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Honour thy father and mother ye loyal consumers!

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By Nick Lang

Imagine a world where no matter how neglectful, strict or abusive they may have been, you are pressured by society to not just ‘honour thy father’, but buy him and your mother cards and shitty trinkets just for making you. Have you got the picture in your mind? Scary isn’t it? Welcome to the world of consumerism at its finest. For anyone who has a ‘bad’ parent, one that has passed away, or even one who they never knew, how fun is it that once a year society rubs it in? In every shop, large and small, as well as every TV and radio transmission, a purchase is demanded.

“What kind of a son are you?”
“Imagine how your poor mother must feel?”
“You can’t even spare a card? You ungrateful little…”

“Uh oh. All of these people are judging me! I’d better buy something quick! Erm. Shit, they’re all rubbish! Wait, what’s this? Wow, jackpot! Yes, I’ll get this well-crafted piece of crap with ‘I wuv my mummy’ written on it. Perfect…”

“Here you go mum, to show how much I love and appreciate you for popping me out years ago, I got you this adorable inexpensive piece of commercial shit for you to place with pride onto you mantelpiece.” Son of the year.

And for those with decent and loving parents, yes it’s nice to show your appreciation, but there are better ways than a cheesy mug and a cringe-worthy card. If you want to show that you appreciate them, take them out for a pint and talk to them like human beings, not like fucking Forever Friends.