Sorry Guys, It Turns Out Female "Squirting" Is Just Peeing

Your porn lied to you again.
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Chez Pazienza
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Your porn lied to you again.
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Porn asks men to believe a lot of ridiculous conceits: that there's nothing women love more than a faceful of slime that smells like bleach at the end of every single sexual encounter; that they'll put aside anything else they might be doing, such as simply walking down the street, to get into a van filled with frat boys; that they actually enjoy fucking Ron Jeremy. But maybe more ridiculous than anything else, it asks us to believe that there are women in our midst who have the unique ability to shoot a gushing torrent of liquid out of their vaginas and halfway across the room when they come and that this liquid is comparable to male ejaculate. For the uninitiated -- and I won't even pretend that includes me -- this alleged phenomenon is known as "squirting."

There are some major idiots out there who actually believe squirting is legit, that at some point they might strike gold and find themselves one of these mythical sexual creatures -- someone who squirts when she comes. Common sense has always dictated that this was likely impossible, that squirting was nonsense, but now science has come along to prove it. According to a new study by a group of French researchers -- just go ahead and insert one of a dozen obvious jokes -- sure, it's possible to strike that gold, but it's probably not going to be the gold you're looking for. That's because, as anyone with a brain suspected for years, female "ejaculating" is really nothing more than peeing. No, moron, it's not lady-jizz -- it's piss.

Now according to the official findings, which were released on December 24th just in time for Christmas so that Santa wouldn't be the only thing coming that night, we're not talking about regular sexual activity here, since yes, of course there's liquid that a female vagina produces during sex and and can be ejected during orgasm that isn't urine. But those movies you deny having seen in mixed company that feature a woman literally firing a jet of liquid from between her legs like she's one of the lesser-known X-Men are nothing more than her deliberately pissing for effect.

What this means, of course, is that if you've actually been with a woman who fired a jet of liquid from between her legs all over you and left you with a big self-satisfied grin on your face because you figured you made her almost literally explode, congratulations, you got peed on.

Some of us actually request that kind of thing. But I'm sure a lot of men would be -- ahem -- pissed off by it.

(h/t Vice)