Translating the Westboro Baptist Church Statement on Roger Ebert's Funeral

The lovely people at Westboro Baptist Church proposed the picketing of recently deceased film critic Roger Ebert's funeral. We translate their statement to the doomed people of America.
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Ben Cohen
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The lovely people at Westboro Baptist Church proposed the picketing of recently deceased film critic Roger Ebert's funeral. We translate their statement to the doomed people of America.

The lovely people at Westboro Baptist Church released the following statement regarding their proposed picketing of recently deceased film critic Roger Ebert's funeral. It is unclear whether they did in fact show up to the funeral yesterday, but they clearly hoped to. There's a lot to be taken from the statement (something about hating gays?), so we figured it's probably worth having a closer look.

Here's what we deduced from their press release:

GOD HATES FAG ENABLER ROGER EBERT!

Translation: We don't like gay people!

LORD WILLING, WBC TO PICKET IN LAWFUL PROXIMITY TO THE FUNERAL OF F-G ENABLER ROGER EBERT AT “PREISTS RAPE BOYS” HOLY NAME CATHEDRAL (730 N. STATE STREET, CHICAGO, IL), MONDAY, APRIL 8, FROM 9:15-10:00 AM

Translation: We're running out of funds (we wonder why?), but hope the greyhound gets us from Kansas to Chicago in time!

For 22 years Westboro has warned the people of Topeka, Kansas & America that the policies of sin of this land have brought the wrath of God upon you, your houses, your city, your state, & your nation.

Translation: God isn't really that angry, but we are, and the louder we shout, the more everyone seems to ignore us...LISTEN TO US GODDAMMIT!!! WE HATE GAYS!!!!

American entertainment industry publicity leech Roger Ebert took to Twitterverse to mock the faithful servants of God at Westboro Baptist Church, just days before he received the horrifying summons: “Thou fool, this night thy soul shall be required of thee: [now] whose shall [that silly vanity called a Pulitzer Prize] be, which thou has provided?" (Luke 12:20)

Translation: Roger Ebert made fun of us on twitter [insert meaningless biblical quote].

This fool sold his soul for some fame & fortune, forgetting that God has made a simple declaration regarding His people: “Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm.” (Psalms 105:15).

Translation: This quote has nothing to do with Roger Ebert's salary, but it has to do with not touching stuff. And gays touch a lot, and we hate gays! 

Now the famed critic is in a new jurisdiction, where he can see the blessings poured out on God's humble servants in heaven, from his seat of eternal torment & sorrow in Hell!

Translation: Doesn't everything sounds a lot more scary when we use words like 'jurisdiction' and 'eternal torment'?

It's too late for the fool Roger Ebert! WBC will continue to bind those who still live in Doomed america to God's eternal laws & Word, so you, like Roger, are without excuse!

Translation: We're not sure exactly what the point of our existence is, so we 'bind' people to God's word by shouting about gays a lot.