Horribly Insecure Donald Trump Pretends He Might Buy the Buffalo Bills

Donald Trump says he's thinking about buying the Buffalo Bills, which means that Donald Trump will not be buying the Buffalo Bills -- at least not a notable stake anyway
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Donald Trump says he's thinking about buying the Buffalo Bills, which means that Donald Trump will not be buying the Buffalo Bills -- at least not a notable stake anyway
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Donald Trump says he's thinking about buying the Buffalo Bills, which means that Donald Trump will not be buying the Buffalo Bills -- at least not a notable stake anyway. Less than a week after longtime owner Ralph Wilson died, Trump told a Buffalo radio station, "I mean, the group of people called me -- would I be interested in investing, and I'll take a look at it. I mean, I look at a lot of things. I'll take a look at it."

By "take a look at it," Trump means, "use Wilson's death as an opportunity to put my name in the news by pretending to think about doing something I won't actually do because I'm complete chickenshit."

Of course, when it comes to pretending, Trump is a regular Mr. Rogers.

It was only a couple of weeks ago when Trump stopped pretending to think about running for governor of New York after unnamed Republicans supposedly asked him to:

While I won't be running for Governor of New York State, a race I would have won, I have much bigger plans in mind- stay tuned, will happen!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 14, 2014

"Governor of New York State." As opposed to Governor of New York City.

These "much bigger plans" exist only in Trump's mind, which I imagine is a hellish labyrinthine of neuroses that form the inferiority complex responsible for his buffoonish behavior, and thus, our pain. Trump's faux mulling of a gubernatorial run was ridiculous from the get-go, considering he made it contingent on running unopposed in the GOP primary.

I have clearly stated that if the New York State Republican Party is able to unify, I would run for Governor and win. They can't unify -SAD!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 14, 2014

Truth be told, Trump declining to run is a shame since one poll had Gov. Andrew Cuomo up on him by 37 points. Seeing Trump handle defeat would be a sight for the ages. I imagine his concession speech would involve either accusations of voter fraud against his opponent, or a wholesale denunciation of the voters who had just rejected him. Either way, it would certainly not serve as the impetus for the kind of introspection Trump so desperately needs to prevent him from further succumbing to delusions of grandeur. Trump's infamous profile in BuzzFeed bears this much out.

Then of course, there is his erstwhile flirtation with the presidency of the United States. Last election cycle we got the same bullshit we get just about every four years:

"Look, I have tens of thousands of people asking me to stay involved, asking me to run, frankly, for president...And if the Republicans pick, and I say respectfully, a weak candidate, or as we say in New York a stiff, if the Republicans pick somebody that's not a good candidate, I may very well run as an independent, and I think I would win."

The way Trump tells it, his thinking about running for president and governor, and also buying the Bills was prompted by people asking -- no, pleading -- with him to do it because he's so fantastic.

But for a guy always talking about how wonderful and successful he is, he sure has thin skin. In 1990, he unsuccessfully sued a brokerage firm whose analyst made unfavorable remarks about Trump's Taj Mahal casino, which ended up going bankrupt the following year. Eventually, the analyst sued Trump for defamation and eventually settled out of court. The Taj bankruptcy was the first of four filings for Trump's companies.

In 2009, Trump unsuccessfully suedNew York Times reporter Timothy O'Brien for defamation after O'Brien questioned the size of Trump's dick by suggesting he wasn't worth the $5 billion to $6 billion he claimed, but instead had a net worth between $150 million and $250 million. Last year, he sued Bill Maher because the latter said he’d donate $5 million to charity if Trump showed a birth certificate proving he’s not the “spawn of his mother having sex with orangutan.” Trump eventually withdrew it. And that same month, Trump threatened to sue a man simply because he called for a boycott of Macy’s because it sells Trump products.

This is the circus that is Trump, whose appetite for self-aggrandizement would give P.T. Barnum a run for his money. But fans of the Buffalo Bills should rest easy. While their team no doubt has a legacy of mediocrity and its fair share of problems, Donald Trump will not be one of them.