Oliver Green is a modern life burnout/angeraholic living in Bali, Indonesia and writing about life instead of making things worse by having one.
Life and...D E A D
Don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon.
You’ll live your life the best way you can – like a sausage with some goggley eyes stuck to it and a speech bubble with a big exasperated question mark drawn onto it with crayon. Your experiment in free will will be a laughing stock and you will be hopelessly lost in the maze with a mouthful of the breadcrumbs you were supposed to leave to get you back out and home. Mmmm, breadcrumbs. Then you’ll die. Probably of cancer. Maybe something curable, probably something preventable. Definitely something lifestyle-related, and it’ll be over.
So some questions on the afterlife...
When people go to Heaven do they arrive how they look when they die?
This is important. Am I wearing the same thing I’m wearing when I die forever – or is it a white-on-white version of the thing I’m wearing now? I ask because at the moment I’m being a little ‘playful’ sartorially and I’m not sure some of the shit is timeless – and definitely not eternity timeless. Can I maybe swap and trade in heaven? Can I find a dude my size and then just share our clothing with him?
That’s being gay isn’t it?
That is the best thing about being gay, though – I JUST DOUBLED MY WARDROBE BITCHES! Could I take this a step further and make a clothing swap co-op? I could revolutionize the fashion game in Heaven, and they’ll probably feature me on CLOUDZ the fashion magazine up there. Maybe.
If I die old do I arrive old?
Do I stay being old and looking like a scrotum with eyeglasses or can I choose to be me any stage of my life?
And if that's the case, can I choose to mix me up and Frankenstein me from my entire life – like a greatest hits of me? Is there a room where all the parts of me are laid out and I can choose them all then they get assembled in the ASSEMBLTRON 2000 in space and then I walk out with a teenager's stiffy, bed hair, a 20-year old face, a body before all these stupid tattoos that make me look like a pad someone left next to a telephone, and maybe some 17-year old hands that don’t look like gloves made from Madonna's hands.
If I am a Jihadist suicide bomber that blew myself up do I arrive looking like a butchers shop window and do I have to wheel myself around in a wheel-barrow? Is that what my 40 virgins do – each carry a piece of me?
Are there a whole lot of babies in heaven that need looking after? Is that why the religious right is so anti abortion? Because they don’t want to get to heaven only to find they have to look after a bunch of fetuses jettisoned from women of ‘questionable moral standing’? Maybe we can get the teen suicide victims to do that job for some extra pocket money. Or are the babies all adult acting and sucking boobs not because they’re hungry but because it’s sexy. And is it pedophilia if the kid makes the first move?
Can people really ‘look down’ from Heaven?
Or is like they’ve graduated from Earth and this mortal coil and they’re too cool now. “Oh yeah – sorry I didn’t get back to you – you know… I’ve been all busy with Things.” And when you go to Heaven to join them it’s fucking awkward because they’ve been ignoring you and not doing as much ‘looking down’ as they should and you’re all, “What about that thing with the gas tank?" and they have to act like they know about it like, “Oh that! That was crazy, right?” and you both know it’s bullshit, and then God says “Awkwaaaard!” and fist bumps with St. Peter and they both disappear to play petanque and drink wine out of jam jars.
Or are they constantly ‘looking down’?
Are we this awesome boxset of comedy and porn and some deeply sad bits but mostly comedy porn and violence? And do they say, “Oh my god! Did you guys watch North Korea last night – Cr-A-zy!” or snigger when I close my eyes a little too long when I’m using a bidet?
Anyways, at present, you can see the afterlife doesn’t feel that ‘rounded’. It’s like a resort and you go to the website and there’s only 7 pictures.
So stay alive and definitely try not to kill yourself until I get to the bottom of this shit.