Donald Trump Is Threatening Ted Cruz's Wife, Because The GOP Race Just Isn't Offensive Enough Yet

Trump warns Cruz that he'll "spill the beans" on his wife, Heidi.
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Trump warns Cruz that he'll "spill the beans" on his wife, Heidi.

It's really tough to wrap your head around the fact that at one point the Republican party was something to be taken seriously. We're so far removed from those days that they feel like a dream -- or maybe something that happened while the nation was collectively drunk off its ass to the point where it couldn't be sure what actually happened and what didn't. Case in point: tonight the frontrunner for the Republican nomination for President of the United States made a veiled threat involving the wife of his closest competitor. 

Needless to say, the person making the threat is Donald Trump, the giant turd in America's toilet bowl that arrived after a night spent eating an entire bushel of oranges, a bag of piss-colored cotton candy, and a brain tumor. On Monday a Facebook ad, made to look like a meme, appeared that featured a semi-nude photo of Trump's wife Melania and was targeted at Utah's Mormon voters, the implication being that Melania Trump was a godless harlot or some such crap and that she wasn't first lady material -- therefore, vote for Ted Cruz. The ad was paid for by an anti-Trump super-PAC called, amusingly, Make America Awesome. 

While the group doesn't appear to be associated with Cruz, Trump believes otherwise and is using the ad as another opportunity to slam his challenger. So, he took to Twitter late Tuesday to imply, well, something about Cruz's wife, Heidi. "Lyin' Ted Cruz just used a picture of Melania from a G.Q. shoot in his ad. Be careful, Lyin' Ted, or I will spill the beans on your wife!" he fired off on the inextinguishable dumpster fire that is his Twitter feed. Cruz returned fire not long after, writing, "Pic of your wife not from us. Donald, if you try to attack Heidi, you're more of a coward than I thought. #classless." Because this is where we are now: the GOP's presidential candidates are basically Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa. 

God only knows what Trump is getting at here. Probably nothing, but one can only hope hostile aliens arrive and obliterate this planet before he figures out a way to connect to the size of his hands and therefore the size of his dick to Heidi Cruz.