Monica and Hillary the Movie: Let's Make It Happen

Can these women put aside their differences, find some common ground, and form an unstoppable duo to bring the country together at last?
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Can these women put aside their differences, find some common ground, and form an unstoppable duo to bring the country together at last?
Screen Shot 2014-10-22 at 6.17.05 PM

Monica Lewinsky inserted herself back into the news recently by joining Twitter and announcing her mission to defeat cyberbullying. Claiming she was one of the very first people to ever be cyberbullied after she engaged in an affair with President Bill Clinton back in the late 1990s, Lewinsky has chosen both a great moment and an incredibly awkward moment to come forward (again, pun intended). As it happens, cyberbullying has reached a fever pitch between the upsetting number of teenagers killing themselves because of it and adults dealing with death threats over video games. But as it also happens, the wife of that president with whom Lewinsky had an affair is considering her own run for the presidency.

If this isn't the plot to an amazing odd couple-buddy movie, I don't know what is. It's a super sketchy situation for the parties involved, but for the rest of us? This could be great.

Imagine, if you will: Hillary Clinton, former and future presidential candidate, and brand new grandmother! Things are really looking up for Hill -- and then Monica shows up again! That thorn in her side, that wart on her hand, that mole on her nose… that blasted girl who refuses to go away, and now she's crapping all over her hot streak and grandparently afterglow! But all Monica wants to do is help make this country a better, safer place for the next generation. Can these women put aside their differences, find some common ground, and form an unstoppable duo to bring the country together at last?

But seriously, can they? If Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team of Rivals could inspire Barack Obama, why can't Monica & Hillary: The Movie inspire Monica and Hillary in real life? Okay, different situations, I know. But hear me out.

We open on Hillary, settling in and checking her phone for any important emails after putting her granddaughter to bed. The TV hums in the background; Bill is watching Masters of Sex on Showtime. Hillary sets up her tea kettle to boil some water for a late-night cuppa. She scrolls through her Twitter feed and reads the headline: Monica Lewinsky re-emerges.

What. The. Fuck.

Hillary seethes. Bill giggles as Lizzy Caplan's breasts fill the TV screen. The tea kettle starts screaming and steaming…

In another part of town, Monica is cuddled up on her couch in a fetal position, holding a mug of hot cocoa with two hands, watching the very same episode of Masters of Sex. She is distracted by her iPad (as usual) and visiting the Clinton Foundation web site. But she isn't looking for Bill. She's looking for Hill. She wants to make things right.

In a series of near-encounters and comic misunderstandings, Monica and Hillary embark on a Bride Wars-meets-You've Got Mail-style adventure filled with bad timing, pratfalls, bad haircuts, and at least one incident involving the bathroom.

In a hilarious twist of fate, both women are scheduled to deliver the commencement address. Monica spills coffee all over Hillary's symbolically blue pantsuit, worn as a truce between her and her former rival.

Hillary: Monica.

Monica: Hillary.

Hillary: This is so…

Monica: I know. I know. Oh, you're wearing blue. That's...funny.

Hillary: It's not what you think.

Monica: Oh, really?

Hillary: It's a white flag. Or a blue flag. I don't know, but it's a way for me to tell you that when I first met you, I saw potential in you. I saw a chubby, fat-faced, eager beaver, naive --

Monica: Okay…

Hillary: Potential superstar.

Monica: Really?

Hillary: Yes, really. Work with me, Monica. Let's put this bullshit behind us, be real women. Adults. Allies.

Monica. I'd like that!

Hillary: Me too!

Monica: So would Bill!

Hillary: Tramp.

Monica: What?

Hillary: What?

And then Hillary made Monica her Cyberbullying Czar and all forms of bullying and shaming ended forever! At least it did in the movie, which will never happen, but it should -- even if I have to write this amazing fan fiction myself.

Image Credit: ABC News