Step Right Up and Make Fun of Guy Fieri's F*cking Ridiculous New Las Vegas Menu

This is the most insane fucking thing you will read today. Can we please declare war on Flavortown?
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Chez Pazienza
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This is the most insane fucking thing you will read today. Can we please declare war on Flavortown?
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There are no words to appropriately describe Guy Fieri. This could be why every item on the menu at his new Las Vegas eatery -- we'll call it an eatery because "food abortion clinic" doesn't have the same ring to it -- keeps with the bold Fieri tradition of mangling not only different cuisines and styles of cooking but the English language itself. Because there's nothing Fieri can't defile. There's nothing sacred that he can't take his small frosted-and-spiky-pubed cock out and piss all over in the name of bringing brand-name douchery to the masses.

The man who, in the words of Anthony Bourdain, looks like Ed Hardy fucked a Juggalo is a stage-four cultural cancer America just can't seem to rid itself of. He's a work of inadvertent performance art so lacking in self-awareness that's it's simply impossible to parody him. Even the brilliant phony menu released in conjunction with the opening of his natural disaster of a Times Square restaurant two years ago doesn't come close to matching the sheer absurdity of what you're about to read.

Going back to Bourdain, he's said that his loathe for Fieri -- née Guy Ferry; never forget that -- stems from Fieri's offenses against food. He disrespects it and the various cultures it comes from. He abuses cuisine, haphazardly slamming disparate elements together like an artless all-American Dr. Moreau in Oakley shades. If there was a registry for culinary crimes like there is for sex offenders, this asshole would be driven out of every neighborhood in which he tried to set up shop.

Just look at this menu. The "food." The descriptions of the "food." It's overwhelming in its assault on every one of the senses.

Seriously, somebody has to stop this man before he kills again. Can we please declare war on Flavortown?

Shareables

Sashimi Won-Tacos $14

Everyone's fave 'cuz they're wicked tasty! Sashimi grade ahi & serious mango-jicama salsa are packed into wonton taco shells + drizzled with "wow-sabi" cream.

The Ultimate Asian Chicken Wraps $13

Guy gives you three ways to devour. Chinese minced chicken, Southeast Asian spring rolls, Thai style skewers + a variety of skewers let you create your custom starter.

Guy-talian Fondue Dippers $13

Pepperoni-wrapped breadstick twists served alongside our smoky provolone + sausage cheese dip, topped with fresh tomato bruschetta.

Los Nachos Del Jefe $14

The boss don't mess around...crispy corn tortilla chips are topped with corn tortilla chips topped with black beans, chorizo, cheddar + cotija cheeses, slivered red onions + jalapenos, built to make each nacho the perfect bite!

Righteous Rojo Rings $12

A little sweet, a little spicy, a whole lot of flavor! Guy's rojo dipping sauce takes these rings straight to the bank.

Guy's Fries

Triple T Fries $14

Truffle, truffle + more truffle! Julienned cut fries tossed with black truffle & truffle infused gouda, served with a creamy white truffle dip. Proof that you can't have too much of a good thing.

Vegas Fries $12

Order 'em in the city they were born! Sidewinder cut fries are tossed in spicy buffalo sauce, topped with blue cheese crumble+ served with Guy's blue-sabi sauce.

Greens & Chili Beans

Southern Smothered Chili Bowl $11

Our low and slow cooking style gives Guy's dragon breath chili vast dimensions of flavor. It's topped with sweet cornbread, sour cream & scallions.

Chicken Wonton Takeout Salad $14

This one-of-a-kind-salad has everything but the kitchen sink. Crisp Napa tips tossed with mixed greens, mandarins toasted cashews & the usual suspects, finished with ginger vinaigrette + skewered chicken wontons.

Morgan's Gnarly Greek Salad $13

Guy's take on the Greek salad will send you on a tour of the Mediterranean with its bold flavors, hearts of romaine, fresh veggies, hummus, feta, Parmesan croutons + tangy lemon vinaigrette. Toga not included.

The Guy-talian Deli Salad $16

We have built this salad in a crown of prosciutto-wrapped smoked provolone! Filled with crisp romaine lettuce, imported Italian meats & cheeses, pickled Italian veggies + tossed in a red wine vinaigrette.

Brutha's Badass Caesar Salad $15

Chopped romaine lettuce, croutons, lots of Parmesan cheese + Guy's favorite Caesar dressing are loaded into a crisp, garlicy mega-crouton.

Big Bite Burgers

Welcome to burger nirvana. All of our richly marbled 100% USDA choice ground beef is smash-grilled! Your taste buds will thank you.

The Off-Da-Hook Original Smash Burger $16

This burger is money! Crunchy righteous rojo rings, LTOP + the kicker- Guy's bourbon brown sugar BBQ sauce is sandwiched between a toasted brioche bun. It'll leave you in a food coma!

The Mayor of Flavortown Burger $17

The meat blanket of seasoned pastrami sends this burger outta bounds. Swiss, caraway seed slaw, dill pickles, onion straws, Dijon mustard + an "awesome pretzel bun" finish off this bad boy.

The Triple B Burger $16

Go big or go home! Kicked up with Creole blackened spice & topped with blue cheese, ancho bacon, LTOP + a generous smear of Guy's famous donkey sauce.

The Mac + Cheese Bacon Burger $17

The burger that crushed its competition in New York City's 2013 burger bash! Built with crispy applewood bacon, six-cheese mac, LTOP + more super-melty cheese between a garlicy toasted brioche bun.

Tatted-Up Turkey Burger $16

This burger is a work of art like Guy's tattoos. Smash-grilled with poblanos & pepper jack. Topped with gouda, ancho bacon, sweet pepper red onion jam, LTOP, donkey sauce + served on an "awesome pretzel" bun.

Ain't Nothing Butta Chicken Wing...

All our wings are trimmed into "lollipops" so they're super easy to eat, then we brine & roast each one before frying & tossing in one of our off-da-hook wing sauces.

Fireball Whiskey Wings $14

These wings are certainly not for the faint of heart & should probably be illegal. Classic buffalo sauce + fireball whiskey meet to ignite a flavor explosion of epic proportions. Try Guy's blue-sabi sauce to put out the fire!

Double Barrel BBQ Wings $14

Guy's signature bourbon brown sugar BBQ is bold & flavorful + we drench these wings in it!

The General's Wings $15

General Tso's done Guy style, so forget the chopsticks. We make these wings a flavorful phenomenon with a sweet + spicy sauce that will make your head spin!

Parmageddon Wings $13

Our breaded chicken parmesan wings + apocalyptic marinara. They might not end the world, but they'll end your hunger!

Old Skool Street Tacos

Love, peace & taco grease!

Drunken Fish Tacos $17

Lightly grilled chunks of tequila-citrus tilapia, avocado, fresh veggies + mojo de ajo. These tacos are a slam dunk!

Victor's Street Tacos $16

Street cart grilled chicken, onions & cilantro. We put zesty roasted-red salsa + guacamole on the side so you can make 'em on your own!

Carne Asada Street Tacos $16

Juicy, marinated skirt steak is the MVP of these tacos! Finished with onions, cilantro, generous sides of roasted red salsa + fresh pico de gallo.

Lava Rock Shrimp Tacos $17

Crispy fried shrimp, cabbage, pickled red onions, cilantro + topped with pink chili mayo for an added kick!

Knuckle Sandwiches

The Big Dipper Sandwich $17

The mack daddy of all roast beef sandwiches. House-smoked shaved prime-rib, pepper jack cheese, crispy onions + creamy horseradish on a toasted garlic torpedo roll. How can you resist?

The Motley Que Sandwich $17

Straight from Guy's BBQ krew. Pulled pork smothered in Guy's bourbon brown BBQ sauce, citrus slaw, pickle chips, aged cheddar + onion straws…stacked on an "awesome pretzel" bun.

'67 Cajun Sandwich $16

This one packs a punch! It's crammed with blackened chicken, Andouille sausage, cheddar cheese, the creole trinity + Louisiana hot sauce.

Pic-a-Nik Sandwich $16

Not your av-er-age turkey sandwich. Swiss cheese + citrus-cranberry relish, chillin' on an "awesome pretzel" hoagie smeared with Guy's famous donkey sauce.

Flavortown Finale

Guy's Cheesecake Challenge $12

A huge mountain of cheesecake topped with potato chips, pretzels + hot fudge.

Mexican Churros $10

Freshly fried churros with spicy chocolate + dulce de leche dips.

S'mores Monte Cristo $10

Brioche, graham cracker butter, marshmallow & chocolate with chocolate + raspberry dipping sauces.

Triple Doublemint Pie $11

Mint chocolate chip ice cream with oreo cookie crust + hot fudge.

Fried Ice cream Boulder Sundae $11

A build your own sundae brouhaha featuring a meringue wrapped fried ice cream + host of toppings.