Donald Trump Can't Understand the Big Deal Over His Totally Normal-Sized Hands That He Can't Shut Up About

A sit-down interview with The Washington Post proves yet again that more than 30 years after the fact, Graydon Carter's insult still gets under Trump's thin skin.
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A sit-down interview with The Washington Post proves yet again that more than 30 years after the fact, Graydon Carter's insult still gets under Trump's thin skin.

On Monday afternoon, Republican presidential frontrunner and human skin suit Donald Trump sat down for a meeting with the editorial board of The Washington Post. The goal was to allow Trump to outline in detail his various policy proposals, which had heretofore been little more than vague applause lines, and to force him to face up to some very tough questions about his campaign. What the editors of the Post got, however, was pure Trump: a lot of talking in circles, bizarre tangents and flights of fancy, and of course depthless self-absorption. 

You can read about the whole thing in a series of pieces now published online -- one of which, by the way, is from Post opinion editor Karen Attiah, whom Trump apparently called "beautiful" during the interview -- but since Trump's policy ideas are mostly comprised of the pocket lint and stuff he pulled out of his ass, let's just concentrate on the very best part of this thing. The moment that highlights so wonderfully and clearly the pathology of Donald Trump and reveals him to be the petty, thin-skinned narcissist most intelligent people know he is. 

At some point, the subject of Trump's hands came up, which is to say that editorial page editor Fred Hiatt pointed out that Trump is a smart guy who went to a good school, and yet on the campaign trail he's talking about his hands and the size of his dick. Trump took that tiny cue and, predictably, ran with it. Because he remains thoroughly obsessed with a joke Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter made about the size of his hands in Spy magazine more than 30 years ago. 

Hiatt mentioned Trump's hands -- and this was Trump's rambling, batshit response.

Look at my hands. They’re fine. Nobody other than Graydon Carter years ago used to use that. My hands are normal hands. During a debate, he was losing, and he said, “Oh, he has small hands and therefore, you know what that means.” This was not me. This was Rubio that said, “He has small hands and you know what that means.” Okay? So, he started it. So, what I said a couple of days later … and what happened is I was on line shaking hands with supporters, and one of supporters got up and he said, “Mr. Trump, you have strong hands. You have good-sized hands.” And then another one would say, “You have great hands, Mr. Trump, I had no idea.” I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “I thought you were like deformed, and I thought you had small hands.” I had fifty people … Is that a correct statement? I mean people were writing, “How are Mr. Trump’s hands?” My hands are fine. You know, my hands are normal. Slightly large, actually. In fact, I buy a slightly smaller than large glove, okay? No, but I did this because everybody was saying to me, “Oh, your hands are very nice. They are normal.” So Rubio, in a debate, said, because he had nothing else to say … now I was hitting him pretty hard. He wanted to do his Don Rickles stuff and it didn’t work out. Obviously, it didn’t work too well. But one of the things he said was “He has small hands and therefore, you know what that means, he has small something else.” You can look it up. I didn’t say it.

For those who don't know what the hell he's talking about at the beginning there, Graydon Carter labeled Trump a "short-fingered vulgarian" in Spy back in the 80s, and since then, Carter claims Trump has every so often -- out of the blue -- sent him an envelope with a picture of him where his hands are prominently featured. Carter says in these pictures, Trump always circles his hands in gold Sharpie and writes a message like, "See, not so small!" He's been doing this for more than 30 years. That's how fucking insane Trump is. That's how much criticism eats away at him because, unsurprisingly, that's what an insecure child he is.   

But pay attention to the way he talks. It's one thing to hear it live, with all the stops, starts and verbal gymnastics as his mind jumps from one unnecessary tangent, afterthought or interjection to the next, but to actually see it written out -- that's when it truly hits home. Can you imagine this human id as President of the United States? Think about the kind of eloquence we've seen from some of our best leaders, the words they've spoken that have transcended eras, the inspirational quotes we still read to our children today. Now think of Donald Trump, blithering on about his fucking hands for five minutes. Or touting his poll numbers. Or rattling off a series of superlative adjectives in place of making actual arguments. Or belittling those on his ever-growing enemies list. Or encouraging violence. 

It goes without saying that Trump doesn't deserve to be president. But Jesus, if we're honest with ourselves, this clown doesn't even deserve to be a shitty reality TV star. He's not even that clever.