Here's What To Do With All Those "Coal Rolling" Conservative Truckers

This is a solution we can all get behind.
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This is a solution we can all get behind.
RollingCoal

By now you've probably heard about the truly incredible practice of "rolling coal," whereby people install smoke stacks in their trucks so that when their engines are revved, they emit large plumes of black diesel smoke. In this video, you can see the driver has placed a bumper sticker reading "PRIUS REPELLENT" on the rear window.

If you're not sure what the person driving the Prius in this video did to warrant a toxic cloud being discharged into his or her face, the answer is most likely, "voted for Obama." And if you don't believe that, here's how one coal roller explained it:

"The feeling around here is that everyone who drives a small car is a liberal. I rolled coal on a Prius once just because they were tailing me."

Thanks, Obama!

Vocativ noted the phenomenon last month, pointing to a coal rolling Facebook page with 15,000 likes, as well as Tumblr and Instagram posts exceeding 150,000. One of their memes says, “Roll, roll, rollin’ coal, let the hybrid see. A big black cloud. Exhaust that’s loud. Watch the city boy flee.”

You see, whereas cityfolk flee when faced with the prospect of inhaling fumes from a giant toxic cloud of gas, the countryfolk run headlong into it like the manly, red-blooded, real Americans that the are. That's because diesel doesn't hurt them. It makes them stronger.

So on one hand, some people are averse to diesel and don't want to get coal rolled. On the other, coal rollers love diesel and hate unmanly cars. It would seem that a compromise is in order.

The only sensible thing to do is for the coal rollers to all gather in one place -- away from all those Prii -- where they can coal roll each other and breathe the life-giving fumes of diesel. After all, 86% of diesel's fuel mass is carbon, which just so happens to be the foundation of their very lives. According to coal roller logic, therefore: more carbon = more life.

But where should they assemble?

Try the Astrodome.

Officially closed in 2006, the former home of the Astros and the old Oilers sits unused on Kirby Drive in Houston. And no one really has any idea what to do with it, making it the perfect place to invite the all those manly American men with their smoking trucks to come on down to Rick Perry's Texas for a coal rollin' hoedown inside the Eighth Wonder of the World.

They can bring down their Dodges, their Chevys, their Fords, and drive them right into the dome and start revving and blowing smoke everywhere. The great thing about the Astrodome is that it's essentially airtight with no retractable roof. That means all the diesel smoke will have nowhere to go except directly into the lungs, and hillbilly lungs crave diesel even more than plants crave Brawndo.

And to make sure the coal rollers can have their hootenanny without being molested by the groping hands of big government, the Astrodome will be free of any and all local, state, and federal environmental and safety regulations for the duration of this fossil fuel extravaganza. It will be like a domed Somalia right in Houston where rugged individualism prevails without tyrannical institutions like police and fire departments.

The event will be called Dieselmania I. It will be epic. And if it's type of success I hope it can be, there won't be a need for Dieselmania II.