THE MORNING BANTER: Crimea Crisis, Proving the 5-Second Rule, Shark Attack on Video, and Maher vs. God

Another Monday is here, although this one's a little special because being that it's St. Patrick's Day it's technically okay to get drunk at work. Here are some morning headlines and assorted nonsense to pass the time until your five-beer lunch begins.
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Another Monday is here, although this one's a little special because being that it's St. Patrick's Day it's technically okay to get drunk at work. Here are some morning headlines and assorted nonsense to pass the time until your five-beer lunch begins.
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Another Monday is here, although this one's a little special because being that it's St. Patrick's Day it's technically okay to get drunk at work. Here are some morning headlines and assorted nonsense to pass the time until your five-beer lunch begins.

1. Crimea says it wants to be part of Russia. Because, of course it does. The U.S., meanwhile, says screw that.

USA Today: Obama to Putin: U.S. Will Never Recognize Crimea Vote

2. This makes me feel a lot better about all those times I dropped my daughter's cookie on the floor and gave it to her anyway.

Slate: Study: Five-Second Rule Is (Mostly) Legit

3. For God's sake, stay on land.

Digg: This Is What Being Attacked By A Shark Looks Like

4. And Friday night's Real Time featured one of Bill Maher's all-time most incisive attacks on religion. Put it this way: You want proof there's no God? Maher wasn't immediately struck by lightning in his chair.