The Godzilla Amendment

Avatar:
Ben Cohen
Author:
Publish date:
Social count:
0
GODZILLA. 2 by _ken_.

by David Glenn Cox

I was watching the President's big healthcare speech the other night
and I was struck by how many good ideas the President seems to think
John McCain has about healthcare. It seemed as though the President was
trying to pander to the sane wing of the Republican Party and
attempting to quarantine the bat shit crazies. The president still,
after all that we have been through this summer, wants a bipartisan
plan.

As he stood at the lectern he told the Democrats in the
chamber, I am a strong believer in the public option. Then he turned to
Republicans and said, I’m going to put the public option in sub
basement C, down in the bowels of a building where no more than 5% of
Americans can find it. I’m going to make it hard to find and even
harder to apply, with a host of other options they must go through
first and then, my friends, I love the public option so much that I’m
going to wait four years to implement it.


Barack Obama is no
longer a mystery to the American public and you can begin to see a
pattern in his speeches. Touch all the necessary bases; throw in a
little human interest. Bring out Ted Kennedy’s last letter and read it
like a Father Flannigan story. When the speech was over I turned to
“Countdown” to see what Keith Olbermann would say about it. I would
call it restrained praise. The President told a circular story about
what you’re not getting and why that’s really better than what you
wanted.

Remember that recently Congress instituted reforms on
the banking industry? It reined in interest rates and changed the way
the bank could charge interest on your accounts. The banking industry,
with a big smile on their face and contrite hearts, then changed the
fee schedule that banks charge, to make up for any and all losses
suffered during banking reform. When I lived in Alabama the utilities
were regulated by the Public Service Commission. A commissioner left
court one day after losing a case to the Power Company and in a moment
of candor said, “They (The Power Company) have more attorneys on staff
than we have employees.”

As I watched the end of "Countdown" my
mind began to wander because I had had enough of the Yippee Skippy
crowd. I started to drowse as I thought about the President’s speech,
and just as quickly I was out. As I tossed and turned my brain began to
dream and I saw myself in a soap bubble floating above the fray. I was
in an old Japanese Godzilla movie.

Do you remember that little
kid that was always wearing the baseball hat and going into restricted
areas despite adults standing everywhere? In my movie that kid was
Barack Obama, and just like his Japanese counterpart he was trying to
explain to the adults that Godzilla and Gamera really loved children.
That when Godzilla tromps through downtown Tokyo stomping down office
buildings he means well and he’s just misunderstood. When he picks up a
commuter train and bites it in two Godzilla is trying to tell us
something important, and we humans fail to grasp the depth of meaning
in his message.

So, in the movie when Japanese officials and
generals developed a plan to drop a new super secret weapon on
Godzilla, little Barack offers an alternative. “What if everyone gave
money to Godzilla? We could call it the I Love Godzilla Fan Club!”

The
Generals pooh poohed what a twelve-year-old Obama has to say. He
doesn’t understand that the rubber-suited super lizard is doing
billions of dollars damage to Japanese infrastructure. Do you have any
idea how hard it is to get people to use mass transit when you have
giant lizards biting the trains in two?

But little Barack
persisted and broke into Tokyo’s main TV station and broadcast his
message to all the children of Japan. “If everyone sends Godzilla $100
a month he will know that we love him and that we want to be his
friend. Then we will gain his trust and perhaps we can talk him into
staying out of downtown!”

As the money poured into the I Love
Godzilla Fan Club, the lizard was quick to buy into the political
leadership and start his own political action committee (Zilpac). He
used his burgeoning power along with automotive interests to defund
mass transit projects, because giant rubber-suited lizards just hate
mass transit.

Soon he was a celebrity, getting his picture taken
at movie premiers and being interviewed on Fox News. Godzilla had it
going on. Millions paid into the “I Love Godzilla Fan Club” every month
because they truly loved this giant, ugly, repulsive monster that did
nothing for them except promise to stay out of the way. But then a
tipping point began where people started to ask, “Do we really love
this monster? Or are we just buying him off?

Why are we
listening to the little kid when we can see with our own eyes how this
giant rubber-suited lizard is destroying our economy? How he's killing
and maiming innocents regardless of whether they are members of the I
Love Godzilla Fan Club or not." The crowd began to grow as the
contributions fell and so the marketing people began a new ad campaign
with Godzilla sitting in a bathtub in the countryside. “Godzilla is
Neat!” (If lizard attacks last for more than four hours seek
professional assistance.)

As the ranks of dissenters grew they
began to demand the single option. Under the single option the generals
would attempt to destroy the lizard with a super, super secret weapon.

In
the last scene the monster comes ashore and little Barack is on the
beach. “Godzilla! The children of the world love you! Please don’t
destroy the city! Please! We have sent you billions of dollars and
given in to your every demand, but these people don’t understand that
you are a force for good!”

At that moment the general puts down
his binoculars and yells “Fire!” as the giant rubber-suited lizard
steps on the twelve-year-old Barack. All that was left was his little
baseball hat, and the general yelled “Fire!” again. In an especially
badly dubbed section of the film the subordinates answer, “We cannot
fire for at least four years, sir!”

The general, in a profound
moment, then looks at the submissive female reporter who smiles a lot
but speaks only when spoken to and laments sadly, “You cannot make
deals with the monsters of this world because in the end they will only
step on you to get what they want!”

I was beginning my return
trip from the land of the sleeping and heard, “Mr. Speaker, I would
like to propose the Godzilla amendment!” I lifted my head and shook it
off my slumber to find that the TV was still on. It was the replay of
“Countdown” and what I had heard was, “Mr. Speaker, the President of
the United States.”

(photo by ken)