How To Decide Which Dead White Guy Should Come Off Our Money

President Obama believes putting a few women on our currency is a "pretty good idea," which means we're going to have to bump one of our Founding Fathers from the current roster. But who?
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President Obama believes putting a few women on our currency is a "pretty good idea," which means we're going to have to bump one of our Founding Fathers from the current roster. But who?
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This morning, Breitbart writer Charlie Spiering tweeted out that President Obama believes putting a few women on our currency is, to quote the commander-in-chief, a "pretty good idea."

https://twitter.com/charliespiering/statuses/494515673725665280

But unless we start printing $3 bills -- thus ruining possibly tens of people's burgeoning $2 bill collections -- so that we can squeeze Harriet Tubman or Eleanor Roosevelt or Oprah or whoever on the list, we're going to have to bump one of our Founding Fathers from the current roster.

But whom to choose? Whose reputation has soured enough over the years that we can rationalize giving them the boot? There's only one way to decide...

A PROS AND CONS LIST!!!


GEORGE WASHINGTON

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Current Currency: $1 bill AND the quarter

Pros:

- He was commander-in-chief of the Continental Army during the American Revolution

- He was the first President of the United States

- He is hailed as "Father of our Country"

Cons:

- He totally had slaves

- His refusal to run for a third term effectively established term limits, which eliminates all hope at ever seeing this again

- He had a stong distaste for cherry trees, which are lovely

- He still owes the New York Library over $300,000

- There's already a lot of stuff with his name and face on it, including two different types of currency

THOMAS JEFFERSON

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Current Currency: $2 bill AND the nickel

Pros:

- He authored the Declaration of Independence

- He hoodwinked the French with the Louisiana Purchase

- He helped develop the concept of interchangeable parts in manufacturing

- He opposed slavery

Cons:

- Yet he still totally had slaves (with "had" having multiple meanings in this case)

- He founded the University of Virginia, the place where assholes that can't get into Duke go

- He's also already on two different types of currency, including the elusive $2 bill

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

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Current Currency: $5 bill AND the penny

Pros:

- He kept our fractured nation intact

- He abolished slavery

- He was the inspiration for Lincoln Logs

Cons:

- The Emancipation Proclamation didn't actually free all the slaves (since it was issued as a military measure, it didn’t apply to border slave states like Delaware, Maryland, Kentucky and Missouri, all of which had remained loyal to the Union)

- He's not sporting the most attractive face to have to stare at when you hand over a fiver for your mocha latte

- He also already appears on multiple currencies, including the penny, the luckiest form of currency we have

ALEXANDER HAMILTON

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Current Currency: $10 bill

Pros:

- He was one of the most influential interpreters and promoters of the U.S. Constitution

- He founded the nation's financial system

- He founded the first American political party

Cons:

- He has a serious lack of name recognition (seriously, did anyone remember he was on the $10 bill?)

- He got caught having an extra-marital affair and had to resign from public office

- He founded the nation's financial system

- He founder the first American political party

- He's only a silver medal dueler....

ANDREW JACKSON

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Current Currency: $20 bill

Pros:

- He was a military hero in the War of 1812 (remember that one?)

- In January 1835, Jackson paid off the entire national debt, the only time in U.S. history that has been accomplished

- After a failed assassination attempt (both guns misfired), Jackson beat the would-be assassin with his cane while Davey Freakin' Crockett, who was present at the time, restrained and disarmed him, and that is one awesome #AMERICA image

Cons:

- He, also, totally had slaves

- There was that whole Trail of Tears thing

- He adamantly believed in a gold standard and wouldn't want his face on flat money anyway

- He won the Presidential election by pandering to the poor and uneducated (only to forsake them after being elected)

ULYSSES S. GRANT

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Current Currency: $50

Pros:

- He was the 18th President of the United States

- Most poeple know him as "The Main Good Guy" in the Civil War

- He helped protect African-American rights and even actively went after the Ku Klux Klan during his time in office

- He had a great name, but an even better beard

Cons:

- Kind of a lot of scandals happened during his administration...

- He forgot to actually reconstruct the South during Reconstruction

BEN FRANKLIN 

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Current Currency: $100 bill

Pros:

- He was a major figure in the American Enlightenment

- He helped promote the Abolitionist movement

- He was a diplomat extraordinaire (he got England to repeal the Stamp Act)

- He published Poor Richard's Almanack 

Cons:

- He still totally had slaves until the end of his life

- He really enjoyed him some French hookers

- He came up with The 13 Virtues, presumably to make us all feel bad about ourselves

CONCLUSION:

The same way it's just easier to rationalize your grandpa's racism as him being "from a different generation," it looks like we're going to have to let the whole "owning slaves thing" slide since that would eliminate almost every candidate we have on here, but fortunately for us (and the world) only one person on this list actively committed genocide against another people.

Andrew Jackson, your time on the $20 is over. The only people who will miss you are Floridians and rappers who liked that Jackson rhymed with a bunch of other words.

Though not to sound too much like Robin Thicke, but what rhymes with Tubman?