Make America Ache Again

The replacement plan that wound up on Trump’s cutting room floor.
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The replacement plan that wound up on Trump’s cutting room floor.
fake doctor

Whether you call it AHCA, Trumpcare, Ryancare, Whocares, or Obamacare-lite, one thing is certain about the new Republican sponsored healthcare bill—it’s not as draconian as most of these heartless, self-righteous geezers wanted it to be. Because when you get a bunch of hypocrite sellout loser whores together—none of whom ever has to worry about paying a medical bill for the remainder of their cushy overfed existences—the one thing they can all agree on, their single unspoken guiding principle, is the expendability of lower income lives.

That is the elephant in the room. To Republicans in the House and Senate, the healthcare crisis is a macrocosm of Hurricane Katrina, and the most agreeable solution is to let the poor neighborhoods flood. The new death panel is spelled G.O.P.

Unfortunately, the onslaught of protest marches, petitions, outraged town halls, public opinion polls, liberal media, and the simple fear of insurrection have forced the Grim Reaper’s foot soldiers to water down their original pristine vision of a destitute America that pulls itself up by its tourniquet. Here then, as a public service and essential rite of humiliation, are some of the original key provisions of Make America Ache Again (MA3) that wound up on the cutting room floor.

Self-Surgery

Self-surgery would maximize consumer choices while cutting costs and cutting out the middleman. Our Constitution guarantees the right to self-surgery even in cases where general anesthesia is required. Self-surgery is an important part of our American legacy, whether it's a Confederate soldier taking a swig of whiskey and using a pair of pliers to extract a bullet from a buttock or a Depression-era dental patient tying a molar to a doorknob and slamming the door shut.

Xtreme Health Savings Plan, Part A 

A million dollars of coverage is not overkill in an era of $250 ibuprofen tablets and $10,000 MRIs. But who has a million dollars these days after the country club dues have been paid and Porsches have been tuned up? Under MA3, individuals are eligible for up to $100,000 worth of tax credits per year, and families up to $250,000. Think of this as a Christmas club for organ transplant surgery.

Xtreme Health Savings Plan, Part B 

To close possible gaps in Part A, MA3 will credit trade-ins on furs, classic cars, diamond jewelry, rare paintings, and iPhones at 70 percent of market value. Most 401K plans can be traded in at 60 percent of face value plus a tax penalty. Fannie Mae and Blue Cross will co-sponsor a reverse mortgage payable directly to health insurers.

Hire the Vet 

This does not refer to veterans of the armed forces, Walter Reed Hospital, or anything relating to the military. It refers to veterinarians. Under MA3, human beings earning less than $75,000 per annum will be eligible to receive treatment from a wide variety of off-duty, unemployed, and not-quite-licensed animal physicians. Spaying will be provided free.

Health Lotteries

The federal government will sponsor a series of lotteries whereby the potentially insured may purchase an unlimited number of tickets possibly leading to full coverage plus door prizes. Drawings will be held weekly and televised on C-SPAN. Partial winners will receive partial coverage. A special Pick 6 will be available to the mentally ill. Winners are eligible for a half dozen types of experimental treatments for neurological disorders and will be issued a loaded weapon. Powerball winners will receive holistic treatment for sexual dysfunction.

Early Hospice Care

To lower the high cost of dying, insurers will offer affordable hospice care for common ailments such as colds, flus, and hangnails. By foregoing conventional treatment, patients will be eligible for up to a year’s stay in a lean-to in Yosemite National Park. A $10/month rider provides an optional lethal injection when cost of inpatient treatment exceeds credit card limits.

Leper Colonies

These time-tested biblical treatment centers have long been overlooked by liberals and atheists. Quarantining is efficient and good for morale. We will build a series of walls and make the lepers pay for it.

Faith Healing

This plan will reduce hospital stays, pharmaceutical costs, and longevity. Discounts available for patients who don’t have a prayer. Female insured under the age of 29 and the size of 6 will be treated personally by Donald Trump, who will perform a laying on of hands.

Bloodletting

Steve Bannon wants to go medieval on you. Like alchemy, sorcery, and stretching racks, having your local barber run the hemoglobin faucet to allow out the bad spirits is a 13th century idea whose time has come again. Type O negatives can earn transfusion vouchers.

Odd Lot Treatment

Low-income insured will be eligible for treatment at teaching hospitals by interns and residents coming off of 24-hour shifts who are amenable to cash transactions in the parking deck. Please bring small unmarked bills and your own anesthesia.

Experimental Treatment

The uninsured of yesterday are the medical miracle guinea pigs of tomorrow. Once you sign the MA3 all-purpose waiver, you’ll be eligible for a smorgasbord of one-off improvised whimsical surgical procedures and a cornucopia of leftover, expired drug samples handed out at Las Vegas pharmaceutical conventions between pole dances.

Million Dollar Deductibles

MA3 provides the option of a $50/month full coverage health plan. There is, however, one catch.

Cryogenics

Freezing corns and bunions was just the tip of the iceberg. Low-income sufferers of anything from migraines to skin tags are likely to wake up fully cured in a vat of liquid nitrogen in the year 2055—the same year Donald Trump’s tax returns are released.

Death

Donald Trump has stated that he won’t let Americans die in the streets. That is, not unless they opt to. Under MA3, patients in a South Side, Chicago ER may transfer to a sidewalk in Beverly Hills. A limited number of patients are eligible to be shot in the middle of New York’s Fifth Avenue by the POTUS himself.