Here's Why Jon Stewart Started a $10 Billion Kickstarter To Buy CNN

Jon Stewart needs our help to buy CNN. We should give it to him.
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Jon Stewart needs our help to buy CNN. We should give it to him.
JonStewart

On Tuesday's The Daily Show, Jon Stewart announced a kickstarter to buy CNN.

Stewart's facetious campaign comes in the wake of the revelation that Newscorp Rupert Murdoch recently offered $10 billion to buy Time Warner, which owns CNN. Murdoch's offer was rejected, but it's quite possible and even likely that he will continue to make a push at the communications giant. If Murdoch were to succeed, CNN would have to be sold off.

While Stewart is famous for his devastatingly hilarious takedowns of Murdoch's Fox News, his late night disembowelings of CNN are just as entertaining. But the best and most famous Stewart-CNN moment ever didn't come on The Daily Show, but CNN itself, on an episode of the original Crossfire in October 2004 in which Stewart said the show is "hurting America" and that they should "stop."

For the part where Stewart calls Tucker Carlson "a dick," fast-forward to 6:06.

Four months later, CNN announced it would be canceling Crossfire.

But in 2013, CNN, assuming the role of Dr. Frankenstein, announced it would be reanimating the show from the dead by assembling a cast of discarded political retreads as hosts and guests.

CNNCSI

No, that's not CSI: CNN. It's just Crossfire.

New and improved, right? Actually, here are the types of people they invite onto the show to debate the pressing issues of the day:

SantorumLieberman

Uh oh, it looks like no one told Crossfire than Rick Santorum and Joe Lieberman haven't been in the Senate since the old show was on.

When CNN isn't inviting discredited politicians to tell us how to tell us their opinions on important stuff, they run a solid disaster porn studio, in which human suffering, ratings-grabs, and the personalities of CNN's hosts merge to form an unsightly but formidable ménage à trois of news smut.

DonLemonPlane

That's CNN anchor and grown man Don Lemon using a model plane to tell us.... well, who the hell knows? Incredibly, this scene wasn't nearly as bad as when Lemon gave credence on the air to some suggestion by someone on twitter that the plane may have been swallowed by a black hole.

There's also CNN's obsession with countdowns:

CNNClock

That's a clock counting down to the debt ceiling deadline last October. For those of you keeping score at home, 201 hours is more than eight full days, which means the Clock News Network couldn't even wait until the deadline was inside a week away to begin showing off its adeptness at counting backwards.

Did I mention that CNN also stands for the (giant) Cranium News Network?

BegalaKristol

....and also the Canine News Network?

DogNews

....and finally, the (E-list) Celebrity News Network?

HoneyBooBoo

I'm not sure what Jon Stewart would do to CNN if he were ever in a position to run it, but we should try to make it a reality because this really needs to stop like last week.

The good news is, even if we fall short of $10 billion, for a cool $1 billion, this will happen:

Wolf