Best Of Banter: Shove Your Paleo Diet, Netanyahu Speaks To Congress, and Guy Fieri Is Still Insane

Here's the week that was, at The Daily Banter.
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Here's the week that was, at The Daily Banter.
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March has rolled right in like a reminder that this year, like all previous ones, marks yet another notch off your incredibly short road to the grave. Rest easy, friend, for your agonizingly short descent into the cold and  immortal nothingness does not proceed alone. Your humble friends at The Daily Banter have documented this particular seven-day passage of your ceaseless march towards death like every other.

From the paleo diet to which countries Jeb Bush is going to send U.S. forces to "liberate," here's the week that was, at The Daily Banter.

Here’s Where You Can Shove Your Paleo Diet

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This piece is so good that you'll want to print it on executive-style 100% cotton paper and frame it on your wall. Chez Pazienza tells paleo diet freaks exactly where they can shove it, covering everything from their insane skepticism of modern medicine to their less-than-convincing diet model based entirely on the naturalistic fallacy.

But what Chez really nails is the fundamentally perverted nature of the paleo position, which is just as rooted in rejection of scientific evidence as anti-vax theory. Seriously, screw the chest-thumping modern cavemen and their ridiculous diet. As Chez writes, you'll be better off for it.

An Open Challenge To The Media: Can You Stop Using These Irritating Clickbait Headlines?

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Well, can you? Editor-in-chief Ben Cohen nails some of the most annoying headline archetypes (for which there's an established business model, I can assure you) and asks the media why they can't do better. "We’re all in this together, but the race to the bottom will ultimately be the death of us," Ben writes. "The more clickbait we publish, the less valuable all content becomes."

Disclaimer: I don't know what Mic.com is, or who those good writers Ben is talking about are. You should Google it.

What Would Ben Carson Think If Being Black Was A Choice?

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Ben Carson has a lot of interesting opinions about the choices various people make, such as how prisoners 'willingly' choose to get gay-raped in prison. Tommy Christopher skewers the logic of debating whether homosexuality is a choice by asking Carson just how he feels about the decision a fetus makes to be black or not.

"If being black were a choice, does Ben Carson think it would be okay to leave Jim Crow in place? Instead of a civil rights act, why not just grant equality to anyone who renounces their blackness, embraces whiteness, and legally becomes white?" After all, if it's a choice to be a member of a social group subject to widespread discrimination, then isn't it okay to discriminate against them? Tommy asks Carson the hard question of what, exactly, separates gays from black people other than Carson's own homophobia.

Israel Or the United States: ‘Who’s the F*cking Superpower Here?’

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It's the United fucking States. Duh. But newcomer Lenny DeFranco examines just why Israeli right-wingers have come to believe they can boss the U.S. around, as well as how they're getting away with it. He accurately suggests that it has something to do with a current Israeli prime minister's paranoid delusion of a fantastical U.S.-Iranian friendship, as well as his right-wing party's fever dreams of a U.S. that no longer uncritically backs their every move.

Lenny has some harsh words for these hatemongers;

Yes, Iran’s government is repressive. Israel, meanwhile, is consistently one of the planet’s most outrageous flouters of international law. It torments and murders the people who used to live on the land that it commandeered, and under Netanyahu it has all but abandoned the two-state solution that has long been the glimmer of hope in the whole situation. Iran’s Supreme Leader may be a primitive theocrat, but Israel’s statehood isn’t much better, premised on biblical prophecy as it is.

Guy Fieri Made a Giant Pile of Nachos in a Trash Can, Because Your God Has Abandoned You

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Approximately zero out of ten chefs would consider a greasy pile of Tex-Mex ingredients tossed in a lukewarm trash can "food," so of course that's exactly the route Guy Fieri chose with his latest late-term culinary abortion. Chez takes it from here: "Fieri is our culture’s judgment day. May we all suffer accordingly in the eternal bowling shirt flames of the hell known as Flavortown."

Unwavering American Support For Israel Explained In One Flowchart

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Members of Congress would do well to consult this handy flowchart on Israel, whether their political views be aggressively pro-Israel, belligerently pro-Israel or even irrationally pro-Israel. I hear there's other ways to feel about Israel, but even the nascent awareness of such views automatically makes you an anti-Semite. Follow the chart.

BANTER EXCLUSIVE: White House Reacts To LAPD Shooting Of Homeless Man

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That horrific video of LAPD officers shooting a homeless man to death in Skid Row has been all over the news this week, but Obama's White House certainly would rather pretend it wasn't. Tommy Christopher poses the difficult questions here, to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

MEMBERS ONLY: Which Countries Jeb Bush Will Invade, Ranked

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Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets. From Iraq to China, we've got all of Jeb Bush's potential "regime changes" ranked from least patriotic to most genocide-y. With Paul Wolfowitz on his team it's gotta be somewhere, right?