The First Term: Echoing John McCain, Oliver Willis Looks Back From 2013

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RELATED: John McCain's First Term

2013. Wow, we're finally here. It feels like just yesterday it was 2008 and the world was so different from how it is now, in 2013. My, how things have changed! And strangely, everything changed for the better, especially for me. It's as if I wrote a fictional account of how things would change and just wrote it from a positive point of view or something stupid like that.

Anyway.


My Abs, Circa 2013

I am now in my third year as a male model, I just completed the Esquire "Abs O' The Month" photo shoot and next Tuesday that issue of Men's Vogue with me as "The Perfect Package" will be on newsstands. It's weird how after a lifetime of on and off dieting I suddenly chose a sensible workout plan and developed six pack abs with two extra abs to spare. The world can really change in five short years.


Jessica in all her gear for what we call "movie night"

That's what I often tell my wife, Jessica Alba. I've adopted her child as my own, without protest from the biological father, and right now she carries our spicy milk chocolate child. Here in 2013 Jessica Alba regularly brags to her friend that her husband is satisfying in every way possible. And by that she means our love life is totally awesome. And every third night we have what we call a "guest star" making a cameo at my 17 bedroom mansion. Beyonce, don't let all of fiscal year 2013 pass without another visit.


In 2013, I count my money like Uncle Scrooge.

Back in 2008 when I wrote this looking back at 2013, I had no idea that I would simultaneously buy a winning lottery ticket, invest in the 5 fastest growing companies in America, in addition to my newfound ability to urinate pure gold. Like our president, John Sidney McCain, everything just went totally right for me.


In 2013, my life has 100% more Katharine McPhee

Granted, there are downsides here in the year 2013. My phone number is unlisted thanks to the endless stream of phone calls from my former lovers. I would have thought Rihanna, Katharine McPhee, and supermodel Gisele Bundchen could get on with their lives, but you would be wrong. In 2013, it is really tough to avoid a supermodel.


In 2013, John McCain is still hugging George W. Bush

Like Senator McCain I have the ability to write from the future and see only the most rosy of scenarios occurring. You can't let the cockiness get to you. After I cured AIDs, Cancer and Freckles on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I was on top of the world - ready to conquer all. Karma noticed and it was an entire week before I cured a major communicable disease like Jock Itch.

I write this letter from the future to encourage my fellow Americans back in the past to vote for John McCain in order to secure a future as awesome as mine.

Time runs short and while there is much to tell you about this utopian future (my children, for instance, poop rainbows) I must go now. Jessica has an insatiable appetite on days that end in "Y" and I enjoy putting my Emmy, Oscar and Peabody awards on the bedside table so I can bask in the glow of my awesomeness.

Oliver from 2013
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