F*ck You, Dick Cheney

The idea that Cheney is so lacking in self-awareness and so all-consumed by the gargantuan size of his own balls that he can type the words "rarely has a U.S. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many" without laughing himself into another heart attack practically defies credulity.
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The idea that Cheney is so lacking in self-awareness and so all-consumed by the gargantuan size of his own balls that he can type the words "rarely has a U.S. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many" without laughing himself into another heart attack practically defies credulity.
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You know, you really have to give credit to Bob Cesca, who somehow managed to write a thorough and detailed critique of Dick Cheney's mind-bogglingly audacious op-ed in yesterday's Wall Street Journal. As usual, Bob took the time to organize his thoughts and refute almost point by point why Cheney, along with his daughter Liz, is in absolutely no position to lecture the Obama administration on its handling of the current crisis in Iraq. If you haven't read the piece, I'd highly recommend it because it will, quite frankly, work as the superego to the all-out id that I'm about to unleash here. Bob read yesterday's Cheney op-ed and knew that he had to take it apart piece by piece; I read it and immediately wanted to begin throwing my living room furniture through a window.

Which is why all I'm really left with at this point is to say a hearty, "Fuck you, Dick Cheney."

The idea that Cheney is so lacking in self-awareness and so all-consumed by the gargantuan size of his own balls that he can type the words "rarely has a U.S. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many" without laughing himself into another heart attack practically defies credulity. This is the man, after all, who was instrumental in engineering the foreign policy disaster that was and continues to be the U.S. invasion of Iraq. It's staggering that it actually has to be said, but Cheney has exactly zero credibility on the matter, given that one of the most difficult tasks the Obama administration faced when it took over in 2008 was cleaning up the giant fucking mess Cheney, Bush and their cronies had made in what was a formerly stable nation.

It's incomprehensible that any news outlet, even one as conservative as the WSJ, would give someone like Cheney a platform from which to preach his entirely offensive, hawkish rhetoric, but for some reason Cheney's name still holds weight with a small sector of the public. It shouldn't. It shouldn't at all. The only words Dick Cheney should be saying publicly about the Iraq war he royally botched are the words he's allowed to say just before they put him up against a wall out behind the Hague. Thousands of Americans are dead because of him and those who listened to him; thousands more innocent Iraqis are dead as well. While Saddam Hussein was an avowed enemy of the United States, he was one who played by a predictable set of rules, and that made him surprisingly easy to understand. He was a despot; he wanted to stay in power. He wasn't driven by religious extremism or the whims of a stateless, faceless terroristic entity. He was a saber-rattling bully, but like most saber-rattling bullies he was interested in self-preservation above all. He was a bad guy, but a very traditional bad guy.

By contrast, the enemy Iraq is now morphing into is infinitely more dangerous to the West -- and it's only happened thanks to the vacuum of power that was left in the wake of the U.S.'s ill-advised ousting of Saddam Hussein. Despite the criticism of fools like Cheney, President Obama was left with little choice other than to pull our troops out of Iraq, both because of the dictates of the Bush-era Status of Forces Agreement and because it's what the American people wanted. Only those who screwed the Iraq pooch in the first place -- people like Cheney -- continue to operate under the faulty assumption that most Americans wanted war in perpetuity in Iraq. They didn't and they don't.

What Cheney is essentially saying to President Obama now is this: "You're not doing a good enough job of fixing what we broke." But when you're the one who fucked everything up, you do not get to offer any advice on how best to fix the situation. When you created the problem, you get no say in the solution and you damn sure don't get to stand on the sidelines and criticize those tasked with implementing it. You dropped the ball, you get to sit out the game. That's what Dick Cheney should be doing right now and only his own colossal arrogance is suggesting to him otherwise. But while Cheney will surely keep on talking, right up until he finally does us all a favor and keels over dead, it's our decision whether or not to give his words any authority whatsoever. And we absolutely should not. No one should.

So, again -- fuck you, Dick Cheney.