Conservatives Aren’t Funny. Ever.

By Bob Cesca:

Republicans are hilarious.

No, not like that.

They make me laugh just about every day, but it’s not because they’re naturally funny with killer senses of humor. They simply, and unintentionally, do stupid things that make me laugh out loud. And that’s a good thing because given the awfulness they often blurt out and the intensity with which I follow their antics, it’s a considerably better reaction than screaming and banging my face against the wall.

The other day, I wrote an item for The Daily Banter (later crossposted at The Huffington Post) about the Fox News Channel show The Five. In addition to dingus-level political commentary on the show, it kind of fancies itself as a comedy show with several panelists offering up funny reactions to the news. But the funny isn’t really funny. It’s usually at about the same level as Bruno Kirby’s “Lieutenant Steve” character from Good Morning, Vietnam.

Case in point, here’s Eric Bollings saliently hilarious response to my post:

Honestly, I have no idea what that means or how it counterpoints the litany of gripes I included in my column about the show and the panelists’ views on constitutional amendments and campaign finance reform. As near as I can tell, Eric Bolling thinks I write as if I work at a TGI Fridays. Or perhaps because I’m not fortunate enough to be a Fox News Channel scam-artist, I’m occupied at a subhuman level of the media — one step up from TGI Fridays. Weird because not only is The Huffington Post the most popular blog on the internet, but The Daily Banter will soon conquer the world, and I’m a featured contributor to both. Besides, the joke is “don’t quit your day job” — not “night job.”

Yes, I’m rationalizing the words of a simpleton doofus. Given Bolling’s record, it’s a miracle he didn’t reflexively add some sort of horrendously racist slur in there, too, even though I’m not, you know, black. (Rewind a few months to Bolling’s “joke” about the president hosting “a hoodlum in the hizzouse.”) However, one of his fans responded to Bolling’s tweet by remarking that I somehow resemble Rachel Maddow. Again, hilarious for all of the wrong reasons. Any day now, regarding New Controversy X you can expect to hear bitching on “The Five” about how liberals resort to personal attacks and conservatives only want to debate policy.

Speaking of awesome lesbian jokes, McLaughlin Group panelist and Fox News Channel contributor Monica Crowley stepped in a heaping bucket of crazy Thursday when she tweeted about Sandra Fluke, the woman who testified to Congress about her friends needing affordable contraception for medical/health reasons. Here’s what she wrote: “To a man? ‘Sandra Fluke Announces Engagement’”

Get it? Sandra Fluke is like a lesbian for some reason. Not only is this homophobic and unfunny, but I thought the conservative lie all along has been that Fluke needs contraception so she can have sex with men. (Again, Fluke only testified about other women and their healthcare needs — not sex.)

Since then, Crowley said, “I love exposing the Left’s total lack of a sense of humor.” That’s hilarious! Conservatives, who are notoriously humorless or comedy-impaired — unless, that is, we’re missing something and malaprops, racist song parodies and fat-asses pretending to be redneck cable guys are endlessly hysterical. But forgive us, Monica, if we’re perplexed and offended by your tweet. The homophobia really has zero basis in reality — even by the talking points of conservatives who, again, have painted Fluke as a nymphomaniacal penis hoarder.

And finally, easily the biggest controversy of the week has been the president’s appearance on Jimmy Fallon’s late night show to participate in Fallon’s ongoing bit “Slow Jam The News.” Conservatives everywhere have crapped their cages and screeched about how it was undignified. A president should never ever appear on a comedy show, they said.

Unless, of course, the president is named Richard Nixon, who appeared on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh In and famously repeated the catchphrase, “Sock it to me!”

Wrapping up here, if you’re a conservative and you disagree with what I’ve written today, try this exercise. Name as many right-wing comedians as you can. Use the comments below if you want to. Hint: there aren’t many.

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