The New Porn Site that Wants to Wreck Your Relationship

Virginia Pelley test drives the site that is supposedly revolutionizing the way we consume pornography online. Is 'PornIq' really the next big thing, or it it just another content aggregator with fancy graphics?
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Virginia Pelley test drives the site that is supposedly revolutionizing the way we consume pornography online. Is 'PornIq' really the next big thing, or it it just another content aggregator with fancy graphics?
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Porniq.com: Not the revolutionary site it claims to be.

In a recent blog for The Telegraph, Mic Wright wrote that new porn site Porniq.com will revolutionize your jack-off experience, delivering “super-curated,” porn scenes tailored to your specific tastes at the touch of a big, black button. (Or three of them. The buttons are reminiscent of the scene in Idiocracy when Joe visits the hospital and the counter girl tries to diagnose him via pictures on buttons.) This site will prove so addictive, Wright enthused, that it will “ruin relationships.”

Which might sound horrifying to you or super-exciting, but no matter, because he's totally full of shit and so is this site.

The hook of Porniq is that it works sort of like OkCupid is supposed to; once it gets a feel for your predilections, it'll get better at offering what will appeal most to you. And you can tell Porniq how much time you have to spare, such as under 5 minutes, 10-15 minutes, etc. (Don't people want to get off as quickly as possible though, and if you're not into the scene it won't matter how much time you entered because you're going to have to keep clicking around for something better?). Whatever.

So anyway, on my first visit to this online McDonald's of masturbation, I was asked to choose from three genres that I assume are very popular since it was Porniq's first guess of what I was looking for: interracial gangbang, creampie gangbang (which judging from the tiny preview photos was also evidently interracial) and “German Goo Girls.”

I went with the natural choice – German Goo Girls – and in seconds I was watching a dead-eyed, dark-haired girl twirling around on her knees to suck like four different cocks. I'm not sure why pointing out that they're German is supposed to be extra-enticing since all the goo girls appear to do is emit the international language of grunting. She only gagged a couple times when jizz shot down her throat but to her credit, German trooper that she was, she didn't retch on camera.

The design of the site is odd and it links to content on other sites, leaving only a Porniq bar at the top that looks like an ad. I clicked on the Porniq “forward” arrow after checking out some girl-on-girl action and inexplicably, it spit out a girl-on-girl foot fetish video. Clicking on anything else on the busy page will make that site's content pop-up ads open.

I started over at the Porniq home page a couple a few times and instead of getting more “curated,” my genre box choices just got more bizarre. After watching some girl-on-girl scenes that were edited down too much, I was offered “hentai hotties,” “chocolate [?]” and “Halloween.” Clicking on Halloween gives you more narrow choices such as vampires, goths, dead people or some such shit. I got more and better results typing “vampire” into the search box at redtube.com, and in about 2 seconds. And you can see user ratings on youporn.com and redtube.com before you click on them, unlike on porniq.

And as for the “genre” names, how am I supposed to judge from a phrase on a button whether I'd prefer “super sex” or “fantasy fuck”? What if I hate the costumes in fantasy fuck and super sex is hotter? Several seconds wasted clicking back in which I could be masturbating! Also, retro stuff, big name porn stars and amateur stuff is all thrown together despite the claim that Porniq can give specialized results.

In addition to the bullshit aspect of the expedience of Porniq, another major drawback, a friend of mine who was kind enough to check it out with me, pointed out, is that there's no mobile version.

I think the only way Porniq might ruin relationships is if people become so frustrated trying to use this site to get off that they get snippy with their IRL partners. But if you want to check out a new porn hub, be my guest. But be warned that it's just another content aggregator, and a sort of annoying one at that.

And thus concludes the dumbest blog I've ever written. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to visit Lumberjack Erotica to cleanse my palate.