Conservatives worry that cartoon sponge may ‘gayify’ their kiddies.

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By Nick Lang.

Just when you thought the Christian right-wing of America couldn’t possibly sink any lower, one of their more recent scapegoats has emerged in the most unlikely, and brilliant form yet. Are you ready for this? They want to ban Spongebob Squarepants because it sends the message out to children that it’s ok to be gay.

Apparently the fact that Spongebob holds hands with his male friend, laughs like a girl and doesn’t have a girlfriend is not just ‘proof’ that he himself is gay but that he is shamelessly telling our children that there’s nothing wrong with being gay – when of course we all know that this simply isn’t true. Of course it’s not ok to be gay, right Conservatives? Being "one of the gays" surely means that you can’t swim, you can’t be relied on in a crisis situation because you will undoubtedly be playing with your hair, you have webbed toes and enlarged ear-lobes; and you certainly can’t be relied on to watch our backs in a war because you’ll be too busy… well, watching our backs. Plus there is of course the fact that you are obviously the spawn of Satan attempting to tempt us into giving our eternal souls to the Dark Lord.

Jesus never had a girlfriend either and spent his whole life hanging around men and he even kissed Judas. But who am I to judge, right?

I know that I don’t need to go any further on this tangent, as the ridiculousness of it speaks for itself, yet I feel it’s important to mention that in at least one episode of Spongebob Squarepants (which if you haven’t seen yet you owe it to your soul to do so forthwith) Spongebob does in fact fancy a female character. This once again proves that the people who climb onto the highest horse are often basing their objection on little more than the just reading the blurb.

Interestingly, the female character in question is a squirrel named Sandy – funny how no one was worried about what this was teaching our kids about bestiality.