What If… Fox News Covered The Marvel Universe?

What if our friends at Fox News were tasked to cover the fictional Marvel Universe? What would that look like? I am the Watcher, and I am asking: WHAT IF… FOX NEWS COVERED THE MARVEL UNIVERSE?

THE OREILLY FACTOR: “You let these mutants — muties, really, marry normal Americans and that’s the end of it. The end! I don’t want that dopey Cyclops marrying MY daughter, what if his laser eyes go off during Christmas dinner? Then I’m dead, dead from his mutant eyes. DOPEY.”

oreilly-cyclops

FOX & FRIENDS: “So, have you heard this? President Obama… literally palling around with *the* Black Panther. Publicly, openly. Has the racial element just gone too far, and is Wakanda even a real place? Fair and balanced debate, coming up.”

fnf-wakanda

FOX NEWS ALERT: “Intelligence sources tell Fox News that President Obama would not allow Captain America to respond to a recent HYDRA attack on a SHIELD base. White House spokesman Jay Carney claims that Cap was 75 million light years away preventing Thanos from getting the Infinity Gauntlet, but our next guest questions whether this so-called ‘Infinity War’ actually happened.”

fnc-infinity

UP NEXT ON OUTNUMBERED: “Former Police Detective Mark Furhman tells us why we can no longer tolerate outlaws like Spider-Man. And does all that red on his costume mean he’s a Communist? Probably.”

outnumbered-spidey

THE FIVE:
“This ‘Thor’ claims to be the ‘god’ of thunder, but everyone knows there’s only ONE real God.”
“When I worked with George W, we never opened diplomatic relations with Asgard.”
“Just like liberals to believe in a God who’s from Norway.”
“Whatever you said. What do you think, Bob?”
“Drooollllllllll.”

thefive-thor

YOUR WORLD: “Red Skull says liberals are making him out to be some sort of Nazi. Not so. He just wants lower taxes. He’s a maker, not a taker.”

yourworld-redskull

KELLY FILE: “Obama to deploy Avengers as PC Police? A right wing blogger tells us that Obama has a secret plan to use the Avengers as his personal politically correct gestapo. Instead of fighting against the armies of AIM, the Avengers will be acting as Michelle Obama’s personal police!”

kelly-file-avengers

HANNITY: “We know for a fact that Hillary is secretly a mutant. She has that power like Professor X, which is why her polling is so high — mind control! Also, I’m pretty sure she has an adamantium skeleton.”

hannity-mutant

  • cyberkim

    Fox News already reports on an alternative universe. It’s called Bizarro World, where everything they say is the direct opposite of reality.

  • SaveFarris

    So instead of discussing the very real issues of the day, you’re speculating on imaginary scenarios.
    “The adults are back in charge.”

  • don

    Well done, that is some funny shit :). My only quibble would be that Mark Furhman would make sure to deny that Samuel L. Jackson was planted as Nick Fury just to piss him off.

  • aynwrong

    Well played sir! Well played.

  • CL Nicholson

    Oliver Willis – you are a nerd superstar sir! I salute you!!!

  • David L.

    Wonder what they’d say about Luke Cage, a guy with this look:

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_B2lKhIF9hxI/TD_3k6T7kvI/AAAAAAAAAAU/SpXPj8YUG1c/s400/Luke+Cage+Movie.jpg

    Probably nothing nice. Between him and T’Challa they represent everything that provokes Faux’s viewers ulcers.

    EXCELSIOR!

    • aynwrong

      It’s D.C. but imagine Hannity or Billo covering Renee Montoya.

      “Lesbian saves the world. HOW DARE SHE!!!!”

  • mellowjohn

    please don’t give rupert murdoch any ideas.

  • Aaron Litz

    HA! HA HA HA!

    Oh my God, that was priceless!

    Doom on Fox News! Infinity Gauntlet!

    Oh I just had a nerdgasm.

    Here’s a headline for Greenwald:

    THE WATCHER IS NSA STOOGE

    “The Snowden documents have evidence that clearly proves the Watcher is collaborating with the NSA, and not only regularly reports to the agency everything done by everyone on Earth, he also reports everything anyone could possibly ever do in any alternate universe!

  • Daigoro Ogami

    I think the Daily Bugle’s J. Jonah Jameson would fit in perfectly at FOX.

    • Dave Geek

      He would just have to be trained to replace “Spider Man” with “Benghazi”.

    • http://rrlane.blogspot.com rrlane

      Not really. Time and again, Jonah has been shown that for all his faults, he’s not racist. That disqualifies him from FOX.

      • PaulJmsn

        Some where or other, in some Marvel Encyclopedia thingie, it was stated that J. Jonah refused to let the Daily Bugle get onto the anti-mutant bandwagon. And – beyond the anti-Spiderman blinders he wears, he has shown himself to be a responsible journalist. So you’re right, not FOX material.

        Love the Marvel geekery here.

    • chris ellis

      they just introduced him as a talk-show host!!

  • D_C_Wilson

    Listening to Fox carry on, you’d think those five Taliban prisoners Obama released were Doctor Doom, Green Goblin, Thanos, Magneto, and Galactus.

    • Arthur Adams

      Don’t be silly. The Green Goblin is Norman Osborn, a wealthy businessman. Fox would demand to know why Obama was persecuting him, along with that other job-creator Wilson Fisk, a humble importer of spices.

      • David L.

        Don’t forget Victor Von Doom, who’s the coolest thing for a right-winger: a monarch and an absolute dictator. How cool is that?

        • D_C_Wilson

          But you don’t want him riding shirtless on a horse.

          • Arthur Adams

            Forget shirtless. What if he takes off his mask?

          • JozefAL

            Actually, there’s been a lot of speculation what Doom looks like without the mask. I think John Byrne was responsible for suggesting that Doom was such a narcissist that his “hideously scarred visage” was nothing more than something akin to a slight blemish. Doom couldn’t accept that he might be anything less than perfect and that blemish led to him keeping his mask on permanently.

          • Arthur Adams

            Wasn’t Byrne’s idea was the initial scarring from the explosion left a small scar. He then became hideously scarred when he put on his newly forged mask without allowing it to cool first.

        • Arthur Adams

          “Sean, DOOM would like to thank you for allowing DOOM to be a guest on your program.”

          “Thank you, Victor. May I call you Victor?”

          “No, lackey. DOOM would like to let your American audience know that certain American leftists, like the absurdly self-named ‘Mister Fantastic’, are spreading lies when they claim that DOOM is a tyrannical dictator. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is true that DOOM has, at times, been forced to take strong measures when outside elements like the so-called ‘Fantastic Four’ have encouraged malcontents among DOOM’s subjects, but only to protect my subjects who remained loyal to DOOM.”

          “That’s outrageous. Why America allows the ‘Fantas’”

          “Do not interrupt DOOM again, peon. DOOM invites Americans to visit our Latverian landmarks, like Castle DOOM, the Citadel of DOOM, Death to Reed Richards Plaza, and Old DOOMstadt,”

          “That’s all the time we’ve got tonight. Be here tomorrow with our guest J. Jonah Jameson, who will explain the threat posed by…”

          “DOOM warned you, mortal. Boris, initiate plan DOOM-185.”

          (Five second later, fifteen DOOMbots crash into Hannity’s studio. The broadcast goes to static moments after.)

        • Peter James

          ….BUT….

          He’s also an Eastern European ruler of some (possibly) Commie basket-case nation and Stalinist regime.

          And you just know you can never trust those Europeans and their socialized medicine and their nanny states.

          And then there’s Magneto with his Jew-y past and Jew-y motivations.
          Can’t trust them Jew-y types.
          Case in point : that turncoat Cantor.

          Which brings us to Galactus…..
          Illegal alien and undocumented immigrant who eats everything on sight and just rapes the natural resources without paying taxes or contributing like the moocher he is..

          Need I say more?

      • Franklin Ramsey

        That is epic! Awesome response!

  • http://usrimfireshooters.wordpress.com/ RimfireShooter

    I don’t know about Marvel, but if it were the DC universe Fox would likely be demanding that Superman be deported since he’s an illegal undocumented alien without a work visa :)

    • D_C_Wilson

      Superman is an alien. So are Hawkman and Martian Manhunter. Wonder Woman is from Paradise Island. Aquaman is from Atlantis. Green Lantern works for aliens (and who elected them the “Guardians of the Universe” anyway?).

      Doesn’t sound much like a Justice League of America to me.

      Then again, Batman is part of the 1%.

      • Aaron Litz

        We still got Green Arrow, baby!

        • D_C_Wilson

          Dirty hippie liberal that he is.

          • Peter James

            But…..he’s a job creator (Queen Industries) and a 1%-er

            He’s their people.

            Admittedly he needs to work on his whole ‘Law and Order’ beliefs and his well-known aversion for ‘due process’, but hey,….the Right Wing has been known to accept a Libertarian or 2.

      • Arthur Adams

        There’s an Alan Moore Swamp Thing story. Swamp Thing has pretty much taken over Gotham City, and Batman is meeting with some city leaders to discuss what to do.

        One of the cops (I think) in the room makes a remark about Swamp Thing not being human, and says they ought to get all the non-humans off Earth.

        So Bats looks at him and starts the list: “Well, clearly the Martian Manhunter has to go. Hawkman and Hawkgirl need to get back to Thanagar. We’ll have to get rid of Metamorpho..” He continues on till he gets to he big one… “And then there’s what’s his name. You know… the one from Metropolis.”

        • Christopher Foxx

          Yeah. Moore writing DC superheroes was awesome.

      • JozefAL

        Actually, Aquaman is half-American (well, presuming his father was a natural-born American citizen) and he was raised by his father through at least his teenage years.

        Now, while he is “king” of Atlantis, it’s worth noting that the REAL-LIFE Princess Grace of Monaco retained her American citizenship even after becoming HSH Grace of Monaco. So, it’s entirely possible that Aquaman, even as King of Atlantis, has dual citizenship. The Constitution merely prohibits the US Government or any State government from granting a title of nobility. And, as the Constitution is worded, a PRIVATE citizen who doesn’t hold an elected office (such as, presumably, Arthur Curry) is NOT prohibited from accepting a title granted by a foreign ruler. Now if Arthur Curry were to run for a US elective office (presumably even as mundane as city school board member), he’d have to give up his title as King of Atlantis (though I’m not certain if he’d have to give up the title before the election or wait until after being elected).

    • Vanyel Harkema

      But Superman was adopted into the system as a baby…

      • Gilgamesh

        Anchor baby.

        • DennisMM

          No, because his alien parents were dead. He wasn’t protecting anyone’s claim to stay on Earth, much less in the USA.

      • Peter James

        So you’re for Amnesty?

        I knew it!!!!!!!!