Best Of Banter: GOP Govs Don't Care, Chuck C. Johnson's Still a Douche, and Bill O'Reilly's Most Bizarre Lie Yet
February 26th, 2015
By Ben Cohen
With a new political era looming, veterans of the old political arena will scramble to redefine themselves in order to make a living. Politicians, media commentators and analysts may be ill equipped to deal with the changing electorate, increased power of the blogosphere and massive discontent with the status quo. Who will survive in the modern epoch? Here are 10 who should really think about calling it quits:
1. William Kristol
There's no need to go on about how wrong Bill Kristol has been on just about everything, and what a spineless shrimp of a man he is. Just read this quote from an article he penned on the eve before the war in Iraq:
2. Sarah Palin
Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is the poster child of vacuous Republican imagery – hollow, loud and crass with no discernable talents other than an ability to attract stupid middle American house wives. Palin exploded onto the scene as John McCain's campaign started to wither, only for the 'Hockey Mom' to be exposed as a know nothing fraud. Claiming that Russia's visibility to Alaskans gave her foreign policy credentials and using sentences that even 'Dubya' would cringe at sealed her fate, plummeting McCain's campaign into the unelectable abyss. Unfortunately, Palin is doing the rounds on the media circuit, pumping her stardom for all its worth and priming herself for a run in 2012. The last thing America needs is another Bush style Republican, and Palin would represent that, but much, much worse.
3. Michelle Malkin
The Asian, female version of Bill O'Reilly, Malkin makes a living spouting hatred and idiocy to Fox News viewers. Malkin wrote a book called: In Defense of Internment: The Case for 'Racial Profiling' in World War II and the War on Terror. The book essentially defends the internment of Japanese Americans during World War Two and argues for more racial profiling of Arabs, which would be a bit like a Jew making the case for the holocaust in the name of German unity (OK, maybe not, but you get the point). Malkin's offensive views have earned her a spot on Andrew Sullivan's blog, where people can win 'Malkin Awards' for bigotry, prejudice or downright meanness. Malkin's crusade against liberals, gays and minorities means she will have a spot on Fox for the foreseeable future. As Matt Taibbi writes:
I’ll say this about Michelle Malkin: she has a future in this business.
I see her replacing Ann Coulter in that right-wing dipshit hierarchy.
The last few times I’ve seen Coulter on TV, I haven’t been able to take
my eyes off her Adam’s apple. By 2012 she’s going to be doing ping-pong
ball acts at drag clubs in Reno. Malkin, though, she’s hardworking,
dumb, and shameless, just like Sarah Palin, who I think has a big
future four years from now. So get ready for more of this stuff. It’s
only just started and they’ve got four long years of target practice
4. Dick Morris
A former Clinton political consultant turned Fox News 'Analyst', Morris made his living selling political imagery to ailing politicians, using his skills in lying, cheating and distortion to their maximum capacity. Morris backed John McCain for President, and was seen salivating over Sarah Palin on a regular basis, unable to disguise his creepy obsession with the 44 year old hot mom of many. Morris does his best to cozy up to his corporate pay masters in the Murdoch empire, and regularly publishes idiotic books like 'Condi vs Hillary- The next great Presidential race' (great call Dick). Thankfully, Dinosaurs like Morris are becoming irrelevant in the new political era, mostly because his lies are so egregious they are damaging to his party. While defending Morris from his jeering audience, John Stewart deftly put it "In fairness, Dick Morris is a lying sack of Shit".
5. Dick Cheney
The 'Dark Prince' of the Republican party, Cheney's obsession with American military prowess and fanatical dedication to the oil industry has made him the focal point of most liberal's rage. Cheney exists to service the needs of the rich and powerful, and is unafraid to put other people's lives at risk to ensure corporate profits and American hegemony. Cheney has always remained largely behind the scenes due to a distinct lack of personality and aura of extreme evil, but wields his influence expertly with his nuanced understanding of the dark arts of politics. Cheney is the epitome of a political hack, a gutless grey blob of a man with a record of detached violence and personal greed. We won't see much of him after next January, and hopefully someone will have the decency to arrest him should he venture out of the United States.
6. Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney's speech at the Republican Convention this year said it all about the Mormon multi millionaire. Having lost the primary to John McCain (despite spending $47 million dollars of his own money) Romney tried to suck up to the base and pitch himself for 2012 with one of the worst speeches in history. Incredibly, Romney tried to claim liberals were responsible for the awful mess his party made, saying Washington was 'too liberal', and that "We need change all right. Change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington". Here's the transcript of the awful debacle (try not to laugh too hard). Romney clearly wants to run in 2012, but he had better start believing his own bullshit before he tries to sell it again.
7. Alan Greenspan
Former head of the Federal Reserve, 'St Alan' presided over the whole scale deregulation of the financial industry, and has his grubby paws all over the tragic state of the economy. Greenspan's pathetic appearance at a congressional hearing in 2008 had him basically admit his philosophy was wrong:
Very good of him to admit, but try telling that to the millions of people losing their jobs and homes. Thankfully, Greenspan is retired so won't be able to do any more damage.
8. Bill O'Reilly
Bill O'Reilly isn't a hack, or even a Republican. He is just an asshole. His show continues to dominate the airwaves where he essentially shouts at liberals and ignores his guests. God knows why he is successful, but I suspect it is partially because of people's obsession with train wrecks. Liberals enrage O'Reilly to the point where he could easily suffer a heart attack or physically assault one of them on his show. O'Reilly is no fool, just blinded by emotional retardation and a complex about his middle class upbringing (O'Reilly's entire persona is that of a working man – something not supported by facts). He shows no sign of slowing down, but as a part of the minority in the near future, his voice won't be anywhere near as important.
9. Sean Hannity
Fox News presenter Sean Hannity is the quintessential hack – no brain, just a vacant space in his head for GOP talking points. Hannity is a smooth presenter, articulate and emotive, the perfect frontman for the bankrupt ideology he is paid to promote. Hannity has gone from dreadful to absolutely nauseating since Palin ignited his loins, gushing over the re emergence of brainless conservatism and filling his head with dreams of a conservative comeback in 2012. The visible anguish Hannity now shows after the Democratic victory is a joy to watch, clearly karmic pay back for the years of gloating over the sorry state of Democrats. Hannity was sick to his stomach after Obama was elected, and may develop some serious ulcers over the next four years. However, luckily for him, he may get treatment for free if Obama institutes universal health care.
I've saved the best for last. The 'Decider' will go down as the worst President in the history of the United States, and as Chris Rock put it "Bush is not just the worst ever president of the USA, he’s the worst
ever president, period. Of anything." It's hard to top the hyperbole commentators have used in describing just how bad Bush really was, because there aren't really words to do it justice. Bush has presided over monumental fuck up after monumental fuck up, groping his way through the president with the finesse of a 800lb gorilla. I tried to come up with a list of accomplishments he has achieved, and came up with the following:
1. He has increased financial support to Africa to alleviate AIDs and poverty.
Uh, that's it.
He has presided over two disastrous wars, an increase in poverty at home, an increase in wealth inequality, an increase in the number of people without health care, a crisis in public education, the break down of national infrastructure, the literal drowning of a city, the use of torture as official policy, the biggest financial crisis in 80 years, and the irreversible decline of America's prestige abroad. Here is something to think about. Every ex President (aside from Ronald Reagan who had alzheimers) has a role to play in public life after office. They give advice, do lecture tours, write books, sit on boards of huge companies and head non-profit organizations. How many people do you think will be itching to receive advice from W? How many companies would have him on their board? Who would buy his autobiography? Who would pay to hear him speak? No one. And that pretty much sums it up.
February 26th, 2015
February 26th, 2015