Salon Does Not Want You to Enjoy Halloween

Your child will get cancer and die if he/she does not wear hand made sustainable organic cotton costumes from fair trade-approved cooperatives.
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Your child will get cancer and die if he/she does not wear hand made sustainable organic cotton costumes from fair trade-approved cooperatives.
GMO Halloween

"I can't write a parody of these people that even begins to hold a candle to the real thing."

- Chez Pazienza referring to Salon.com

Our very own Sam Doloncot has penned a highly useful essay on how to have a socially just, and cultural appropriation-free Halloween. But in case you need further instruction on stripping all the fun out of America's favorite party holiday, Salon staff writer Lindsay Abrams has penned perhaps the greatest guide ever to feeling guilty about, well, everything you're doing on Halloween.

Allow us to translate Abrams' Halloween-shaming guilt trip.

Abrams:

The most offensive party of this year’s entirely foreseeable Halloween “scandal” — the Sexy Ebola Containment Suit – isn’t that it managed to objectify women while at the same time trivializing a major public health crisis....It isn’t even that there are health clinics at the heart of West Africa’s Ebola outbreak that are desperately in need of protective gear, and those who choose this Halloween costume might as well raise one of those latex-gloved hands and slap them in the face with it. What’s really outrageous and offensive is that we’re all pretending to be outraged and offended — when really, we’re totally buying into this crap.

Translation:

Do not wear clothes. Think about the Africans.

Abrams:

And yes, sometimes they’re sexy costumes for pets, because sexualization isn’t just for prepubescent girls anymore.

Translation:

Something something something gender issues.

Abrams:

A study from the Michigan-based Ecology Center, which regularly tests consumer products for potential toxicity, found that the children’s Halloween costumes, props and party supplies sold at large national retailers — Party City, Wal-Mart, CVS and Target, to name a few — contained a number of worrisome chemicals, including phthalates, lead, tin and brominated flame retardants, which are linked to everything from asthma to reproductive problems and cancer.

Translation:

Your child will get cancer and die if he/she does not wear hand made sustainable organic cotton costumes from fair trade-approved cooperatives.

Abrams:

It can absolutely still be a day for binging on too many sweets, but it could also be a great day to get to know your neighbors — or, in the case of that apocryphal Dear Prudence column, for welcoming less-advantaged strangers into your community.

Translation:

White people should talk to black people on Halloween. If possible inform them about the dangers of corn syrup and the virtues of organic apples.

Abrams:

Hey, it’s probably not even the worst thing to blow off our collective steam by throwing a few eggs — so long as they’re cage-free, of course.

Translation:

See, I can make jokes! Actually, I'm not joking. Buy organic.

Can someone make it stop? Please Salon. Make it stop.

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RELATED: Read Sam Doloncot on how to have a socially just Halloween, or his ideas for 6 socially just superheroes.