A 15 Step Guide to Becoming Roseanne Barr (UPDATED)

What happened to the working class Jewish girl from Salt Lake City who so perfectly captured America's blue collar culture and elevated working class feminism for a generation of women? Sadly, it's a pretty familiar tale. Here are the 15 steps every wide eyed wannabe actor/actress must take to transform themselves into a fire breathing mad person like Roseanne Barr.
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Ben Cohen
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What happened to the working class Jewish girl from Salt Lake City who so perfectly captured America's blue collar culture and elevated working class feminism for a generation of women? Sadly, it's a pretty familiar tale. Here are the 15 steps every wide eyed wannabe actor/actress must take to transform themselves into a fire breathing mad person like Roseanne Barr.
rosanne-barr

UPDATE: This article was published in 2013 in response to Roseanne Barr accusing President Obama of being a dictator, orchestrating the Boston Marathon bombing and implementing 'Nazi' like health care in America. The article generated considerable attention and even prompted Barr herself to hilariously go after us in the comments section (see below) -- likely because it hit a little too close to home for her liking. 

In what appears to be another sad attempt to drum up some attention for herself, Barr has now publicly endorsed Donald Trump on the basis that Hillary Clinton is a paid corporate shill/ immigrants should go home/the election system is corrupt etc etc etc. It's a free country and she is entitled to say and endorse whatever and whoever she wants. But Barr is also public figure with a very public record, so continuing to spread her toxic garbage invites considerable blowback from anyone attached to actual reality. So what better a time to re-publish this piece?

The life of a wealthy celebrity is hard. One minute you are rich and famous, the next, you're just rich. And what is wealth without adoration? Roseanne Barr, the star of the long running "Roseanne" show in the late 80's and 90's is one of the most successful comedians in history. Her flagship show ended in '97 leaving her on the fringes of  A-list celebritydom. Barr had the occasional success, but nothing like the adulation she received in her heyday when she was the second highest paid woman in TV behind Oprah.

Her fall, in recent times has been spectacular. Having moved to a macadamia farm in Hawaii after divorcing her 3rd husband, Barr has been getting increasingly radical, running for President in the Green Party (then with the Peace and Freedom Party when she didn't get the ) in 2012, and most recently calling for an end to the Obama "dictatorship" due to his "false flag terror attacks" .

What happened to the working class Jewish girl from Salt Lake City who so perfectly captured America's blue collar culture and elevated working class feminism for a generation of women? Sadly, it's a pretty familiar tale.

Here are the 15 steps every wide eyed wannabe actor/actress must take to transform themselves into a fire breathing mad person:

1. Come from a relatively obscure background in a small town somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

2. Develop an attitude in said small town that you are "different" (dye your hair pink/ listen to punk rock/sulk a lot etc etc)

3. When of age, pack up belongings, leave unsuccessful parents and annoying people, and move to much bigger city to make a name for yourself as an actor.

4. Struggle in said bigger city for several years trying to get gigs. Date other struggling actors, get married to someone unsuccessful and wait tables to pay rent.

5. Get a break.

6. Drop everything and everyone, including unsuccessful partner, children, etc etc to fulfill dream of getting on television.

7. Enjoy fruits of labor - buy nice house, expensive car, go to celebrity parties, do interviews with national magazines/newspapers/tv channels, marry other famous person.

8. Demand more money from contract. Become A-lister.

9. Earn shit ton of money, have excessive plastic surgery, get into new age religion, sever all ties with former self. 

10. As show/career begins to flag due to lack of authenticity, get disillusioned with 'the industry'. Try to do spin off of original show/lower budget movies etc, then settle for talk show/small tour etc.

11. A-list career officially done, resign self to 3rd rate television/movies, but continue making good money.

12. Reconnect with forgotten family members/children/everyone you left behind, realize fame isn't everything.

13. Realize fame is everything and try to come up with new angle to get attention.

14. Do reality television and get political.

15. Post “Open Letter To Congress” on personal website accusing President of being a dictator and attacking 1st, 2nd, 4th, and 5th amendments citing a special report on a "Turkish Lobby sexual blackmail ring."

Bonus step (updated in 2016):

16. Endorse Donald Trump for president in the hopes you might get more twitter followers and a cabinet position next to Sarah Palin as Secretary of Revealing Obama's Real Birth Certificate.  

You are now a bonafide, has-been celebrity lurching from one humiliating debacle to another. Congratulations!