Every time we travel by airplane, we have to endure a humiliating sequence of security measures. You know the routine. We’ve ostensibly done nothing wrong, and yet we have to take off our shoes, we have to take off our belts,  our personal items have to be X-rayed or searched by hand. If we really look suspicious, we’re patted down and our, you know, bathing suit area is groped for weapons of terrorism. Hell, we can’t even bring a bottle of water purchased on the outside through the security cattle-chutes and into the boarding area of an airport.

For a while there, some of us were subjected to the ultimate in unconstitutional humiliations: we had to enter a futuristic chamber wherein our bodies were scanned and one or more total strangers caught a glimpse of what we look like naked. Your government, in violation of at least one constitutional amendment, mandated that your body be scanned and a naked image generated in order for you to be shoehorned into a flying tube that smells of feet and stress-farts.

And yet it looks like Ted Nugent will be allowed to attend tonight’s State of the Union address.

By now I’m sure you’ve heard the news that Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX) has invited Nugent to be his guest inside the House chamber for the event, no doubt as a means of antagonizing gun control supporters by escorting a walking, talking cartoon who’s threatened to assassinate President Obama and other federal officials while also having recently threatened to fire upon U.S. military and law enforcement personnel if anyone tries to take his guns.

Responding to the invitation, Nugent said, “I will be there with a deep, abiding respect for the office of the presidency. I’m not here to represent any specific cause other than freedom and independence and ‘we the people.’ ”

Here’s a refresher on how much he respects the presidency.

Last year, Nugent was investigated by the Secret Service for remarking, “I’ll tell you this right now: If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year. Why are you laughing? Do you think that’s funny? That’s not funny at all. I’m serious as a heart attack.”

Nugent, along with his hooplehead buddies, threatened to kill government agents when he said, “[I]f you want another Concord Bridge, I got some buddies.” And then he said this about the president, “He is an evil dangerous man who hates America and hates freedom. And we need to fix this as soon as possible.” Interesting.

During the 2008 presidential campaign, Nugent said, “Hey, Obama you might want to suck on one of these you punk,” and continued by saying, “Obama, he’s a piece of shit, and I told him to suck on my machine gun. Let’s hear it for him. And then I was in New York. I said, “Hey, Hillary, you might want to ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch. Since I’m in California, how about Barbara Boxer, she might want to suck on my machine gun. And Dianne Feinstein, ride one of these you worthless whore. Any questions?”

Well, he’s not in jail or dead for trying to ostensibly take out the president or for trying to engage in a would-be act of treason. Instead, he’s actually going to the State of the Union. Again, I can’t bring a tube of toothpaste on an airplane in my carry-on bag and Ted Nugent can sit within spitting distance of the president (and Sens. Feinstein and Boxer) in the House chamber during the biggest annual political address in America.

Here are a few more examples of Nugent’s special brand of self-important, misogynistic, racist gibberish you might’ve forgotten about (via Media Matters).

On states’ rights and the Civil War, 7/6/12: “Because our legislative, judicial and executive branches of government hold the 10th Amendment in contempt, I’m beginning to wonder if it would have been best had the South won the Civil War. Our Founding Fathers’ concept of limited government is dead.” 

On the Confederate flag, 4/23/2000: “Those politically correct (profane name) can take the flag down, but I am going to wear it forever.”

On rappers and MTV, 10/1/12: “Those big uneducated greasy black mongrels on there, they call themselves rap artists.”

On Hillary Clinton, 7/27/94: “You probably can’t use the term `toxic cunt’ in your magazine, but that’s what she is. Her very existence insults the spirit of individualism in this country. This bitch is nothing but a two-bit whore for Fidel Castro.”

On undocumented workers, 10/13/08: “In an unauthorized entry, armed, like they are right now, invading our country, I’d like to shoot them dead.”

Classy. And he’s a guest of a Republican member of Congress. Way to go on the outreach to women and minorities, Rep. Stockman.

I wonder how Nugent will feel about being told to leave his guns at home? After all, he recently praised an effort to shut down a gun show that banned AR-style firearms from being displayed on the convention floor.

Evidently he’s okay with it, “I will go in at least 20 pounds lighter than I normally walk. I will be going in sans the hardware store on my belt. I live a well-armed life, and I’ve got to demilitarize before I go.”

Such a self-satirical chickenhawk. Demilitarize? It’s true that he carries all varieties of firearms and plays dress-’em-up in camoflage fatigues like a real-life Army soldier. Ironic given how he feigned insanity, smearing fecal matter all over his body, in order to avoid the Vietnam draft. Some other unlucky kid had to go in his place because he was too much of a coward — a coward who currently goes around pretending to be in the military and popping off at anyone who he considers to be unpatriotic or unamerican.

And leave it to the Republicans to pull a morning zoo deejay stunt like this just over a month since Sandy Hook. This group of misanthropic, race-baiting, voter disenfranchising, election thieving cranks represent one of the two major political parties in America. They control the House of Representatives and a filibuster-capable fraction of the Senate. They’re passing draconian laws in state legislatures across the nation. Yet, they’re entirely unserious, and ought to be taken as such by anyone with an interested in legitimate governing.

Incidentally, this isn’t about suppressing freedom of speech. Nugent can say whatever he wants, and, likewise, we can hold him accountable for his remarks. The free speech door swings both ways. However, if he threatens violence against the president, it’s within the purview of law enforcement to ask some serious questions.

But, you know what? I hope they let him in. Nothing makes me happier than observing the slow self-immolation of the Republican Party on live television. That said, if they let him in, I hope it’s after some enhanced security measures at the door. And don’t spare the body cavities, fellas.

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Last week, I wrote an article about the SHOT Show in Las Vegas and how NBC Sports was pathetically tone-deaf by sponsoring the event. As I mentioned, the NRA had not one but three different booths, and Bushmaster, the manufacturer of the assault rifle used by the Sandy Hook shooter, had two different booths. So it comes as no surprise that aging rock star, secessionist and draft dodger Ted Nugent was there, too. It was the largest gun show in the world so, naturally, the rogues gallery of gun fetishists were on hand.

And the Secret Service should probably have another chat with Nugent after what he said from the floor of the SHOT Show.

Yes, Nugent not only threatened the president again, but he implied that he and his “buddies” would stage some sort of geriatric armed revolt if the president continues to push for new gun safety laws. I used the phrase “another chat” because this is the second time in less than a year that Nugent has popped off with some sort of not-so-subtle threat against the president. Rewind back to April, 2012 when Nugent said at the annual NRA Convention, “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.” The Secret Service responded to that one by paying a visit to Nugent’s compound. Oh, and you might recall how, at a concert back in 2007, Nugent said that Barack Obama can “suck on my machine gun.”

Yes, one of the gun culture’s A-list spokesmen — and a Republican campaign prop.

So here’s what he said at the SHOT Show last week via a Guns.com video attained by Media Matters yesterday:

I’m part of a very great experiment in self-government where we the people determine our own pursuit of happiness and our own individual freedom and liberty not to be confused with the Barack Obama gang who believes in we the sheeple and actually is attempting to re-implement the tyranny of King George that we escaped from in 1776. And if you want another Concord Bridge, I got some buddies.

Do we have to go over this again? Nugent and his buddies would be utterly wiped out. Full stop. Actually, they might as well be threatening to ride velociraptors into the White House, armed with magic wands and accompanied by Space Monkey Gleek. It’s just that ridiculous. The whole notion of an armed revolt and secession from the United States failed miserably in 1865, and the revolutionaries at that time were headed by skilled West Point commanders like JEB Stuart and Robert E. Lee who directed massive armies. These gun nutjobs today have — who? — octogenarian D-list electric guitar player Ted Nugent and a gaggle of his redneck disciples. Good luck, boys.

In fact, you know what? Bring it on. Seriously. I’d like to see Nugent try his hand at something like this — to actually follow through on one of his kneejerk treasonous threats. But considering how he chickened out of the Vietnam draft, we can safely assume that Nugent prefers to only shoot at things that don’t fire back.

And he didn’t stop there. Here’s his latest threat against the president:

But here is what is wrong with America today. We have a president, and everybody better write this down, and memorize this. The president of the United States goes to the Vietnam Memorial Wall and pretends to honor 58,000 American heroes who died fighting communism and then he hires, appoints and associates with communists. He pretends to pay honor to men who died fighting communism, and then he hangs out with, hires and appoints communists. He is an evil dangerous man who hates America and hates freedom. And we need to fix this as soon as possible.

The election’s over so the only fixing he could expect to achieve would have to come in some other form, and he doesn’t have the power to impeach the president. By the way, you know who else hates freedom? The owners of the venue where Nugent and his fellow over-compensators held their big gun show last week, that’s who. One of the regulations emphasized by the SHOT Show organizers was that attendees couldn’t bring their own firearms into the convention hall. No conceal carry at the world’s largest gun show.

But that’s incidental. Nugent has, for the third time (that I’m aware of), threatened to assassinate the president. Did he mean it?

Chances are he isn’t very serious, and he’s just popping off for attention, but who really knows? He’s a board member for the NRA, and the NRA insists that video games and the media can somehow incite a man to walk into a school and kill 20 children. Well then, by that same logic, influential pop icon Ted Nugent’s constant outbursts about violent insurrections and assassinating the president could just as easily influence a man to take a shot at Obama or drive a car bomb into an army base (another Concord Bridge would ostensibly involve Nugent and his buddies attacking American military forces somewhere).

So perhaps the authorities should take him a little more seriously since he clearly has no self-censor or self-control. And the gun lobby would do well to take Nugent a lot less seriously. But they won’t.

Adding… Looking over some of the words I used in this column, it occurred to me that this URL could easily be red-flagged by the hyper-sensitive national security infrastructure that Nugent supported throughout the Bush years. You know, because he’s all about freedom. Also, yes, I know. Nugent isn’t really an octogenarian.

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I really do try to avoid writing about the far-right wing of the far-right wing of the Republican Party. First, there are simply too many names and too many ignorant maniacs saying way too many ignorantly maniacal things that it’s nearly impossible to keep up. And many of them are just careerist trolls and former morning zoo deejays, jacking up their ratings/sales figures by popping off with anything and everything that will successfully keep their names in the news. Ann Coulter, Mike Savage, Glenn Beck, Laura Ingraham, Dennis Miller and rest of the usual suspects. These are the sorts of people who don’t deserve our attention because they’re not serious players.

That said, it’s not a bad idea to occasionally gut check them anyway, just to let them know that they can’t always get away with their poisonous disinformation and agitprop gibberish.

Ted Nugent is one of the far-right dingdongs who I occasionally revisit for this purpose. Not only is he an extremist conservative thug, but he’s also one of those guys. We’ve all bumped into them in our day-to-day lives. He’s of a familiar male personality type who fancies himself the ultimate badass — a legend in his own mind, a narcissistic stuffed-shirt, a contrarian dickbag. They believe they’re the only guys who have it all figured out. They have an acronym, zinger or a maxim for everything. They always know the best way to do everything, and they’re not ashamed to condescend to anyone within earshot, especially when their company is actually more savvy and accomplished than they are. Yeah, I don’t mind saying I viscerally hate these guys.

Plus, of course, Nugent is a gun fetishist. His deeply psychotic relationship with firearms goes beyond the casual weekend hunter and resides somewhere in the realm of metallic penis-extensions, and the subsequent masturbation of said metallic penis-extensions.

Just over a week ago, Kansas City Chiefs football player Jovan Belcher murdered his pregnant girlfriend then committed suicide. Another horrific event that once again, and rightfully so, circled the American discourse back to the issue of gun control. Last Sunday, Bob Costas weighed in with a decidedly anti-gun commentary — a few tasteful remarks that subsequently and predictably incited far-right conservative histrionics, including from Ted Nugent who tweeted this in response to Bob Costas:

“Blaming guns for crime is like blaming helmuts for headbutts.”

Personally, I always blame “helmuts” for headbutts. Especially former German chancellor Helmut Kohl — always with the goddamned headbutts. Seriously, no one’s blaming the guns alone, but we’re definitely blaming the alarmingly convenient availability of guns, the prevalence of unnecessarily powerful guns and the existence of military-sized clips for the rate of gun casualties. While, yes, guns require an operator to fire them, there’s one purpose for guns, and one purpose alone. On that note, Nugent also tweeted:

“Hey Bob Costas we all kno that obesity is a direct result of the proliferation of spoons & forks Get a clue.”

I’ve heard variations of this fallacy all over the internet, which is one of the reasons why I’ve decided to hit Nugent for it. Of course there’s a massive distinction between forks and helmets and guns! Guns are specifically and solely designed to kill and injure people, not to mention animals. Even when used for self-defense, the gun’s role in the event is to inflict harm upon someone else. All weapons are designed for this purpose. A thermonuclear ICBM all the way down to a crossbow is manufactured for the expressed purpose of wounding and death.

Forks, uh-doy, are designed as a tool for consuming life-preserving food — obesity is incidental and more of a symptom of fatty, unhealthy foods, which, by the way, are also regulated by the government. Likewise, helmets are designed to protect our brains from traumatic injury — and not for inflicting headbutts. Each of these otherwise innocuous items could be used to injure someone but that’s not the intrinsic purpose. Guns are intrinsically deadly, and so in American political spheres we’re heavily engaged in a debate over which guns ought to be legal and which citizens ought to be allowed to buy them. Naturally. Because they’re designed to kill — and to kill with more efficiency, precision and ease-of-use than a knife or a club.

Ultimately, this is beside the point. Nugent and the usual NRA cabal will never lose their right to own firearms. It’ll never happen. But they all behave as if any insult or blame levied against a firearm is a personal attack worthy of a screeching rebuke — as if Bob Costas was aiming to set off a chain reaction that would repeal the Second Amendment and muster an army of Obamabots to seize every device that ejaculates bullets.

Obviously there needs to be tighter regulations to make sure recidivist criminals and mentally ill people can’t attain firearms, and there needs to be ongoing vigilance to make sure increasingly powerful weaponry isn’t easily available. But guns will always be an item for purchase — but with regulations that evolve with the times. Come to think of it, the words “well regulated” happen to be two of the first three words in the Second Amendment (say nothing of the fact that the Second Amendment was written expressly for military purposes). Nugent and the gun movement is just as confused about the Second Amendment as they are about their specious metaphors. But they’re loud and obnoxious enough to successfully shout down anyone who dares to bring up the notion of firearm regulations. And that’s how they stay in the game.

“Helmuts.” Idiot.

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