The Good Advice That You Just Didn't Take

We here at The Daily Banter recently brought on Kelly MacLean, whom you might know from her guide on Surviving Whole Foods. She’s ready to help you survive not just boutique douchey grocery stores, but the complexities of everyday life in a new feature on the site…
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We here at The Daily Banter recently brought on Kelly MacLean, whom you might know from her guide on Surviving Whole Foods. She’s ready to help you survive not just boutique douchey grocery stores, but the complexities of everyday life in a new feature on the site…
Kelly-Maclean-image1-450x300

Life is full of tough decisions.

Fortunately, we here at The Daily Banter recently brought on Kelly MacLean, whom you might know from her guide on Surviving Whole Foods. She’s ready to help you survive not just boutique douchey grocery stores, but the complexities of everyday life in a new feature on the site…

THE GOOD ADVICE THAT YOU JUST DIDN'T TAKE

(shout out to all the fellow Alanis Morissette fans...)

Send Kelly all your questions about life, love, and everything in between and she’ll not only tell you what you should do, but carefully lay out what will happen when you inevitably don’t listen to her  and ignore good advice that you just didn’t take.

"The guy I'm dating is really into sending dirty text messages. The other night we 'sexted' for two hours. I felt kind of shy and uncomfortable but was also turned on...do you have any tips for sexy texts?"

THE GOOD ADVICE THAT YOU JUST DIDN'T TAKE:

When it comes to sexty-time you have to be bold but coy, forward but elusive, graphic but not terrifyingly lecherous. Here are some tips:

-Match his tone. If he's being graphic (and you like it) don't shy away. If he's being innocently amorous and romantic, don't send him a close up of your cooch.

-Tell him that you're wearing nothing but a nighty...even though you're in a flannel onesie.

-Plagiarize some choice Fifty Shades of Grey lines but change a few words; its fun because you'll feel like you're in high school again and just reading about Christian and Ana will get you in the mood.

-If you really wanna get him going, sext him randomly throughout the day with tales of what you'd like to do to him; add the hashtag #SexualNonSequitur. Don't worry, it won't actually show up on a twitter feed...if it did, I'd have been fired by now (just kidding I don't have a job.)

-Double-check your spelling. Nothing wilts a woody like texting "I wanna put my lady farts on your face." ..."*Parts."

-Flatter him. Tell him what parts of his body you can't resist and why...or lie. Lying may be hotter than the truth depending on the size and scope of his beer belly.

WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DO:

But let's face it. You're probably going to disregard these brilliant tips entirely. When he texts you you're going to get really uncomfortable, send him something awkward like "I wanna didldle with your dangle"; panic, and accidentally hit send on that weird picture of your boobs you took.

"The guy I’m dating told me he needed space. I want to respect this but I feel that what we really need is quality time together. I have tickets to a great theatre show this weekend (he’s not that into opera but it’s a special show and I have great seats) should I invite him?!"

THE GOOD ADVICE THAT YOU JUST DIDN'T TAKE:

Hmmmmm…let me think about it…NO WAY! I’m pretty sure that him asking for space wasn’t an expression of his secret desire to go to the opera. For the record, no one is ‘not that into opera’; like kombucha, opera isn’t something people have muted feelings about. They either love it in an obsessive kind of way or they get nauseous at the mere mention of it. I vote you give him plenty of space (i.e. Don’t hit send on that text you’ve been rewriting him for the last hour) and when an ample amount of time has passed reach out to him in a light, flirtatious way.  Keep it fun! When you do invite him out next, make sure it’s something that he likes to do. Use a sense of humor in your communications so that it doesn’t seem like you’re taking the whole thing too seriously. No matter how lovely you are, if he gets the feeling that you’re already picking out wedding colors, he’ll freak. Keep him guessing, and maintain a playful, sexy tone—you’ll both enjoy yourselves a lot more and your best qualities will surely shine.

WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DO:

But in reality, you're probably not going to be able to resist inviting him to the opera. He'll say ‘no’ because he hates opera even more than he hates needy girlfriends. You'll end up drinking your troubles away at La Boheme and making out with the pimply usher.