The Countdown To Trump Blabbing U.S. Intelligence Secrets All Over the Place Has Begun

Donald Trump begins getting classified intelligence briefings tomorrow. God help us.
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Donald Trump begins getting classified intelligence briefings tomorrow. God help us.

Donald Trump's entire persona is about dominance. He's a bully for whom everything amounts to a zero-sum game of one-upmanship, a swinging dick who has to at all times and in any situation be the alpha. Most of the time, Trump's swagger manifests in boasts of his wealth, his success, and his prowess at fucking various Eastern European mail order brides. But throughout this surreal, relentlessly torturous presidential campaign, we've seen more creative examples of Trump's obsessive need to be better than you. He's comically touted, for example, his "very good brain," his "best words," his "astonishingly excellent" health, and of course the fact that he supposedly has "one of the great temperaments." In keeping with tradition, everything with Trump throughout his run for the White House has boiled down to an overzealous sales pitch for an obviously inferior product. 

Knowing this about him, knowing that he's pathological in his inability to control himself whenever the opportunity arises to show off -- which is, in Trump's syphilitic brain, every few minutes because there are always perceived threats to his ego -- granting him access to classified intelligence is a recipe for utter catastrophe. Put simply, there's no way Trump will keep the information he's being given secret. He can't, precisely because it's secret, it's something he knows that most people don't, which makes that information invaluable in asserting his dominance. It's impossible to imagine Trump not, at best, implying to his audience of rage-infected zombie yokels that we're in even worse trouble than they think because, well, "There are things I know, believe me!" or, at worst, blurting out classified information in an effort to either be a bad-ass or because Vladimir Putin stroked him under the chin just right.

Trump's going to talk. And the countdown is on to when it happens because federal officials are now confirming that Donald Trump will begin receiving classified intelligence briefings tomorrow. This comes just two weeks after the Washington Post reported that a whole slew of senior intelligence officials are shitting their pants at the thought of a loudmouthed buffoon like Trump gaining access to sensitive material, the divulging of which could potentially put the United States at risk. Even the President of the United States expressed concern, reminding a surely distracted-by-the-TV Trump that since he was about to begin getting security briefings he needed to "start acting like a president." 

Now is that going to happen? What do you think? Trump has already proven a hundred times over that he's incapable of being anything but what he is: a malignant narcissist and unhinged reality show clown with self-control issues. In other words, sincerely the last person who can be trusted with sensitive national security secrets. The best we can hope for is that maybe, realizing the danger, the feds will purposely feed Trump bullshit disguised as classified information and just wait for him to say to Putin and the world, "You know, folks, we're about to pay ten million quatloos to these guys called the Providers of Triskelion. Don't know who they are, but Obama founded them -- believe me!"