No, Texas, the U.S. Military Isn't Planning To Take You Over, You're Just F*cking Crazy

Here's where I point out that what I'm about to tell you isn't a joke. I am not making this up.
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Here's where I point out that what I'm about to tell you isn't a joke. I am not making this up.
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(Photos: AP)

Most people in the United States who aren't living in Texas can barely put up with Texas. It may not be the most ignorant state in the union in terms of concentration, but simply by virtue of it's size it has the largest volume of pure, weapons-grade stupidity and it's damn well legally ratified that stupidity better than anybody else. Texas has so much misguided pride in every single thing it does that it's only natural for it to revel in its lack of anything approaching enlightenment. You want a U.S. representative who immediately blames mass-casualty shootings on a lack of God in schools and who goes on wild-eyed rants about owls mating on Kmart signs? Texas has it. Looking for a senator who reads Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor -- completely missing the point of it -- and who leads a full shutdown of the government? There's Texas. A state that threatens to secede from the union every national election cycle? Texas, baby.

The bottom line here is that if a substantial portion of the U.S. -- the portion with an average IQ above that of a hamster -- had its way, Texas would be overrun by those ISIS troops it's afraid are going to come across the border from Mexico. Nobody gives a shit about Texas except Texans. And yet, in the latest case of that special mind-boggling combination of idiocy and arrogance that the Lone Stars specialize in, the governor of Texas is officially concerned that government troops are going to make his state the very first step on their way to creating a junta on American soil.

Here's where I point out that what I'm about to tell you isn't a joke. I am not making this up. On Tuesday, Texas's Republican Governor Greg Abbott ordered the State Guard to monitor an upcoming joint U.S. military training exercise slated to take place in rural Bastrop County, southeast of Austin. The reason? He's responding to the concerns of hundreds of citizens who showed up at a town meeting in Bastrop a couple of days ago to pelt a U.S. Army commander with questions about whether the exercises were nothing more than cover for a hostile takeover of Texas. 200 hillbilly morons, in a room, demanding to know whether the government was planning to confiscate their guns and implement martial law. And where did they get this bug-fuck insane idea? The internet -- specifically, of course, Alex Jones's InfoWars site, which traffics in nothing but this kind of ridiculous conspiracist horseshit.

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The military simulation is called"Jade Helm 15," which any loyal tin-foil hatted Jones acolyte knows is really just a fancy term for the dreaded "Agenda 21," the plan to put U.N. troops inside the United States to shove us all into FEMA camps where our precious bodily fluids will be sapped and impurified. But they'll be damned if they're gonna let that happen in Texas. They've been prepping for this invasion and takeover attempt for years. Hell, back in 2012 a judge in Lubbock warned everyone that U.N. forces were going to overrun Texas if President Obama won reelection, but that he and the local sheriff would stand in defiance, drive them out and eventually "take up arms and get rid of the guy." (The guy being the President of the United States.) Once those government jackboots see Texas's unofficial militia -- the 101st Open Carry Fat Guy brigade -- they'll lay down their weapons and high-tail it on back across the border. Because you don't mess with Texas.

Look, I know there are a hell of a lot of good, smart, cool people in Texas. Its reputation for being a place where independent thinking and iconoclastic weirdness can thrive didn't just materialize out of thin air. But the fact that the state has been infected with virulent stupidity at its highest levels to where the people in charge of the government there are holding beliefs, saying things and making decisions a mental patient would be embarrassed by is a serious problem. Somebody's electing these lunatics. And these lunatics are then pandering to and entertaining the even deeper lunacy of the people who put them in charge. Governor Abbott's spokesperson says that it's "not a fair characterization" to say that Abbott is indulging the outlandish delusions of conspiracist paranoiacs here. He’s merely "addressing concerns expressed by Texas citizens that are looking for more information about the factors of the operation and have expressed safety concerns about property rights and civil liberties."

In other words, yes, he's absolutely indulging the outlandish delusions of conspiracist paranoiacs.

And he's the fucking governor.

I swear, at this point, Texas doesn't need to be taken over by the military. It needs to be nuked from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.