Skip to main content

Jessica Alba For America Exploratory Committee

If you're as tired of this Clinton/Obama/McCain mess as I am, let me make the case for Jessica Alba as our next commander in chief.

Jessica Alba

1. She's hot. We've never tried "sexy" in a president. Yes, JFK was dashing, but knowing what an attractive woman usually does to a man's concentration, this would give a President Alba a considerable leg up in negotiations. Imagine what a little black dress could do for mid-east peace negotiations?

2. She has gravitas. Jessica Alba played Susan Storm, one of the Fantastic Four. TWICE. Is there anyone else running for president who has had the cojones to run around in spandex for 3 hours on a giant screeen? The answer is no.

3. She's a mom-to-be. She's smoking (see 1) and yet is with child. She's clearly got family values (though not married to the baby daddy).

4. Tough on terror. Played Max, a super-powered hero on the show Dark Angel. On that show she cracked ribs and beat up baddies, while the writers found one inexplicable reason after another to show her in the skimpiest outfits possible (this is called the Jennifer Garner syndrome). If Jessica can take on late-90s cyber criminals, certainly Hamas or Al Qaeda can be dealt with.

5. See 1.