Epic Santa Claus Brawl in NYC

By December 15, 2013
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Tis the season to be Merry, or in NYC, get drunk dressed as Santa and fight with other dudes dressed as Santa.

Here’s what happened during ‘SantaCon’, a holiday bar crawl where guys dress up as Santa and drink themselves into a stupor.

Special K’s Advice to Women: Stop Talking About How Fat You Are and Eat More of Our Cereal

By December 13, 2013
Special K Challenge

Perhaps inspired by the success of Unilever’s nauseating Dove “Real Beauty” campaign, Kellogg’s Special K has joined in the pandering fun of treating women like they’re still 12 years old, will cry at the drop of a hat, and have nothing better to do than worry about their thighs and insecurities all fucking day.

World Not Over Just Yet, Pope Beats Miley Cyrus for TIME ‘Person of the Year’

By December 11, 2013
pope vs miley

Civil society can breathe a sigh of relief: Pope Francis is TIME Magazine’s Person of the year for 2013, beating out the likes of Miley Cyrus to claim the mantle of the world’s most influential person.

Breaking Bad Assists In Obama Assassination Attempt

By December 11, 2013

A Texan woman named Shannon Richardson recently pled guilty to sending ricin-laced letters to President Barack Obama and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Most fans of good television will instantly remember that ricin is one of the more famous murder weapons in AMC’s Breaking Bad…

The Ugly Side of Ugly Christmas Sweaters

By December 10, 2013
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Unfortunately, Ugly Christmas Sweater parties have become such a holiday staple that the demand for sweaters like that has surpassed the supply and AMERICA just can’t stand for that kind of gap in the marketplace.

14 Ways to Diet Without Losing Weight

By December 10, 2013

Below are 5 ways to spin your wheels, waste money on diet food and be starving all of the time without losing so much as an ounce!

THE MORNING BANTER: People of the Year, Hush Money, Soccer Unions, and Feminist Shampoo

By December 10, 2013

Happy Tuesday, you filthy animals. Here’s what’s happening on the interweb:   1. The Top Ten Finalists for TIME’s Person of the Year in 2013 Announced TIME Magazine’s Managing Editor Nancy Gibbs named the full shortlist of contenders for the title with two days to go until the official selection. The list includes Ted Cruz, Miley… Read More

Elle Magazine’s Dating Tips for Deranged Women

By December 09, 2013
Woman Holding Onto Man's Leg

A recent article in Elle magazine, seemingly reprinted from 1973, helps needy women figure out how to deal with the scourge of a busy pseudo-boyfriend who has, like, a job. After a giant splash ad promising “50 Date Night Dresses He’ll Flip For,” Elle presents the story “Meet the Thursday Guy: The New Problem Plaguing… Read More

Face Palm(etto State)

By December 08, 2013
Sheriff Rick Clark: No respect for Mandela

South Carolina embarrassed itself yet again (this year month week), when Pickens County Sheriff Rick Clark decided it was an excellent idea to be publicly and unforgivingly absurd, by stating that he would not be following the President’s order to fly the U.S. flag at half-mast to show respect for the life and loss of Nelson Mandela. Clark’s reasoning, according to his Facebook page is that, “Nelson Mandela did great things for his country and was a brave man but he was not an AMERICAN!!! The flag should be lowered at our Embassy in S. Africa, but not here.”

Congressional ‘Alpha House’ Emails Hacked

By December 06, 2013

In collaboration with the NSA, The Daily Banter managed to hack Dick Durbin’s email account to reveal the inner secrets of the real life ‘Alpha House’.

Michigan Bill Would Ban Insurance Policies from Covering Abortions

By December 04, 2013

In Michigan, Republican lawmakers have devised a particularly insidious piece of legislation that would ban primary insurance policies from covering abortions — even abortions as the result of rape or incest. That’s right, in addition to being raped, a woman could potentially have to pay thousands of dollars out of pocket to terminate.

A Train Derailed in the Bronx, Killing and Maiming Passengers, Paul Walker Died in a Fiery Crash, but Look! A Baby Panda!

By December 02, 2013
baby panda dc

If you opened your eyes today, you know about the hideous train derailment in the Bronx that killed four people and injured 63. So let’s focus on the baby panda.

Dream of the Blue Turkey

By November 28, 2013

This little clip has become something of a yearly tradition around these parts and it will remain one even in my sort-of absence.

On this, the day that we celebrate the beginning of the first — but certainly not last — great American land swindle, I ask you to remember the plight of flightless birds everywhere. Sure, that farm-raised turkey is now on your plate, but at one time it had dreams of majestically taking to the skies, just like so many of its feathered brethren.

Just like the poor Kiwi.

Thanks For Nothing

By November 28, 2013
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Back in the day, Liberals used to protest Thanksgiving and call it “Indigenous People’s Day”. Now that everyone embraces wholeheartedly the turkey slaughter, gluttony, consumerism and shared glee in the mockery of vegans and vegetarians that we’ve come to associate with this holiday, here are some Thanksgiving videos you might enjoy.

Kanye West Is Both Insane and a Genius. And We Have the Chart to Prove It

By November 27, 2013

In just a half hour, Mr. West managed to fluctuate so erratically between intellectual and insane that we decided to make a graph charting the genius and insanity of his comments throughout the interview.

THE MORNING BANTER: Obama Confronts Hecklers, Negative Emotions Save Us, Animals Were Harmed, and Katie Couric Joins Yahoo

By November 26, 2013

It’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving (aka the day you go to the gym for 15 minutes longer than normal to justify eating 8,000 calories a day this weekend). Here’s what’s happening on the interweb.

10 Quotes That Prove That Joe Rogan Is WAY Smarter Than You Think

By November 25, 2013

Joe Rogan is known mostly as the guy who made people eat bugs for money. But Joe Rogan is also a Jiu Jitsu black belt and WAY smarter than you think. Here are 10 quotes that prove the ‘Fear Factor’ presenter is a modern day philosopher and a Goddam genius.

Science Officially Proves That If You Don’t Use It, You Lose It

By November 22, 2013

Commissioned by an interdisciplinary team of scientists and academics from the research centers at UC – Berkley and Stanford, a joint study released today has proven definitively that if one does not use it, he or she will ultimately lose it. Taking on what is still an extremely divisive issue in the scientific community, the… Read More