The 6 Types of Emails You Get From Politicians Asking For Money

Masochistic though it may seem to refuse to hit the unsubscribe button, there are definitely some trends when it comes to email subject lines.
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Masochistic though it may seem to refuse to hit the unsubscribe button, there are definitely some trends when it comes to email subject lines.
Obama

One of the greatest gifts I ever gave myself was a filter for all the political donation emails I receive on an almost hourly basis. They are truly the bane of any generous liberal who was dumb enough to once donate $5 to a campaign or sign a petition.

But as I went to delete them all the other day, as I usually do, I realized just how desperate the Democratic Party has become. And like a well-intentioned crush who is trying way too hard, they are really starting to get on my nerves. But as I masochistically refuse to hit the unsubscribe button, I noticed a few trends in the email subject lines I've been getting.

1. THE CLICKBAIT

"Bryce, here's the thing" - Joe Biden via Democrats.org (6/29)

Joe, here's the thing: No.

"As clear as we can put it" - Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (6/29)

Oh you mean like as clear as this subject line is?

"Obama just responded" - DCCC (6/28)

And Rudow just deleted.

"Your official supporter record" (6/25)

One ticket for a guilt trip coming up.

2. THE INCENTIVE

"Fly to Austin and meet Barack, Bryce" - Joe Biden via Democrats.org (6/29)

We both live in DC. That seems inefficient.

"Your FREE sticker!" - DCCC (6/28)

The dentist gives free stickers...

"Fly out to meet the President" - DNC HQ via Democrats.org (6/28)

Seriously, I could just as easily bike.

"Once-in-a-lifetime, Bryce" - Amy K. Dacey via Democrats.org (6/24)

I wish that's how often I got these emails, Amy.

3. THE EMOTION-DRIVEN REQUEST

"You're wrong about this one, Bryce" Jordan Kaplan via Democrats.org(6/29)

I didn't realize I had chimed in.

"Oh wow - just 24 more donations from Washington!" Neeti Kaur via BarackObama.com (6/28)

If each needs to be three cents or fewer, I'm your guy.

"Now's the best time to step up" DNC HQ via Democrats.org (6/26)

Unless I want to donate tomorrow, then that's the best time.

4. THE "HELP ME OBI WAN KENOBI" CRY FOR HELP 

 "All hope is lost" - DCCC (6/29)

Goodbye, cruel Republican-filled world!

"Bryce, you're our last hope" - Debbie Wasserman Schultz via DCCC (6/28)

Debbie, if I'm your last hope, you don't have a prayer.

"If you sit this out, Bryce, we will lose" - Raul Alvillar via Democrats.org (6/25)

That is putting a lot of pressure on me, Raul!

"BIG deadline tomorrow (whoa)" - Grant Campbell via BarackObama.com (6/29)

Whoa, I'm just kind of confused by this one (whoa).

"I need you" - Barack Obama via DCCC (6/25)

Look, I'm just not ready for anything serious right now, and you're not going to be around that much longer.

"Don't sit by and let this happen, Bryce" - DNC HQ via Democrats.org (6/27)

I don't take anything sitting down, which is why I'm going to lay down, take a nap, and let this happen

5. THE BOEHNER BASH

"Boehner's mistake" - DCCC (6/26)

He fall asleep in the tanning booth again?

"Boehner HUMILIATED" - DCCC (6/28)

He fall asleep in the tanning booth again?

"Boehner's FURIOUS" - DCCC (6/29)

He fall asleep in the tanning booth again?

"Boehner = FUMING" - DCCC (6/25)

He fall asleep in the tanning booth again?

6. THE SAD PUPPY FACE

"Heart-wrenching setback" - DCCC (6/26)

Sadz.

"HEARTBREAKING" - Nancy Pelosi via DCCC (6/24)

FWD: Pat Benatar.

"CRUSHING BLOW" - DCCC (6/27)

I heard D.C. has great coke but that's quite an endorsement.

"Kiss all hope goodbye" - DCCC (6/24):

Mwah, hope!

"Throw in the towel" - Joe Biden via DCCC (6/25)

Catch!

And they wonder why no one gives a shit.

Or an extra fiver.