Quote of the Day: Andrea Peyser Is 50 Shades of Crazy

As the New York Post's resident pissy attack dog, Peyser has made a name for herself being a reliable barker of prudish Upper East Side rants against sex, lewdness and general fun for years now. She's the exaggeratedly tyrannical schoolmarm in every kid empowerment movie come to life -- the imperious authoritarian who eventually gets her come-uppance from the boys and girls she's dedicated her life to torturing. And her column about "Selfie-gate" sincerely has to be read to be believed.
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As the New York Post's resident pissy attack dog, Peyser has made a name for herself being a reliable barker of prudish Upper East Side rants against sex, lewdness and general fun for years now. She's the exaggeratedly tyrannical schoolmarm in every kid empowerment movie come to life -- the imperious authoritarian who eventually gets her come-uppance from the boys and girls she's dedicated her life to torturing. And her column about "Selfie-gate" sincerely has to be read to be believed.
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"In front of 91 world leaders, the mourning nation of South Africa and Obama’s clearly furious wife, Michelle, the president flirted, giggled, whispered like a recalcitrant child and made a damn fool of himself at first sight of Denmark’s voluptuously curvy and married prime minister, Helle Thorning-Schmidt.

Not to be outdone by the president’s bad behavior, the Danish hellcat hiked up her skirt to expose long Scandinavian legs covered by nothing more substantial than sheer black stockings.

With Michelle glowering, the world judging and mental fidelity floating into the abyss, the president leaned into the air space of the cross-legged Danish cupcake, who is known in Copenhagen as a fan of America’s randy TV show 'Sex and the City.' It was the memorial equivalent of a bodice-ripper."

-- The New York Post's Andrea Peyser in an op-ed today titled "Flirty Obama Owes Us an Apology"

Andrea Peyser is a bitter, humorless old hag. Now before anybody jumps down my throat you should know that it takes a lot for me to use that kind of language. It's not every day I call someone humorless.

As the New York Post's resident pissy attack dog, Peyser has made a name for herself being a reliable barker of prudish Upper East Side rants against sex, lewdness and general fun for years now. She's the exaggeratedly tyrannical schoolmarm in every kid empowerment movie come to life -- the imperious authoritarian who eventually gets her come-uppance from the boys and girls she's dedicated her life to torturing. Her icy, contemptuous stare could make my vagina dry up at 100 yards and I don't even have a vagina.

But what we never knew about Peyser is that she can seriously give EL James a run for her money in the "undersexed housewife" lit market. Really, you have to read her entire piece in today's Post; it practically sweats and bleeds repressed sexual desire through every seemingly disgusted, but in reality totally aroused, word.

I mean, at first glance it may seem like Peyser is just playing up the dirty dog black man and hot blonde temptress stereotypes with two of the leaders of the free world. But look closer. Pore lovingly over the almost comically florid language in lines like, "Thorning-Schmidt placed her hands dangerously close to Obama’s side. The president’s cackling head moved inches from the Danish tart’s and yards away from his wife’s. Obama then proceeded to absorb body heat from the Dane, which he won’t be feeling at home for a long time... It was unseemly."

Unseemly -- and so achingly good.

Maybe I owe Andrea Peyser an apology. Maybe all this time she's simply been crying out for help. The signs were always there, spelled out right in front of us in black and white, and we were just too callow to notice. This isn't a miserable, acidulous old reactionary who spews judgmental venom at anyone whose lifestyle and behavior don't meet her exacting, antiquated standards -- this is a flesh and blood woman, begging to be loved. You can hear it -- feel it -- in every insult she projects, every word she types.

Especially those she types with one hand.