We come to you today as friends, as family, and as people who love you. We’ve come together to face up to our own fears that we’ve let a situation go on for far too long, a situation that’s hurting you and hurting us. It’s something we can’t allow to go on for one more day because you can’t allow it to go on for one more day. We can’t stand idly by and watch you destroy yourself any longer. So as we finally admit it to ourselves, it’s time for you to admit it, too. You have to, if you’re ever going to go on to live a productive life free from the scourge that’s captured your soul and is eating you alive from the inside out.
You’re an addict, Bob.
There, I said it. I said what needed to be said.
You’re an addict, and your drug of choice, the one that’s taken you down a path that can only lead to ruin, is arguing with Glenn Greenwald and David Sirota.
I thought maybe you were getting better, that maybe you were beginning to understand that trying to reason with two people who are thoroughly unreasonable was the equivalent of hitting yourself repeatedly in the head with a phone book. Or maybe watching the last fifteen minutes of Requiem for a Dream on endless repeat. I figured that what with the newly minted outlook we saw from you last week — with the commendable but incredibly naïve desire to try to speak in sensible, nuanced terms to two men who make a tidy living for themselves being petulant, intransigent ideologues suddenly replaced by the fiery “fuck those guys” that comes with a necessary acquiescence to reality — you were getting better. But alas, I came home from work last night, logged onto my computer, and there you were, launching tweet after tweet in the direction of both of them — taking on Greenwald and Sirota at the same time in a futile suicide run — and I realized that you were completely lost.
It’s okay, Bob. It’s not your fault. It’s your disease. The disease of being a rational human being and expecting that everyone else is as well. Or if not, that the irrational can always be swayed by good arguments and bulletproof facts.
And so, that’s why we’re all here today. Again, because we love you and we want to see you healthy and leading a productive life rather than psychically waterboarding yourself over and over again, thinking that you’re making a difference. You’re never going to convince Greenwald and his submissive bottom to see reason. I know you think you made progress last night because they conceded that stripping Barack Obama of the powers granted to him by the AUMF was a good idea, but trust me — that’s just the disease talking again. They’re never going to give in. The careers they’ve spun out of their own self-righteousness are simply too lucrative, the adulation from their mindless acolytes too intoxicating.
You have to get help. And if you don’t, we can no longer enable your delusion, no matter how good your overall intentions may be. You may not love yourself enough to do what’s best for you, but we do. So, please, make the decision here and now that you’re going to take a stand, confront your demons, and move forward with your life a happier, healthier person. As the Serenity Prayer says, you have to learn to accept the things you cannot change — and there isn’t a chance in hell you’re ever going to change the minds of a couple of assholes like Glenn Greenwald and David Sirota.
Besides, if you at long last make the decision you need to make here for your own sanity, I promise to get help for my need to post silly meta-columns when I’ve temporarily run out of real subjects to write about.
Love and Cookies,