This Could be the Funniest Gwyneth Paltrow Takedown Ever

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Ben Cohen
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It's hard being a celebrity these days -- the constant conscious uncoupling, the complicated vegan recipes and the army of psychotic personal trainers who keep you looking youthful would be too much for most of us mere mortals. Luckily though, we have trailblazers like Gwyneth Paltrow, who reveal the secrets of living a gluten-free, vagina steamed life for the common folk, and all for free on her website Goop

Paltrow apparently personally oversaw the latest 'Sex' issue, making it an absolute must read for the aspiring socialite who want to know how the elite fornicate without all the yucky stuff the rest of us have to deal with. 

Except that for those with their heads outside of their backsides, the issue makes sex seem about as appealing as disinfecting one's refrigerator. Here was Guardian columnist Flic Everett's review of the Paltrow endorsed issue

As you’d expect, it reads less erotically than the back of a chia seed packet, and its advice seems largely concerned with avoiding unlikely allergies during the act. Niche troubles to avoid include “super-toxic” vaginal lube, which might contain parabens, glycerin (“which can contribute to yeast infections”) and chlorhexidine gluconate, which could kill healthy vaginal bacteria. It conjures an image of rows of women, tending obsessively to their “healthy vaginas”, while potential sexual partners grow old and withered waiting for them to look up from the fascination with their own glowing labia. That area, according to Goop’s advice, will specifically benefit from Vitamin E oil or olive oil, to “strengthen the tissue”. God knows, we all suffer from weak labial tissue....

The Goop sex woman is, it appears, a rich, humourless, vegan neurotic, for whom successful consensual sex is just another hoop to jump through on the road to “total wellbeing”. There is no fun without a warning attached, no orgasm without an essay, and no intimacy without a shopping opportunity. Goop sex is, in short, joyless, box-ticking and anxious.

You really do have to give credit to Paltrow though. While she might be unfathomably irritating and an ever present reminder of why most celebrities should be shipped off to Siberia, she does inspire some of the funniest writing on the web.