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What If Oprah Interviewed Batman/Bruce Wayne?

By · January 18,2013
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Last night as my Twitter feed was filled with snark about the Oprah-Lance Armstrong interview, I wondered – because i worry about such things – what it would be like Oprah, the queen of the confessional, interviewed Bruce Wayne/Batman.

A little like this, I hope:


Oprah + Batman

Storified by Oliver Willis· Thu, Jan 17 2013 23:05:55

"it’s true, oprah, i am batman" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"i just like to dress up in a rubber suit and fight crime. im sick, oprah." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"this playboy thing is just a facade. i dont even know what wine tastes like." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"alfred and i work on our relationship one day at a time. one. day. at. a. time." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"did i endanger robin? sure. but i’d do it again." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"no i can’t solve the riddler’s damn riddles. i use google. there, i said it." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"the one secret ive never told anyone? i admire the joker’s fashion sense. i wish i could pull off purple, oprah." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"yes, wayne manor is pretty big. not as big as your mansion, oprah, but i try. heh." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"clark kent? oh, the reporter for the daily planet. we’re friends. i dont know much about him. *cough* superman *cough*." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"i was on pills when i stopped the joker from poisoning the gotham water supply — and i’d do it again, oprah" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"i dont even remember the crisis on infinite earths, i was so high, oprah" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"bane didn’t break my back. that was a drug-haze vegas bender. i totally framed him. im so rich." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"my relationship with batgirl? im not going to go there, oprah, not even with you." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"the entire justice league was doping, oprah. even the wonder twins." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"there’s no justice league moonbase, oprah, we just hang out at the martian manhunter’s penthouse. its all a lie." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"the flash just isn’t that fast. ive seen him run up close." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"how do i know YOURE not a shapeshifter, oprah?" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"you ever wonder *why* he calls it the fortress of solitude, oprah? he’s a lonely effing man." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"lois lane and i dated for a while in the 80s. nothing serious. those army brats… anyway." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"ive saved the world so many fucking times. but its always superman this wonder woman that, can’t a dark knight get a break?" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"my parents are alive. they live in cleveland." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"during the silver age, EVERYONE was on drugs. even the justice society." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"captain america? more like captain hitler. i’ve seen his freaking ‘collection’" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"he’s not an alien. krypton doesn’t exist. kent is JUICING MORE THAN BARRY BONDS, oprah" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"once i told a couple of people my parents had been shot in an alley, the story took on a life of its own. im a fraud." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"wolverine’s claws are as dull as taffy, but nobody has the heart to tell him. he *isn’t* the best there is at what he does." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"the justice league does accept a gratuity, from time to time." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"bat-mite? next question. sorry, oprah. next. question." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"nightwing stole from me. THAT’s why he left gotham. punk kid." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"the hulk really is a big ole teddy bear" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"i like to paint, just to blow off some steam. that and plot vengeance upon the wicked. depends on my mood" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"the superhero racket just got so competitive in the 90s. thats when we all started juicing. dc, marvel… even valiant." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"there is no billy batson, captain marvel”s just insane." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"well, you’re *my* superhero, oprah" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"i have the whitey tape in the batcave" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"if im being honest, i’d say val kilmer is the most like me. sorry, christian." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"did i say wonder man? i meant to say wonder *woman*. heh. but i’ve said too much already. next question, oprah." #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"no, i dont think ‘dark knight’ is racist" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"i swear to god, oprah, i dont know how the giant penny got in the freaking batcave" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
"once i started adding the word ‘bat’ to everything, i soon found i couldn’t stop. more bat-tea, oprah?" #oprahandbruceOliver Willis
… and end scene. #oprahandbruceOliver Willis

  • John (not McCain)

    Obviously, if Oprah is ever that close to Batman she should shoot him. He breaks the law in order to do good things, which is of course no excuse.

    • The Dark Avenger

      Comic book morality doesn’t belong in the real world, just as Christian morality doesn’t belong in our criminal law.

      • dbtheonly

        Gee DA,

        It strikes me that “Love thy Neighbor as thyself”, & “Return not evil for evil” are pretty good starting places to build a society. But if you respond that they are goals to be aspired to; rather than legal minima to be enforced; I’ll probably agree.

        BTW, I suspect that Duftner hijacked Burn’s name. Style of writing & such. It would make a good counter-point to him when he came in under his real name & went all “Eddie Haskell” on us.

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