War On Christmas: A Narrative

I wrote the following on Twitter yesterday. I may or may not have been under the influence of leftover ham, candied yams, and stuffing.

All around me lay the discarded turkey carcasses, the faint odor of stuffing, and the mental trauma of too much ham. it was time.

A message came in on my communicator. High priority. The big boss was power mad from his second term and out for blood.

The image of the fat man had “target” scrawled across his forehead. Kringle.

An Apache helicopter hovered over the shopping mall. I had a napsack, a loaded gun and lust for blood.

The compound was just as intel had described it. small. surrounded by candy canes, and thick with ELVES.

The two lead elves appeared on the outside to be surly teens earning minimum wage. But my gut knew better. Ho. Ho. Ho.

The little operatives were lined up in thick little snot-nosed packs. Babies were crying. Where was the fat man?

The sign said Santa would be back in five minutes. I stopped over at the Cinnabon depot. “Load me up, this is war.”

I purchased a set of night vision goggles at Sharper Image. Overpriced, but I didnt care. This was Soros’ dime.

I formed a shelter from a pile of Furbys. The eyes weirded me out, but the fur kept me warm. Mall temperature is a beast.

The smell of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels fills the air. I have to focus. The fat man is coming back. And I best be ready.

I turned up the music on my overpriced Bose noise-cancelling headphones. Carrie Underwood was always the best killin’ music.

There he is. The fat man. Kringle. Geronimo. But he was surrounded by kids. That sick SOB. I couldn’t just take the shot.

My trigger finger twitched. Damn that hot chocolate. I was all hopped up on sugar and cocoa and Kringle WASJUSTSITTINGTHERE.

I whispered to myself in my best Sean Hannity voice: “You ARE a great American.” And I squeezed the trigger. This would be the last War On Christmas.

It jammed. My screams of “Festivus” put the ELVES on high alert. My cover’s blown. The fat man is in the wind.

Before I could blink, I’m knee deep in jolly. Elves to the left, on the right they’re prepping reindeer. I look for exits.

My eyes meet Kringle’s. I mouth “next time.” He grins. I run. Crowd in the Apple Store. I can lose them there.

In seconds the genius is out like a light. In two clicks I’ve got my turtleneck on, rebooting iPads and iPods. I’m in deep cover.

An elf walks in, looking for me. I gamble. Dazzle him with the new iPad. RETINA DISPLAY MFer! He reaches for his wallet. I’m gone.

I send a message to 44. The fat man lives. Kringle’s won this round. He assures me I’ll get another shot. I vow it.

Fin.

Like Us On Facebook!

More on the Banter:

George Clooney: "We Cannot Be Told We Can’t See Something by Kim Jong-un, of All F*cking People"

George Clooney: "We Cannot Be Told We Can’t See Something by Kim Jong-un, of All F*cking People"

George Clooney tried to organize Hollywood to stand against the Sony hackers. No one would stand wit[Read more...]
The Daily Banter NSFW Video Mail Bag

The Daily Banter NSFW Video Mail Bag

In this week's NSFW Video Mail Bag, the guys talk about a particularly bizarre life choice, and the [Read more...]
The Daily Banter Video Mail Bag: Ben, Chez and Bob Discuss Cuba, Greenwald, Florida and Hippies!

The Daily Banter Video Mail Bag: Ben, Chez and Bob Discuss Cuba, Greenwald, Florida and Hippies!

In this week's Video Mail Bag, the guys talk about Cuba, Florida's place on the electoral map, Green[Read more...]
Fox News Thinks 'The Interview' Flap Is Obama's Fault

Fox News Thinks 'The Interview' Flap Is Obama's Fault

It must be completely exhausting to work at Fox News, where literally every effing thing is Obama's [Read more...]
America, Fuck No: Paramount Now Surrenders on "Team America" Because We Suck
  • M2

    Speaking of Christmas, Republicans get some more coal.

    http://bobcesca.com/blog-archives/2012/11/sorry-republicans-but-the-economy-keeps-growing.html

    But, but, but… Obama hates capitalism!!!

    • oi ly

      It’s not fair that Bob’s graph starts during the Bush Regime.

      • M2

        Stop blaming Bush! Stop recalling recent history!

      • db

        oi,

        You’re right though, starting the graph at the start of the Bush Recession will make the President Obama stats look better. We’re learning from Fox eh?

        What really galls me though is the RWMO’s that “freeing business form regulation” will create jobs, cure cancer, & make the world safe for Republicans. We’ve seen what deregulation has accomplished. Hostess Executives grabbing bonuses & raises in the midst of a bankruptcy, Wall Street leverage to the 97% level, and don’t get em started on Coal Mine safety.

  • M2

    The best bad ass Santa can be found on Futurama.

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/67367

    John Goodman rules.

    • db

      Thanks Marco.

  • db

    Oliver,

    You have a copy of “Santa the Barbarian” or did you just get a picture of the cover.?

  • oi ly

    Next time Oliver, don’t miss!