Mueller's Decision to Eat at Applebee's Calls His Prosecutorial Discretion into Question

And he left a comment card. Shameful on both counts.
By Frederic Poag ,

(WARNING: SATIRE!)

Sources reported to the LA Times that Robert Mueller once left a nasty comment card at an Applebee’s restaurant. The card in question was recreated through a second hand retelling from an anonymous source who reportedly had lunch with Mueller, along with several other colleagues at an Appleby’s that operated in the Chantilly, VA area in late 2001. 

What the comment card might have looked like. Mueller's card would have reportedly been "Better Start from Scratch" in most metrics with a few "Needs some work".

Although the source could not reveal the reason Mueller was at the Applebee’s in question, since the nature of the lunch is still classified, the revelation of the comment card raises new questions concerning the Special Prosecutor which the Trump administration readily jumped on.

“This revelation calls into question the discretion of Special Prosecutor Mueller. First of all who would choose to eat at an Appleby’s to start with?” said Kelly Anne Conway, White House Propaganda Chief.

"It just boggles the mind."

Since the LA Times article was published Special Prosecutor Mueller’s office has been bombarded by calls from various "respectable" media outlets. As of this writing Mueller’s office has not released a statement.

“The Special Prosecutor has a lot to answer for, especially to the American people,” said David Williams, reporter for the LA Times. “For instance what did he order? Is he a salad man, or an appetizer as a main course kind of guy? Would he order ribs for a work lunch or stick with a safer option like without a sauce that might dribble onto one's work clothes? Information like that goes to his decision making abilities.”

Even though Special Prosecutor Mueller has been investigating possible collusion with Russia, these new questions cast serious light on Mueller’s bias.

“Look I’m not an Appleby’s fan. Everyone knows that. I’m a simple guy. Give me a Big Mac, and fries and I’m a happy guy,” said President Trump. “And I think that’s what this is really about. Mueller can’t make smart choices when it comes to where he eats so now it’s ‘Trump is colluding with Russia’. Fake news. Sad. Just sad.”

At least it's a diet coke.

At the behest of the Britsh Ex-pat ‘My Liege, Oh My Liege’ Ben Cohen, The Daily Banter,conducted its own field research in order to get to the bottom of this. Doing my best Thomas Friedman I went out and spoke to the common man to gain the benefit of their wisdom. After interviewing two Uber Eats drivers outside of a “government looking building” in the District I was able to conclude what Mueller most likely had for lunch today with the help of "Just Devon".

“If he’s a Fed it’s probably gonna be a sandwich,” said “Just Devon”, an Uber Eats driver and all around hustler. “I mean they got some mean sandwich places in the District but since they ain’t payin’ me to rep ‘em I ain’t givin’ them shout outs for free.”

“How can you be sure Mueller probably eats a sandwich?” I asked skeptically as a good journalist should.

“Look with a sandwich you can eat it in pieces. And these cats are all kinds of busy. So eat a little here, little there, and wrap up the rest for later. Shit that’s what I do. If he ain’t havin’ a sandwich for lunch then he ain’t busy. And if he ain’t busy then what’s he doing?”

As of this writing Special Prosecutor Mueller’s office has neither confirmed, nor denied The Daily Banter’s confirmation of a sandwich lunch.

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