Why Santa CAN’T Be White

Last night, Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told “all the kids watching at home” that “Santa just is white,” when discussing an article by Slate’s Aisha Harris that calls for Santa to not be depicted as a white man anymore.

“Just because it makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it should change,” she declared.

But what if Santa was never white to begin with?

I’ve thought about it, and there’s just no way Santa can be white. And I can prove it.

I’ll give you that Santa is fat, wears Uggs, enjoys the cold, and uses undocumented migrant labor to do most of his work, which all might suggest that he’s white, but let’s look at the facts.
 

SANTA IS FAST
Santa makes it around the entire world in one night. That takes some serious speed, and let’s face it, white people just aren’t fast. Here’s a video from the 100 meter dash event at the 2012 Olympics. Note how fast Usain Bolt is and how slow the zero white people that qualified for this race are.
 

ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IN SANTA GETS A PRESENT
The reason Santa has to make it around the whole world in one night is because anyone, as long as they’ve been nice and they believe in him, will receive a present from Santa. That means children in Iraq, Syria, Pakistan, and even North Korea are getting gifts.

White people only give to others when celebrities go on TV and tell them to, and even then it’s only because they feel guilty.
 

THE MILK AND COOKIES
Santa’s favorite snack is milk and cookies. 90% of white people are either lactose intolerant or allergic to gluten.
 

THE NAUGHTY AND NICE LIST
Santa has a very definitive line. You are either naughty, or you are nice. Fancy lawyers, sympathetic juries, and Stand Your Ground laws have no power when it comes to this list. That’s a huge disadvantage to white people.
 

SANTA WEARS THE SAME CLOTHES EVERY YEAR
White people love talking about what’s “in this season.” They get all giddy when discussing the newest fashion trends, whether it be “tartan” or “super cute hats.” It’s an excuse for them to spend their money on shit they don’t need that further amplifies their whiteness.

And while white people are embarrassed if someone has seen them wear the same pair of shoes more than once, Santa, on the other has found an outfit he likes and screw everyone else. He’s going to wear it until there’s a hole in the crotch and even then he’s going to rock them until Mrs. Clause tells him he has to go shopping.  
 

SANTA IS STEALTH
Santa is able to get down the chimney, put the presents under the tree, fill the stockings, and enjoy a light snack without waking anyone up. This takes stealth and grace, neither of which are traits that white people pride themselves on. I mean, just watch them dance. A white Santa would be knocking shit over left and right.
 

SANTA IS THE BEST
White people are the worst.
 

I think we can all agree that there is just no way Santa is white.

Sorry Megyn Kelly, but in the words of Johnny from Angels with Dirty Faces
Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.

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  • Desarosa King

    Simply beautiful, Bryce!! You’ve done it again!!

  • Badgerite

    How about Santa ( and let us keep in mind we are talking about a mythological creation not an actual person as St. Nick the real person did not fly around the world in a sleigh pulled by reindeer or reside at the North Pole and was absolutely not eternal and did not really know it you were naughty or nice and probably had to ask your parents and will not answer your letters or deliver the presents you ask for) is whatever color of the particular person who is at that moment believing in him wants him to be. He’s flexible. I think it is that magical powers in the Santa suit.

  • Won Word

    A friend’s white girlfriend told me that we blacks can run faster than whites because we (and I quote) “have an extra leg muscle.”

    It seems so obvious now.

    • Lady Willpower

      But we can’t play hockey because of weak ankles. Jimmy the Greek covered this stuff like 25 years ago.

  • MCtubesock

    Anyone that sneaks into my house in the middle of the night is getting shot. If it’s Santa and he IS black, at least I won’t have to face criminal charges.

  • Jason E

    Breaking News: Black Santa boycotts states with “Stand your ground” laws, for fear of being shot while coming down the chimney. NRA responds with statement that there is no such thing as Santa. Megyn Kelly responds by running off set in tears.

    • nerdnam

      Fox News camera follows Megyn Kelly’s legs closely as she runs off set…

  • Jason E

    Yeah well the Easter bunny is LGBT and the Tooth fairy snoods glue and will knock up your daughters

    • Jason E

      Make that sniffs glue

      • PaulJmsn

        I dunno, I kind of like the “snoods” thing.

    • JozefAL

      The Easter bunny is NOT LGBT. He’s Australian. And sounds a hell of a lot like Hugh Jackman.

      • Won Word

        If he’s Australian, then he’s LGBTQAPT, obviously.

  • Joey Bagadonuts

    Mandy, Mandy, Mandy. She’s an ANGRY elf…

  • Patrick Gardner

    LMAO at the milk and cookies. If Santa were white, we’d leave out coconut water and a slice of quiche

    • Won Word

      Scones!

    • Ronnie Phantom

      warm croissant.

  • Tim V Johnson

    HAHAHAHAHA! Beautiful!

  • Mandy Gagliardi

    This is the stupidest most idiotic drivel I have ever had to read.

    • Bryce Taylor Rudow

      Stop race baiting.

    • Tim V Johnson

      It’s satire. The ridiculousness IS THE POINT, dumbass…

      • Mandy Gagliardi

        Oh aren’t you a big strong man calling people names behind a computer screen. Satire or NOT the article is idiotic. It perpetuates hate and idiocy and to top it off it is poorly written.

        • Bryce Taylor Rudow

          I bet Mandy’s white.

          • Mandy Gagliardi

            Wow…you must be brilliant (or not a complete idiot that can look at pictures). Regardless of your intellect there is one thing clear. You are a troll. Good Day :D Glad this is not a rag I normally read.

          • Ronnie Phantom

            Oh Mandy, you SLEIGH me!

          • Mandy Gagliardi

            OMG Ronnie. Thank you that actually made me laugh out loud!

          • Jeff Kramer

            LOL

          • Lady Willpower

            The person who writes the article can’t be a troll.
            The person who reads the article and doesn’t get that it’s tongue-in-cheek, then proceeds to lose their shit? Very possibly a troll.

          • Fiona Vandale

            And spends most of her day sanding that pale, pale skin so it’s nice and thin.

          • Jeff Kramer

            I bet Many lost her funny gene….but you have to have intelligence to understand humor or satire.

        • Benthedailybanter

          That’s sort of what we do here at the Banter – perpetuate hate and idiocy. A lot more fun than reporting on complicated topics like the economy.

        • Joey Bagadonuts

          Mandy’s getting coal from Hispanic Santa this year

          • Mandy Gagliardi

            Damn it he usually brings tequila…oh well I will wait for Irish Santa to bring me Whiskey…he likes naughty.

    • Sharon Schroeder

      Lighten up Mandy. Its called humour. One more reason Santa can’t be white… he can laugh at himself.

      • Mandy Gagliardi

        I guess some people do find drivel humorous. I personally prefer something that makes my brain actually work.

        • Kristi Baez

          You have a brain?

          • Mandy Gagliardi

            Well YOU obviously do with that witty comeback. Slow down killer I can smell the smoke from your brain in over drive with how hard it was to come back with THAT one! Good job there ;)