Right-Wing English Lesson #1: Carrying the Day

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By Ari Rutenberg: I keep wondering what dictionary the Republicans use, because while it appears that they are speaking the same English I'm familiar with, when you actually parse the language, it makes no sense whatsoever.  Much like a Diddy rap song or Aerosmith lyrics, it feels like you should understand, but it seems to have a totally different or totally opposite meaning from what you would expect.

I've compared my definition of a few popular terms thrown around in Right wing circles and compared it theirs, giving you a short guide to Republican Doublespeak:

1) Carry the Day (see Stuart Stevens - Romney's chief strategist who claimed that after losing, Romney 'carried the day') My definition: winning.  Their definition: Not losing every demographic category (or is it winning old white people?) Even here I can't really tell. Shorter: Losing.

2) War on (see Bill O'Reilly) - My definition: engaged in an armed military conflict with _____.  Their definition: Saying bad things about stuff we like (war on Christmas, war on Religion, Class Warfare (War on Rich People)).

3) Compassionate (see George W. Bush) - My definition: trying to understand the position people who are suffering or have it hard are in and act accordingly to help them.  Their definition: trying not to overtly hate everyone who isn't rich and white, and mendaciously starting a war based on false information.

4) Free Market (see The Tea Party) - My Definition: a market which functions at an optimal efficiency and creates innovative products.  This type of market requires competition, transparency, and full knowledge on the part of consumers to maximize decision making efficiency.  Their definition: a semi-oligarchy in which corporate mass and profit-through-austerity (treating your workers like virtual slaves) take the place of expected future value and innovation as the markers of merit, and in which corporations but not individuals have their losses, but not their profits, fully socialized.  Shorter: An economy run by crooks and virtual slavedrivers in Armani suits that work us to the bone for a song, steal from us and then make the government pay them back for it.

5) Success - My definition: Achieving the goals you have set for your self in life and being happy.  Their definition: making shit-tons of money and not sharing it with anyone brown. Not that there's anything wrong with making lots of money.  Its one of my own goals in life.  But there are many people for whom wealth beyond what they need to get by is totally irrelevant.

I don't know how it is possible, but its going to be really hard to solve our countries problems when we can't even agree on what winning means.

Ari Rutenberg is the co-founder of The Daily Banter