Last month, I debuted a new recurring segment, unofficially officially called Bryce Breaks It Down, in which I take longer pieces from the internet that you don't have time to read/watch, and I give you the highlights. In the inaugural post, I took on Malcolm Gladwell and Bill Simmons’ epic email exchange, but today we’re going to get chummy with two of the most influential comedians out there: Louis CK and Jerry Seinfeld.
Louie was recently a guest on Jerry’s enjoyable web-series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and while Seinfeld usually picks up the guest comedian in a vintage car and takes them out to have coffee, on this special episode, the two drove to Louis’ 25-foot boat and cruised the Hudson over cappuccinos.
Here are some of the best nuggets from that three-hour tour (that three-hour tour…):
Seinfeld: “This car is like a puppy that sticks its nose under your hand because it wants to be petted. Hitler would love this car.”
The 1959 Fiat Jolly that they use in this episode is one of the most ridiculous looking, most unsafe cars of all time. But it’s just so cute...
Seinfeld: “How long do you think you’ll do your show?”
Louis CK: “I’d say 7 or 8 tops.”
I can’t tell you how happy I am to know that Louie has an end-goal in mind. If Breaking Bad taught us anything, it’s that having a finish line in place helps the entire story fit that timeframe. I understand that networks want to eek out an extra $eason or two when it comes to their hit shows, but usually that’s at the detriment of the content (see: Lost, Friends, The Sopranos). As George Costanza taught us, always go out on a high note.
Seinfeld: "Your show can grow with you. My show was about 4 single people living this one certain lifestyle. We didn’t want to do Kramer’s 50th birthday.”
I would do anything to see what Kramer’s 50th birthday would be like. I’m assuming it would be like this, only creepier and slightly racist:
Seinfeld: “I like the story of Chris Rock going on SNL and telling Lorne ‘I want to keep my mustache and goatee,’ and Lorne said to him, ‘In comedy, we put on beards.’”
This anecdote isn’t worth more than a chuckle, but I am endlessly fascinated by Lorne Michaels.
Louis CK: “Larry [David] played golf with the president.”
Seinfeld: "Here’s how my relationship works with Larry David. We were on the phone for a half hour two days ago, and it didn’t come up.”
If there is a God, Larry David and Obama will play golf together on an episode of next season’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry could go off on a rant about how Zero Dark Thirty was an overrated propaganda film or get caught asking Michelle a creepy question about her workout regimen. The possibilities are endless; someone make this happen.
Seinfeld: “You’re having a blast now.”
Louis CK: “Very happy.”
Louis CK: “Because I didn’t used to be able to do this. But it’s amazing to me that you can just take a boat, and over time figure out all the shit. The more things you can do…you can go anywhere. I love that.”
Despite his material’s darker subject matter, Louis CK is actually a humanist. If you’ve seen the last 3 episodes of the most recent season of Louie (which, put together, make one of the best movies you’ll ever see), you know that for him, self-betterment is the quickest path to true joy. Good life lesson there.
Louis CK: “You shouldn’t buy a yacht unless you can afford 10 yachts.”
Some financial advice from the guy who once bought a BMW on a credit card when he had literally no money.
On Going To The Movies Stoned:
Louis CK: “I go to the 3D IMAX movies stoned...
First, I buy the ticket online, I print it out, and I put it in the same pocket every time so I’m not doing the ‘stoned guy can’t find his thing’. This pocket has no other function; it’s got that ticket in it. I get some candy bars and treats, like an ice cream bar is good. You put that in one pocket, maybe a Mounds bar or Snickers.
I get Uber to come get me. I like to lower the window halfway and just look at people on the streets of Manhattan. When you’re stoned, that’s an amazing thing to look at. People carrying their bags of stuff and just seeing them and going, ‘We’re just worms carrying our worm meal.’
And then I go in and give the lady my paper ticket and I put on the crazy glasses and I sit. The great thing is that they show trailers in regular size and you get lost in that and then when it’s time for the movie, that screeng grows and they have this 3d imax countdown and the numbers come ant you and envelop you and it’s all blue and crystal and it dries me crazy. It’s my favorite thing in life. It’s like sex, comedy when it’s good, the blue numbers. And sex is starting to come down."
Hello dream best friend date.
Seinfeld: “Do you know the first thing I ever said as a child, before ‘Mama’ or “Dada,’ I said, ‘Leave me alone.’ Isn’t that the mantra of stand-up comedy?”
It’s funny to hear the ever-smiling Seinfeld own up to one of the darker stereotypes of stand-up comedians. Maybe we can reboot Seinfeld as Jerry and have him examine the intimate psychological torture that comes from not being master of one’s domain?
On Appreciating It All:
Seinfeld: “You can miss anything in life, Louie.”
Louis CK: "Yeah you can, even if it’s bad. I had that thought this morning because my oldest is going to middle school. It’s a real schlepp now, the morning. And I thought, ‘This is going to be a tough winter.’ Then my second thought was, ‘I’m going to miss this. There’s going to be a day when I’m not going to do this again.’"
A pretty nice zen thought to leave you feeling appreciative about life, right?
Plus, I can only imagine what Louie’s stand-up is going to be like as his daughters reach the dreaded teenage years. I haven’t been this excited to see girls mature since the Olsen twins.