Royal Breasts Are Special

You can vaguely see Bigfoot in the background.

A quick word or two about the topless pictures of Kate Middleton now circulating online and the royal family’s response to them.

So what?

First of all, the idea that a French magazine — a French magazine — would get all “mon dieu!” and pretend that it’s a big deal that somebody is half-naked out in the open is practically a comedy bit. We’re the ones who are puritanical idiots; one of the now wealthiest and most famous women in the world sunning herself topless while on vacation in Provence shouldn’t surprise anyone, least of all the Europeans. What’s the difference this time — that it’s the ostensible future queen of England? As if Kate Middleton’s breasts, unlike all the others in the world, are made of pure sunshine that beams like the golden glow of Marcellus Wallace’s soul, with nipples carved from rhino horn and milk ducts that dispense 1990 Cristal Methuselah laced with saffron and China White. No, they’re just breasts, for fuck’s sake. Admittedly, Kate is a stunningly beautiful woman and I have no issue with looking at her bare body, but it’s not like I was expecting her tits to make me weep openly as if I’d just seen the face of the Christ child.

Which brings us to the royal family’s typically Monty Python-esque reaction to this whole stupid thing. Buckingham Palace is calling it a “grotesque” and “unthinkable” invasion of privacy and will soon, in classic British fashion, be demanding satisfaction in a French court. As for Kate — guess what? She’s being characteristically cool about it all. Sure, she and Prince William are quietly projecting the requisite amount of sadness and disappointment, but I like to think that in reality they’re nowhere near as uptight as their lineage and upbringing would suggest, so Kate’s probably thinking to herself, “Yeah, they’re mine,” while Wills smirks, “Yeah, she’s mine.” At least that would damn well be my feeling about this “scandal.” After centuries and decades of wasteland followed by the tiny blip on the sexual radar that was Princess Diana, there’s finally a member of the royal family actually worth ogling and fantasizing about. While Kate comes off with a lot of class and humility, I’d hope she at least knows this.

And while we’re on the subject, why the hell does everyone react with anything approaching shock whenever one of the younger members of this clan — or really any insanely rich and powerful royal family — goes off and does something obscenely and wildly hedonistic? Jesus, if I were, say, Prince Harry there would be so many naked pictures of me floating around that people would actually be tired of seeing my cock. Partying naked in a Vegas hotel room with hot chicks? Fuck that. I’d be bungee jumping off the top of the hotel naked while screwing a hooker on the way down and firing a gun made of carbonized cocaine aimlessly into a crowd of tourists. Then when it was all over, I’d buy the hotel and the local police department and throw thousand dollar bills at the angry families of the dead tourists until they danced for me, Gangnam Style. I’m a dick now and I’m not even royalty — if I were a prince I’d be fucking insufferable.

Look, in the end the important thing to keep in mind is that it could always be worse: If Kate were American the paparazzi wouldn’t even have been necessary since she probably would’ve accidentally tweeted us a picture of her naked breasts herself.

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