It is really hard to keep up with all the crazy, weird shit that Ben Carson says, but I'm doing my best. You can check out my epic video slideshow of Carson insanity at Mediaite, but here are the new ones I dug up while researching it.
We get it, Ben Carson. You stabbed a guy
In the interest of completeness, I'm including this 2010 clip of Carson telling the stab story yet again, because he also describes the hammer attack on his mother, the rock he threw at a guy, and the Master Lock that he hit another guy in the head with:
Ben Carson says God saved him from car accident
Carson tells this story a lot, too. While on a road trip with his future wife, Carson falls asleep at the wheel and almost kills both of them. In perhaps the strongest example of game I've ever seen, Carson parlays almost killing a girl into love and marriage, because God:
Ben Carson Really Wants You To Know Treating Old People Is a Waste of Time
Ben Carson's contempt for his pain patients and assessment of "old geezers" is not something he grew out of. Like his Auschwitz jokes, they just became part of his rotation. Here he is reprising the bit in 2007 and 2013:
Ben Carson Got Jokes About Back Before Cops Would Shoot You
At a 2013 speech, Ben Carson told of his affinity for throwing rocks at cars, which he apparently believes everyone does when they're kids. Unfortunately, Detroit apparently had a plainclothes rock-throwing task force, whom Carson says he led on a thrilling foot chase:
"Now, that was back in the days before they would shoot you."
Ben Carson pretty much calls Obama Satan
Carson follows up his "People will vote for Satan" line by observing that "this is how we end up with what we have now."
Most people that walk into the booth, they're looking for a D, an R, or a name that looks familiar. The name could be Satan, 'Oh, yeah, I know that name!' And in many cases it is, and this is the problem, and this is how we end up with what we have now."
Ben Carson will secede from United Nations
Not two weeks ago, Carson told Glenn Beck, among other things, that English should be the official language, that he would intensify the War on Drugs, and that unless they changed some stuff, he would withdraw the U.S. from the United Nations:
"I don't like the United Nations, and unless they change, I would not participate, I would de-fund them."
Ben Carson- I'm not a highly religious person
Did Ben Carson mention that he stabbed someone? Yes, but in this 2013 he workd in the odd statement that "I'm not a highly religious person," by which I can only assume he means because he's not the actual Pope.
Ben Carson - All my classmates are dead, HAH-ha!
During a 2003 commencement speech, Carson notes with bitter satisfaction that many of the kids who made fun of him in school wound up dead. As gross as this is, get a load of the white dude behind him, whose shoulders literally convulse with laughter over those dead Detroit schoolmates:
"I got back on the right track and I was an A student again, and the guys were calling me names, but I didn't care, because I would always say to them 'Let's see where I am in 20 years, and let's see where you are in 20 years, and we'll see who's right.' And you know, when I went back for my 25th year class reunion, most of the guys who were really cool, they were dead. So they were very cool."
Ben Carson- I was offered a full scholarship to West Point
This is the claim that led to Carson's epic press conference. Her he is in 2013 telling an interviewer that he was offered a full scholarship to West Point, which is not a thing that exists:
Ben Carson rescued white people from marauding blacks
In yet another example of a Carson tale that's now being called into question, Carson describes, in a 2013 interview, how he hid white people from marauding black students when MLK was assassinated:
Ben Carson - Texas is for bigamists
At his 2010 commencement address to Oral Roberts University, Carson joked that people in Utah didn't bat an eye about the tale of his bigamist father, then did a nifty turn to slam Texas:
"Everybody knows they don't do that in Utah anymore. Now it's Texas."
Ben Carson on bigamy in 2013 - "So what"
By 2013, Carson was still telling the bigamy joke, but may have figured out that he might one day want to win Texas, so the new punchline to the gag?
"Everybody knows they don't do that in Utah anymore, right? But even if they did, so what?"
Ben Carson Thinks His Patients Are Criminals and Treating 'Old Geezers' is a Waste of Time
While stumping for unsuccessful senate candidate Monica Wehby in January, Carson told a very revealing "joke," given his affinity for dismantling Medicare. First, he joked that all of his adult patients were criminal frauds (whom he operated on anyway), and then he explained why treating "old geezers" is a waste of time:
"You can operate for 10, 15, 18 hours on a kid, and if you're successful, the reward my be 50, 60, 70 years of life. Whereas with an old geezer, you spend all that time, and they die in five years of something else! So, you see, Monica and I, we like to get a good return on investment."
Ben Carson says 'The Problem With Old Geezers" is they waste all your hard work by dying.
Lest you think the "old geezers" line is new to the stump, here's Carson riffing on it in 2003, a full decade before his retirement:
"I'm a person who likes to get a big return on their investment. You know, you can operate for forty hours on an old person, and do a wonderful operation, quite successful, and five years later they die of something else. You know, that's the problem with old geezers."
Ben Carson Got Auschwitz Jokes
At a 2003 graduation speech, Carson explained his aversion to political correctness by telling an Auschwitz joke, and then responding to anyone who's offended by saying "Too bad!" As Ben Carson might say, "He's like the Hebrew School at Dachau: no class!"
“I do not believe in political correctness, by the way, OK? There’s almost never a time when I give a speech where somebody isn’t offended. I remember one time I was talking about human brains versus dog brains, and a guy came up and said, ‘You can’t talk about dogs like that,’ you know, ‘It’s very offensive.’ And then, you know, I said something about how the fashion industry makes young women think they’re supposed to be so skinny it looks like they escaped from Auschwitz, and a young Jewish woman came up to me and said, ‘You can’t talk about Auschwitz.’”
“...The fact of the matter is, I don’t mean to offend anybody. And if anybody’s offended... too bad.”
Ben Carson in Auschwitz 2 - Electric Boogaloo
For most people, telling an Auschitz joke is a misstep, but for Carson, it's part of his stump. What's interesting is that when he retold the story in 2007, at another commencement speech, the offended Jewish person was no longer a woman. Perhaps Carson the crybaby Jew was less sympathetic as a man. He also added a riff on slavery, because of course he did:
Ben Carson says Jews are like overly sensitive dog owners
When Carson told the joke again in 2010, "Auschwitz" became the more generic "concentration camp," perhaps to avoid making Dachau survivors feel left out, but the common thread is that the offended Jew is just like the offended dog owner, none of whom are good sports like Carson is about slavery.
Ben Carson Says Nazi Germany Can Happen Here
In January, Carson compared the United States to Nazi Germany, because it was a day ending in "day":
"There comes a time when people with values simply have to stand up. Think about Nazi Germany. Most of those people did not believe in what Hitler was doing. But what did they speak up? Did they stand up for what they believe in? They did not, and you saw what happened. And if you believe the same thing can't happen again, you're very wrong."
Ben Carson Flips Out on Reporters, Demands They Care About Obama 'Sealed' Record That Aren't Sealed
Ben Carson's entire press conference from Friday night is amazing, but one of the highlights was his frantic demand that reporters care about President Obama's sealed Occidental College transcripts. Problem is, they're not sealed.
Ben Carson Will Sell Out His 'Close Relative' If Reporters Agree to 'Sing My Praises'
Elsewhere in Ben Carson's press conference from Friday night, after he has just told Megyn Kelly that he'd never sell out his "close relative," Carson offered him up if reporters would only agree to legally binding affadavits promising to sing his praises and never ask questions again. The upside is that after this presser, it's easier to believe he once stabbed someone:
Ben Carson Entertains Drone Strikes at US-Mexico Border
On August 19 of this year, Carson told a reporter in Arizona that ""You look at some of these caves and things out there one drone strike, boom, and they'd gone." Here's what Carson said when he followed up:
Reporter Dennis Welch: “Drone strikes on American soil seems a little over the top, even to entertain that idea.”
Ben Carson: “You can entertain all kinds of things,” Carson responds. “Here’s the take-home point: The take-home point is that we have excellent military leaders and we need to employ their expertise because this is a war we are fighting. That’s the bottom line."
Ben Carson Will Only Use Magical Drones on Mexico Border
After suggesting drone strikes at the border, Carson tried to explain to CNN that he would only use drones to take out tunnels and caves, and only if they were empty. Maybe he plans on sending his Angel Tutor in there to check things out first. Carson never explains, and Jim Acosta never asks, why you would use a drone instead of a demolition crew on empty caves which, presumably, aren't going to get up and walk away. That's okay, I'm sure President Carson's Secretary of Homeland Security Joe Arpaio will ask all the tough questions:
"There are caves that they utilize. Those caves can be eliminated. There are a number of possibilities -- that could be one of them."
"Read my lips...I'm not talking about killing people. No people with drones."
Ben Carson Says God Sent an Angel To Tutor Him In His Sleep
Carson told this story at yet another prayer breakfast this year:
Ben Carson 'Not Sure' Domestic Violence Is a Plague
What kind of person has to be told by Bill O'Reilly that domestic violence is a plague? In this Factor appearance, Carson somehow manages to work in the stabbing story again:
Ben Carson's Favorite Book of the Bible? Poverbs.
Remember when Carson weirdly attacked Donald Trump by bragging about his own humility? This is the punchline to that. At that press conference, he quoted Proverbs, which he does quite often, and the Book of Proverbs figures heavily in his redemption from the stabbing story. Well, The Guardian is now featuring a photo essay of Carson's home that includes the following verse chiseled into the wall:
By Humility And The Fear Of The Lord Are Riches,Honor, And Life - poverbs 22:4
Reminds me of the time I went to Family Dollar and scored myself a sweet copy of "The Holy Blible."
As if that wasn't funny enough, Carson was having that monument to humility chiseled into a home that The Guardian portrays as a veritable shrine to Ben Carson, including, and I'm not making this up, this picture of Ben Carson with Jesus:
I'm guessing they were at a book signing, but whose book signing?