The Complete Idiot's Guide To Attracting Women: Republican Edition

Follow these tips, and you won't end up involuntarily celibate.... or out of office.
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Follow these tips, and you won't end up involuntarily celibate.... or out of office.
Ablow

It's tough out there if you're a socially conservative Republican player. Fox contributor Keith Ablow came under fire from feminists this week just for suggesting Michelle Obama "needs to drop a few" pounds at a time when playing the pickup game with female voters has never been harder.

But you don't need to panic. "Nice guys" never win, and neither do wussy RINOs who roll over and pander to female voters. With these Republican pickup artist (PUA) tricks, seduction has never been easier in the bedroom and the voting booth. Follow these tips, and you won't end up involuntarily celibate.... or out of office.

1)  Women have fragile self esteem -- "neg" them by repeatedly calling them fat, old, and ugly on major talk shows and columns.

Ablow is just the latest PUA to crush this move. The New York Post totally negged Hillary Clinton for being a weak little Grandma, while former Bush CIA chief Michael Hayden responded to Sen. Dianne Feinstein's criticism of surveillance programs by pointing out she was "too emotionally unstable" to have good judgement. Slap on some buttons making fun of "KFC Hillary's" "2 Fat Thighs, 2 Small Breasts," or share videos making fun of how ugly feminists are. Or neg them for looking too good, like calling them "Abortion Barbies."

SeductionScience's Jesse Charger writes that if you take away women's self-confidence, "their whole reality crumbles and they’ll do anything to get it back." Like voting for them.

2) Always Be Cruising (ABC): While you're really there to tap some mad electoral tail, always remember to hit on your staff and colleagues.

gingrich

Image credit: Gage Skidmore

A champ like Newt Gingrich never slows down and never misses an opportunity. A boss like Herman Cain knows women in the workplace are just another target for sexual conquest. South Carolina beast Mark Sanford was smart enough to use the company credit card for his dalliances in Argentina, and if it weren't for those meddling reporters he'd still be schmoozing it up with hotties a continent away. It doesn't even have to be a political staffer -- Schwarzenegger slept with his housekeeper.

If you just remember to ABC, we can keep beating the Democrats on sex scandals. But for Christ's sake, don't get caught with a guy.

3) Be an Alpha conservative: Pathetic, emasculated Beta conservatives go with "polls" and "swing voters," while Alpha conservatives take control and lead with their gut.

Strong

It's all about the psychology, bro. An Alpha Conservative campaign ad just straight up says "vote for me, or your dick is soft."

A Beta conservative runs some weak shit with girly songs.

An Alpha Conservative like Dave Brat straight up lets people know if they don't embrace Christian capitalism, Hitler will come back and then he'll have to kick the Führer's ass. A Beta conservative like Eric Cantor hides behind lies and tries to buy his way into office.

Lady conservatives can be lesser Alpha conservatives, too. Just literally say you're going to cut off the federal government's dick, or blow away a copy of Obamacare in your leather jacket.

4) But remember, it's all about the fluff talk.

santor

Image credit: Gage Skidmore

All that Alpha shit is great. But sometimes you need to, as Rep. Renee Ellmers of North Carolina put it, "bring it down to a woman’s level." Women can be a little put off by all that testosterone at first, but that's why the masters at the NRCC offer tutoring sessions on how to get across your best pro-Christian, pro-family lines without alerting them to the fact that you're out playing the Game.

We're not stopping there: top Republican pollsters and scientists are constantly researching the wily female psyche and coming up with new ways to DHV (demonstrate high value) and SUAL (shut up and lead) so you can STMD (seal the motherfucking deal) without EYHOW (exposing your hatred of women).

5) Cleverly outsmart the entire female gender with legislative tricks and wile, leaving them hot, ready and willing on key issues.

The Game is a battlefield and women are the enemy, so sometimes you gotta pull some clever tricks like sneaking a fetal personhood amendment into a federal flood insurance bill. Women are easily dazzled, so think of the last minute bait-and-switch as your peacock feathers. Try quietly adding some extreme anti-abortion amendments to your anti-Sharia law, or banning gay marriage statewide before the public knows what you're doing. Bury language fighting abortion health care reform bills and state budgets. Covertly redefine rape.

Ladies might say they don't like it, but they secretly do. Once you get them alone in the voting booth, they'll know which level to pull.

6) Women are naturally submissive. Let them know you're ready to take charge.

paulryan

Image credit: TIME

Women are just begging for a dominant Alpha Conservative to come in and make them all lusty. There are several approaches here, both equally effective. Rep. Michele Bachmann wants all women to submit to their husbands like it says in the Bible. Barely-containable Alpha male Erick Erickson prefers evolutionary psychology and explaining how workplace equality is "anti-science." Ladies' man Paul Ryan doesn't need words at all, just a photo montage of him pumping iron. Or mix it all up like Joe the Plumber, who reminds women that God had women "created with the nurturing gene," not the ones that give you rock-hard abs.

7) Nothing turns a woman on like being forced to have a baby. Remind them that's your plan for America -- and if she's lucky, her.

640px-Donald_Spitz_holds_anti-abortion_

Image credit: RevSpitz

Sex leads to babies; it's just God's natural, sensual plan for women. But sometimes a firm paternal touch is needed to save innocent Christian babies from the fate of never being born in the first place.

Oppose any and all abortion exceptions for rape, incest, and the life of the mother. Don't let those babies cramp your style, though -- never pay child support.

8) Show women you understand their needs in the bedroom by explaining how you think a uterus works.

akin

Image credit: SomethingAwful

We get it, fellas. The female reproductive system can be pretty confusing, but we guarantee bitches love it when a man puts in the study time to really know his way around lady ... part ... things. Just ask Todd Akin, Richard Mourdock, Joe Walsh, Trent Franks, Phil Gingrey, Fay Boozman, Pennsylvania's Stephen Freind, and North Carolina's Henry Aldridge, all of whom took the time to talk to the media about vaginas and are now absolutely swimming in female voters. If they're that good as amateur OB/GYNs, imagine how toe-curlingly good they must be in the sack.

9) Never fly solo; always bring along a wingman to make you look good in comparison.

randted

Image credit: Gage Skidmore

Bringing along a buddy to take some off the heat can be the secret sauce to closing the deal, whether it's chatting up some cute young interns at a D.C. bar or a tense Senate race. Pick carefully from some of your more gung-ho friends, and let them suddenly boost your chances of re-election by setting them loose beside you.

Your ideal wingman is someone like Arizona Tea Party candidate Gary Kiehne, who accidentally put out an ad with a huge horse erection dangling just inches from his head. That's the kind of thing that'll have the fairer sex looking for a more moderate, experienced candidate to sweep in and rescue them:

Horsepenis

11) Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up, no matter how manyelections you blow, Senate Democrats foil your plans or courts rule against you.

No

You're a man, and no one tells a man "no" but himself. Never accept a setback. Just look at Ablow, who got right back on that "call Michelle Obama fat" horse, or Glenn Beck, who doubled down on poking fun at sexual assault survivors (harmless fun, why are you so offended?). If the situation looks dire, accuse your opponents of lying or voter fraud. Your persistence will pay off.

10) If all else fails, just call them a slut like you wanted to do all along:

rushl

Oh, she'll vote for Democrats, will she? If some woman starts being a problem, follow Rush Limbaugh's lead and call her out for being a dirty, unlovable slut. Or you can go full Breitbart and print posters depicting your female opponent on her knees.

But if you're currently holding public office, you might need to use classier language to remind a woman of her innate inferiority. Imitate former Rep. Allen West, who emailed DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz to let her know she was a "vile," "despicable" woman who had "proven repeatedly that [she was] not a Lady, therefore, shall not be afforded due respect from me!"

Keep these tips in mind, and your inbox can look like this before you even know it:

pelosi