Kim Kardashian Is America, And So Can You

Kim Kardashian just made $85 million exposing a simple truth about the American Dream.
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Kim Kardashian just made $85 million exposing a simple truth about the American Dream.
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Kim Kardashian is an idiot.  

This is a statement that no one outside of Kanye West seems inclined to argue against, but it’s also not entirely true.

Kim Kardashian isn’t an intellectual, that’s basically a given at this point (see: anytime she has even spoken about anything), but Mrs. Westdashian is outsmarting a sizable portion of the U.S. population. And not just those who for some reason spend hours of their lives watching her and her family fight on television, or those who think that smelling like her is a great idea.

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We’re talking about the more than one million users who have downloaded Kim Kardashian: Hollywood -- a video game that's been propelled to the most downloaded game on iTunes -- and helped contribute to its $200 million in profit. In said game, the user begins as a humble shop clerk whose main job is to make it from the E-list (which is apparently a thing) to the A-list by buying the right clothes, getting plastic surgery, going on dates with people more famous than yourself, and generally doing all the things that the people one shouldn’t be idolizing or imitating do.

But, like in the real world, as your character starfucks their way across the Hollywood Hills, you lose energy (displayed in the game as lighting bolt icons) and money. To replenish your energy, which you also need in order to go on more modeling gigs to make money, you have to wait an allotted time.

Such is life, though. You have to work hard, pay your dues, wait it out, and eventually, after you’ve worked your nails to the bone, you will succeed. That’s the whole concept of the American Dream.

Only Kim Kardashian: Hollywood has exposed a truth about the American Dream that Kim Kardashian: Human Being has known and been abusing for years now: There are loopholes. If you just pay enough money to the right people or if you do this one thing for this one person, then your dreams can come true.

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You see, the reason this app has made over $200 million already is that if you’re strapped for lightning bolts or video game cash, you can just enter your credit card number and buy some from the App Store. Then, before you know it, you may be out $59.99 in the real world, but in the digital fantasy of Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, you’re well on your way to a nose job and a date with Dirk Diamonds, a fictional B-list star in the game who I’d like to think is the love child of Dirk Nowitzki and Dustin Diamond of "Screech from Saved By TheBell" fame. Basically, if you don’t have enough money to do what you want, just buy some more money with money.

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Though this kind of mobile bamboozle shouldn’t shock anyone. None of the hundreds of thousands of users who have spent money on the free-to-download game bat an eye at this behavior because they recognize that this is how the system works. You don’t want to do something and there’s no way around it? Pay someone enough money and that thing will get done.

And while Kardashian herself may have been born with a diamond-encrusted silver spoon in her mouth, she’s since taken said spoon out of her mouth in lieu of even more lucrative objects, paying for her celebrity status by using loopholes of a completely different kind (insert Ray J joke here). The Armenian-American Nightmare is here to prove that the American Dream is dead.

We are now a porous nation perforated with loopholes.

According to the 2013 Census, 49% of Americans get government benefits of some kind, but an in-game tip reminds you that "Dating famous people will get you more fans."

Consumer credit has broken past the $3 trillion mark, but Digital Kim is quick to point out that "Changing your look and buying nice clothes can get you noticed."

This is a loophole economy, you just have to figure out how to work it.

Say your company can’t afford another full-time employee with all those stupid benefits you have to give them. Hire a temp! 1 out of every 10 jobs in this country is filled by a temp agency! And temps don’t need healthcare and they’re too in need of any income to ever speak out against the fact that there is basically zero chance for career advancement! Loophole!

Or say your employees are complaining about their low wage. Do what McDonald's did and encourage those employees to apply for food stamps. McLoophole!

Hell, even the economy in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood has a loophole! Last week, The Daily Dot  released the ultimate guide to hacking the game, granting pathetically die-hard users the opportunity to climb the ranks of a pretend celebrity culture with the speed of a sex-taping hip-hop wife.

Because this is America, land of the free and home of the people brave enough to do whatever it takes to not have to do what it takes to succeed.