The Monday Morning Banter: Salon Stupidity, Geraldo's Ego, the Royal Spawn, and the Age of Ultron

Happy Monday, all. Here's what you may as well read rather than getting back to work.
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Happy Monday, all. Here's what you may as well read rather than getting back to work.
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Happy Monday, all. Here's what you may as well read rather than getting back to work.

1. Anger Management

I may as well go ahead and admit that there's a part of me that just can't quit Salon. No, I don't read every article, because there are certain writers to whom I truly don't want to give even a single page-view, but Salon as a whole has become for me what Friedman is for Matt Taibbi: an unhealthy obsession that no matter how much I want to, I simply can't look away from. It's what The Family Circus was for Timothy Olyphant's misanthropic drug-dealer character in the movie Go: something that seems to silently call out to me even though I know it'll just make me angry; something that's always there, just waiting to suck.

Even a quick once-over of the headlines yesterday let you know that Salon was still comfortable reigning as the internet's premier destination for comically over-the-top outrage porn -- the kind of thing aimed at stroking the already gargantuan egos of the pseudo-intellectual utopian liberal set while stoking the fires of rage of anyone left-of-center who appreciates ideas like pragmatism, picking your battles wisely, and not being an insufferably humorless asshole who nobody worth a crap ever wants to be around.

In a period of 24-hours you had: "New Atheism: Where Are the Women?," "'Free Willy' for Real: Sea World Has Got To Go," "Why Are Women Deserting Newspapers?" (with the sub-header, "Could it be that women don't care what straight, white, rich, middle-age men who run corporate papers deem newsworthy?") There were also a couple of hold-over columns whose premises were so fucking dumb as to be laugh-out-loud funny: "'Grand Theft Auto' Maker: Video Games Hate Liberals," written by a guy whose only real posted credit is that he's a writer who "lives in upstate New York" and who admits he's not really a big gamer (or much of a thinker for that matter when you consider how viciously Rockstar Games skewered and satirized conservative anti-terror paranoia in Grand Theft Auto IV), and "'The Conjuring': Right-Wing, Woman-Hating and Really Scary." And that doesn't even count the ongoing fallout from Rich Benjamin's idiotically incendiary column from Friday which called Eric Holder President Obama's "inner nigger."

Oh yeah, and for dessert there the latest Tracy Clark-Flory first-person navel-gaze to mine all the sex she's had in New York City (she once labeled herself "the hookup queen") in the name of cheap click-bait. This time, though, it's all about how weird it is to be, you know, settling down and stuff.

Really, the most hilarious of these columns is the "Grand Theft Auto" one, only because its premise is so outrageous that it really does go above and beyond in an attempt to elicit indignation from the left. Couple that with a misleading headline, one that seems to say that Rockstar Games actually admits to being anti-liberal, and the fact that it's written by a nobody who just happens to share Salon's strident politics along with its outsize sense of outrage, and you've got an instant classic.

Salon: 'Grand Theft Auto' Maker: Video Games Hate Liberals/7.21.13

2. 70 Is the New Asshole

Chances are by now you've seen this and are stumbling around your home running into things shouting, "My eyes! My eyes!" but in case you haven't, allow me to ruin your morning. Here's more of Geraldo Rivera than you ever expected or wanted to see. Look, he's an obscenely self-obsessed dipshit, no doubt, but lob off the head, with those silly pink glasses and that porn 'stache, and you've gotta admit he looks pretty good for a guy his age. I'm almost 30 years younger than him and I'm nowhere near as in shape. He should start his own exercise fad. Call it "Douchercize" or something.

The Huffington Post: Geraldo Rivera Tweets Shirtless Photo/7.21.13

3. The Royal Labor Pain

By the time you read this there may very well be a new royal for us to make fun of as generations of inbreeding are about to once again bear fruit.

The Daily Beast: Kate Middleton in Labor/7.22.13

4. Hero Worship

Finally, ICYMI, the two biggest announcements to come out of Comic-Con, the Sundance of geek-dom, were that the Man of Steel sequel will pit Superman against Batman, and that the sequel to The Avengers will be The Avengers: Age of Ultron, which sounds at least a little more inspired than the original title, The Avengers: Joss Whedon Could Take a Shit for Two Hours and We'd Watch It.

Slashfilm: Avengers Revealed/7.21.13

The New York Daily News: Batman and Superman To Do Battle/7.20.13

Have a good one, kids.