An Open Letter to Any Alien Species Watching The US Presidential Election

If you have, you may have noticed a considerable increase in the frequency of the codes being sent to other humans via their social networks, and the repetition of certain words like "Trump", "fucked", and "Canada". If so, please help.
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Ben Cohen
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If you have, you may have noticed a considerable increase in the frequency of the codes being sent to other humans via their social networks, and the repetition of certain words like "Trump", "fucked", and "Canada". If so, please help.

Dear Greys/Ythrians/Blagulon Kappans/Reptoids etc, etc,

I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing in the anticipation that at least one of you is monitoring the online activities of moderately influential political blogs in the United States (or at least their facebook feeds).

If you have, you may have noticed a considerable increase in the frequency of the codes being sent to other humans via their social networks, and the repetition of certain words like "Trump", "fucked", and "Canada". While I am sure your priorities revolve around gathering samples of our DNA, mining for precious metals and abducting Sci Fi fans in the midwest to experiment on, I have a small request. 

We are in serious, serious trouble. Through our obsession with driving, eating cows and buying lots of plastic shiny things, our species has managed to heat planet earth to the point of almost no return. We are killing species off at a rate not seen since the dinosaurs got wiped out by an asteroid 65 million years ago, and in the process, destroying the very eco systems that support us. We have also armed ourselves to the teeth with nuclear weapons that could blow the planet off its axis and destroy all organic life. 

Of course you know all of this, and likely find the spectacle incredibly perplexing -- and perhaps even amusing given our belief that we are an intelligent life form. But while you have the luxury of advanced sentience and the technological domination of time and space, please bear in mind the fact that we are stuck in monkey bodies and spend much of the time following our hormonal whims. In any other era in human history, this would be perfectly OK, but given we have made (at least for us) some fairly significant technological advances, the potent combination of animal aggression and destructive mechanical power could be fatal. 

This delicate predicament we find ourselves in has been contained by our more reasonable leaders in recent times, averting catastrophe through more mature inter-human relations. However, our most powerful human tribe with the biggest weapons and the most shiny objects (known as "The United States") may soon be electing an orange haired megalomaniac to lead it over the next few years -- a historic event that could well speed up the end of humanity and the destruction of our biosphere significantly. 

Our orange haired warlord 

Our orange haired warlord 

This orange haired warlord is obsessed with all the things we know are bad for Mother Earth: collecting shiny things, blowing up other humans, and growing our destructive trading system (known as "capitalism") as fast as possible. He is supported by other humans who share his values (see below for a specimen example), and there are many of them. 

Jack-Byrd-Jimmy-Kimmel-1280x814.jpg

Preventing him from getting into power is of the utmost importance if we want to survive as a species, and if there is anything you could do to help we would be very appreciative.  I'm not sure exactly how this intervention would happen, but I think there could be some interesting data you could extract from this orange haired homosapien. For starters, he has unusually small hands, and a highly dysfunctional relationship with the opposite sex (possibly related). Perhaps you could run some probes on him to see what is going on? We can certainly do without him for a few centuries, so please feel free to do your thing. In the mean time, we can try and sort ourselves out and return our planet to some semblance of normality. 

There are also more extreme methods I'm sure you are capable of, but again, I would urge you to use a minimally invasive procedure to pull us back from the brink. Despite our war like tendencies, we humans are also quite sensitive and a big shock could well send us completely over the edge (like these poor souls). Of course you don't have to do anything at all and you could just sit back and watch the fireworks. But this way you at least extend the show a little, and I'm sure this little earth drama is highly entertaining!

Anyway, here's to a more peaceful universe with hopefully us in it. Do let us know if you decide to do anything. 

Yours sincerely, 

Ben Cohen 

P.S If you do decide to go the abduction route, please consider this specimen too