Dear Phil Robertson: Just Come Out of the Closet Already

The Duck Dynasty star can't shut up about the gays. I wonder why.
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The Duck Dynasty star can't shut up about the gays. I wonder why.
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It's day 290 in the ongoing "Duck Dynasty: America's IQ Held Hostage" saga.

You'll remember that just last week bearded, duck-calling Godfather Phil Robertson once again saw fit to grace us with his special brand of scripture-based backwater wisdom -- this time on the subject of foreign policy -- by telling Sean Hannity that the way to defeat ISIS is to convert them to Christianity or kill them. Then a couple of days later he was once again spouting off about the gays, saying to Good Morning America, "I'm as much of a homophobe as Jesus was." The big week for the Robertson clan was rounded out by redneck action figure Willie Robertson suggesting to Christians everywhere that they take their non-believer friends to see the upcoming big-budget reboot of Left Behind, which stars Nicolas Cage as a depressed ex-Hollywood A-lister forced by his own bad life choices into holding his nose and taking a paycheck in any embarrassing project that comes his way. Willie Robertson believes, I guess, that by showing atheists how low Cage has sunk, they'll immediately be motivated to turn their lives over to Christ.

I could list this kind of shit all day, which means that I'll skip right over Phil Robertson's recent "Summit of Stupid" with Sarah Palin -- video of which was posted on her Facebook page a few days ago -- and get right to the latest bunch of authentic frontier gibberish to come tumbling out of his piehole. During a one-on-one sermon to fellow traveler Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council yesterday, Robertson busted out a conservative Christian classic: that AIDS and diseases like it are God's punishment for tolerating gays and for immorality in general.

Mediaite listened so you don't have to:

“Is this coincidental that viewing all of the immoral conduct that America is now participating in… Do you think it’s a coincidence,” Robertson asked, “that all of these debilitating — literally that can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?”

“God says, ‘One woman, one man,’ and everyone says, ‘Oh, that’s old hat, that’s that old Bible stuff,’” Robertson continued. “But I’m thinking, well let’s see now. A clean guy — a disease-free guy and a disease-free woman — they marry and they keep their sex between the two of them. They’re not going to get chlamydia, and gonorrhea, and syphilis, and AIDS. It’s safe.”

“To me, either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow immoral conduct, or, it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leaning towards there’s a penalty toward it,” he added. “If you want to be safe from a lot of debilitating diseases,” Robertson said, the “route to go” is “one man and one woman,” as God intended.

We could argue the science with him here, but honestly why bother? This is a man who believes the earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago and who carries an ancient book of stories around with him that he has to consult before making any decisions. What I will say is this: It's time for Phil Robertson to come out of the closet. I know, it's cliché to claim that strident homophobia is really nothing more than deflection from one's own latent homosexuality. But seriously, is there anybody in America right now who thinks about gay men more than Phil Robertson?

You'll remember that last December in GQ magazine -- come on, GQ? -- Robertson spoke extensively about the desirability of "a man's anus" and went on to say that he wasn't sorry at all for doing so. Then a few months later, there he was giving a sermon in Louisiana, talking about the, ahem, flames that awaited gays. This was immediately followed by an appearance in Alabama in which he told a crowd largely composed of men to "get your tail down there." Then of course there's last week when he really seemed to fling that closet door open by saying, "People who are participating in homosexual behavior, they need to know that I love them.”

All of this, by the way, followed a 2010 speech in which he couldn't hide his very strong feelings about "men with men." And of course topping everything off is the fact that Phil regularly proclaims his love for and absolute devotion to a man who he believes looks like a blue-eyed cross between Fabio and a Dan Haggerty-esque bear who hung out with 12 guys and is regularly pictured in his underwear. Phil calls this man his "father" and talks a lot about him "coming soon."

Oh, and the letters in "Phil Robertson" can be rearranged to spell "Throbs Per Loin." I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds totally gay.

Seriously, Phil, you have to finally just break down and tell your family what's really going on with you. You can't live this lie anymore. It's time to leave the duck and come over to the cock.

Shave that beard, get yourself some decent clothes, and in a few months I'll bet this will be you:

Now isn't that better, sweetie?