Your Petition for Vegetarian and Vegan Menu Choices at In-N-Out Is Stupid

If you don't like the perfect, animal-style goodness In-N-Out already serves, go somewhere else.
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Chez Pazienza
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If you don't like the perfect, animal-style goodness In-N-Out already serves, go somewhere else.

When I left California to return to the East Coast years and years ago, I knew there were things I was going to miss. The weather, the scenery, the people, the attitude -- those were obvious. But somewhere near the very top of the list of qualities I was sure to be lamenting the lack of in short order, there was one that stood out: In-N-Out. For the uninitiated, In-N-Out is quite simply the best damn fast food burger in America. Maybe the best burger in America, period. The burgers at In-N-Out are so lovingly realized, so flawlessly constructed, such a symphony of tastes, textures and temperatures as to be some kind of wonderful alchemy. There are some good burger places out there, but there's nothing like In-N-Out.  

But, since In-N-Out doesn't appeal to literally every single person on the planet, this means there's something inherently wrong with it. Since even a handful of people aren't getting what they want out of it and feel excluded, it's up to In-N-Out to adjust what it's done for decades on its notoriously change-resistant menu so that every part of their environments can be curated to their absolute satisfaction. 

Enter, Change.org -- every pissy far-left busybody's favorite tool for correcting alleged injustices of all kinds and attempting to socially engineer the world. Something calling itself the Good Food Institute, whose motto is "Creating a Healthy, Humane, and Sustainable Food Supply," has started a Change.org petition asking people to "use your voice to tell the execs at In-N-Out that a veggie burger deserves a place on the menu!” 

According to the petition, "In-N-Out has been letting its fans down by failing to serve anything that would satisfy a burger-loving customer who wants a healthy, humane, and sustainable option." (They got that slogan in, of course.) "Burger chains nationwide have been getting huge returns from meat alternatives, and In-N-Out could do the same," the posting continues. "And by making this single addition, In-N-Out would be making a huge statement that it truly cares about its customers health and the health of the planet."

Oh, and it tries to leverage a need to appeal to millennials by In-N-Out, citing how they're "leading the charge" for "plant-based meats" -- whatever the fuck that is -- with the awesome might of their disposable income. 

So far there are upwards of 20-thousand signatures on this thing. 

Now, look -- technically there's nothing wrong with asking In-N-Out for a vegetarian option. But on the other hand there kind of is. If you don't eat the food In-N-Out serves because you've decided it's unethical or just not your thing, well, tough luck. The place doesn't owe you shit. And millennial money or no millennial money, In-N-Out is not hurting for revenue. Jesus, go to literally any In-N-Out at any time of the day or night and you'll find a line of cars around the block. What In-N-Out is doing has worked for it for a hell of a long time; it definitely appeals to enough of the public to continue doing a bang-up business. 

Don't like what's on the menu? Go somewhere else. In-N-Out will be fine. Or just try one of their heavenly burgers -- animal-style, of course. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to grab a Double-Double then start a Change.org petition demanding that Del Taco start serving Italian food, because millennials like Italian food, right?